My Kind of Town

New Years... New Decade?

2010-01-03T15:37:00.001-08:00

Every year, I make absurd resolutions, things I possibly couldn't keep and don't completely know what I'm doing. So, this year, I'm going to try and keep things a little more toned down. I've got an intellectual, spiritual, physical, home, artistic, work, and financial resolution. I think that that's pretty decent.

Intellectual: 1. Read 100 books. I've decided to do book reviews for each of the ones I read, so that I can remember what I've actually read. I think it's a pretty important thing for me to be reading, and varying what I read. I'm pretty sure that I've only read one book of poems in 2009, and very little non-fiction. I did start reading some more sci-fi, but I really need to be trying to vary what I read. I also read a pitiful number of books in '09, so new decade, 100 books. I've already finished one and trying to pump my way though Lust for Life for my book club.
2. Read the New Yorker semi-regularly. I feel like a fraud talking with friends about people/things that appear in the New Yorker. I can get it cheaply on my kindle. I know that they pile up; I had a subscription when I was in Boston. However, I'm hoping that through the kindle, i'll be able to keep up/not kill the earth.
3. Read an online news source every day. I'm horribly ill-informed for being a history teacher. Recommendations, anyone?

Spiritual: Go to church one a month. I'm not really sure why but I am feeling the need to reconnect spiritually with the church. I've decided that this could be going to either synagogue or church but I think I need to be going. I feel the need to be doing some things quietly.

Physical: Here is where I always end up going crazy and don't keep to what I want. Right now, I am going to set the goal of generally watching what I eat (the iPhone has a lovely app for this--called "Lose It!" that allows you to casually track your food) and being active for a minimum of three times a week. I think this is a good beginning. Whether this is going to the gym, or using the wii fit--whatever it is. I joined a gym and I've gone maybe twice. Right before break, I played some basketball and it was wonderful to relax that way. So, I just want to feel more healthy. This also involves cooking more, which is something that I've wanted to do anyway.

Home: To keep things clean. I know this sounds silly since we employ a lovely cleaning lady; but I mean it in a sense of keeping organized. Things like once a month, deciding to clean out a closet, or reorganize, or give things to charity. Just keeping things up, so I don't become a pile-up. Without an impending move, it's easy to start getting gross.

Artistic: 1. Write poems. Simply.
2. Finish the three scrapbooks I'm working on--general, wedding and Israel.
3. Take photographs with diligence.
4. Take the art class C bought for me.

Work: 1. Present at another conference.
2. Get serious about figuring out grad school.
3. Get things back to students on time--no more than 3 weeks inbetween collection and return.

Financial: No debt except student loans by the end of '10. Don't buy stupid shit.

It seems like a lot, but it's not really. Just logical, really. Here's to hoping!

Christmas Is Here! (Almost).

2009-12-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

The thing about Christmas is that it's magical even if you fight it. When C and I began dating, he firmly insisted that Halloween was his favorite holiday. This is fine, really. There's lots of excitement in dressing up, and I find that sometimes people's alteregos should really be their real ones. It reveals a lot about a person willing to dress up in a completely ridiculous costume and then embody it. Nonetheless, I told him, as cliched as it was, that my favorite holiday was Christmas. He responded with, "That's all girls' favorite holiday." We were still early in our relationship, before I was comfortable being a snide asshole with him. So I smiled and told him to simply wait.

And wait he has.

This, our first Christmas under one roof, has presented its fair share of challenges and triumphs.

It is increasingly hard to hide presents from him; he's a snooper and when I lay things out to wrap them, that is the precise moment that he chooses to awaken. He'll stumble out and ask, "Baby, who is this wine for? It looks good." So far, I have lied and pawned everything off on my father. It C was smart, he'd count the presents under the tree and realize that something has got to give.

Initially, it was even difficult to get him to agree to assemble the upstairs tree. "What the hell do we even need two trees for?" he mumbled. This, to any non-Midwestern person, who grew up with siblings, is a logical question. To me, the solid Midwestern, siblingless and (fine, we'll use the s-word) a bit spoiled, seemed ridiculous. I didn't even dignify it with an answer, but told him that I'd found the connecting pieces for A and B. Once the tree was up and lit, however, he seemed to like it. "Should I turn it off?" I'd ask. "Nah, you can leave it on. It makes nice light," he'd respond. I was surprised that he hadn't laid under the tree staring up into the lights like I had as a child. Then I remembered, he was a boy. From Florida.

Last year, C had been uncomfortable with the gift-giving. I will give him that my parents are a bit over the top. They write clues on the gift, they still stuff stockings, they try to find the "perfect" gift every year. His parents haven't really done gift-giving since C entered college. This year, I have gotten to watch him grow excited about presents (although his wrapping skills leave a lot to be desired--it should not take a half a roll of tape to wrap 4 small gifts...) and about giving. It's really a transformation; he sees the purpose in making someone else smile.

We're hosting my family's Christmas extravaganza this year. This means games, white elephant, a ham, liquor, the whole nine yards. I'm not entirely sure that I even understood what we were doing when we signed up for it. But, now that we're in the midst of it, roast beef thawing in my refridgerator, I think we're both excited about it. I can't yet speak to the triumphs (or failures) of this upcoming evening, I'm just hoping that it's going to go well!

Christmas Time.

2009-12-20T08:23:00.001-08:00

The holiday season is firmly upon us.

And the best part is the little things. Cookie making party with S and P, C's feeble attempts to wrap packages, and most importantly, the little penguin he built that is lighting up our window. FIrst Christmas together is pretty exciting, I must say.

In The Week Before T-Giving

2009-11-20T12:42:00.000-08:00

I am going to be thankful for things every day:

today, i am thankful for the following:
1. these ridiculous children -- and their ability to think i'm great and magical even though i'm not.
2. fridays
3. record players
4. my book club
5. a three day week next week
6. music--oasis and ingrid michaelson on repeat
7. poems

Girl on Sunday

2009-11-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

She held a yellowed leaf above her head,
like an umbrella, on a sunny Sunday morning
dancing to the beat of stop-and-go cars
and flickering traffic lights.

There is no one in the world but her
and she is frolicking in an April storm.

She jiggled down the street,
knees like doorknobs,
and I watched, aghast at how
little there was to worry about
on a Sunday morning.

I had woken up and breathed in the air,
knowing this would be the last day
when it was too hot for the heated house
in many months. I woke up wanting

desperately to cherish the sun
and the color. Soon it would melt,
like gruel in a pot, like over-mixed paint,
to a gray, greasy, ice-splotched winter.
I took a walk, hoping to remember

the smell of fall, and the reason for love.

Instead I found that girl, impossibly
unaware, imposing in her hopefulness
already looking past snow leaking into
the tops of boots and toward squeaking galoshes.

Only the delicacy of youth
would look forward to the rain. And only I
would wish for a little less wind on a day
that shouldn't have happened anyway.

Just Being.

2009-11-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

I went back to Beantown this past weekend--for the first time since I left it. I was nervous getting on the plane, worried that I, and the people around me, would be too different, that things would feel weird, that I wouldn't understand or they couldn't anymore. I was bringing C with me, worried that he might not like them. I was flustered about getting judged, or judging. I was extremely scared that people would not understand.

I was wrong.

It was amazing how easy it was to simply be.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should be there....

Midnight.

2009-10-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

Those dreams, the ones I have where we chase to the cliff and plummet. I am tried of waking up, sweating and grasping when I know that the precipice is imaginary. The dreams that used to be, a smiling mouth, gap-toothed, like an aging cemetery, shook me awoke. I could be reassured by a simple flick of the tongue,

that I was secure. Now, as a lay, clasping the edge of the mattress, in a moment devoid of passion, but wrecking of animal, I wonder what is true and false. Lately, I have lain awake, listening for the familiar reassurance of the city buses, announcing our cross streets. I know, then, that I have two feet, and am grounded. If the bus does not come, I listen for the rustle of leaves, as a car drives by. If there is no car, I hope for a dog.

If there is no dog, I begin to drift surrealist, into a world of walking clocks, and men without faces. You still have your back to me, already shaken and mummified again, from the moment I jolted off the edge of the quilt, inches from the floor.

I repeat and repeat that I am alive. And well. The words mean nothing, when I cannot see the outline of the room.

Beginning Again.

2009-09-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

It's been an extremely long time since I've said anything and I've been too quiet most days.

Either way, school has started again with a fresh crop of students. Happily enough, the older ones have not forgotten me, but it is still saddening to have to build new relationships. Perhaps it is a personality flaw (indeed it is) but I am loathe to accept change.

The new students seem so young, even though I know they are not and the prospect of having to re-teach simple things like not talking while other people are talking and keeping your hands down while someone else is speaking seems daunting. It won't be, soon.

I then often wonder if any of these things stick. But, they do, I guess. I remember my seventh grade teacher telling us that in church, when you're praying, it is disrespectful to just leave your hands lollygagging at your sides. For some reason, her church ettiqute stuck with me, and now, I find myself, even at this age, doing what she has deemed appropriate. Perhaps, ten years from now, some small child-now-adult will find themselves in a board meeting, making sure that tehy keep their hands down while other people are talking.

An interesting prospect.

Israel 2

2009-07-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

At a concert in several languages I could not understand,
a friend interpreted the following story told by the singer
to make meaning of the next song. There are too many layers
to be counted, a veritable trifle of confusion.

My uncle was a gentleman to the end. He visited his wife three days before her death in the hospital, dressed impeccably. She was losing her hair, only 35 kilos and hadn't been out of bed in months. He walked in, took off his hat in respect, and said to her, "Yahel, if you weren't my wife, I'd take you dancing and ask you to marry me." So should we all.

All I could think is did her veins stand out? And so,

he began singing in, the gutteral "Ch" noises calling to
someone to explain. I could not, so I sad, eyes welling up,
hoping this translation in strings, and notes, and songs
and salt made enough sense. I wondered when someone
would want to take me dancing. In a wave of fanfair,
cigarettes and words that made meaning to everyone
but me, I could only think about myself. A sea of together
and one note, atonal and confused. What if this song
was joyful, and all I could do is be a million miles

from my plastic seat and cry because of a picture on a bookshelf
of two people sitting on the moon? He, too, would have
taken her dancing. What if this song was a funeral dirge
and all I could hear was Pachabel from forty-six years ago?
She too, wore a crown, but self-proclaimed. But what if
this was the perfect song, to sing about our whispering moment
at the Mill and I didn't know?

Then the final note was sounded and amidst the claps,
which surely meant thank you, I whispered todah, which
was the only word I knew.

Wailing Wall.

2009-07-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

I thought I would come home from the Wall
asking myself, "Where is my God?" And,
like Santa, did He receive my notes for what I would like

for life? Instead, I come back, laden with presents
to ward off the evil eye, like a pagan princess.
I come back to no new messages (of course

everyone knew I was prostrating myself
and could not be reached.) But, as I turned my back
on thick tomato sauce and walked with purpose

away from a wall of margins and lines, I now
wake up too early and wonder if I am too building
a rock on high ground, in order to fall. It is convenient

the lining up of stones amongst the three powers.
It is convenient that the cradle of civilization
was the site of all important events. The same could be said

of my kitchen table. But no one will build a shrine
around it. Except me.

Back from Israel.

2009-07-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

I loved the trip--I loved Israel. I loved being somewhere unique to me but so not unique to the world around me in my daily life. It was hot, but there was history and a strange juxtaposition of hot pants and orthodoxy. Finally, I loved the coming home. Nothing is quite as fulfilling as that last two minutes of a plane ride when all you can think of is how wonderful it is going to be to sleep in your own bed and eat your own food. Nothing makes you appreciate the ordinary like a break from it.

However, I would very much not classify the trip as a vacation. Without a doubt, this was NOT a vacation. I came back more confused about my religion, my God, and m beliefs than I have ever felt. For the first time, I was challenged in that arena. Moreover, it was a lot of lectures, a lot of thinking--the kind of thinking I haven't necessarily done since I left school. Either way, I didn't come back refreshed or relaxed but, thankfully enough, I'm pretty sure I'm over the jet-lag.

Now, it all returns with a rush. Who to call? When to go into work? What to do next? How to do it? I feel slightly overwhelmed with a project at work. And I'm trying to book a venue, and find a time to go to DC and do 10,000 other things before I go back to work. I'm pretty sure that they're not all going to happen, not in the slightest. But, that's alright in the end, I think.... Either way, I return.

Boston Conference?

2009-06-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

I've wondered, often, why being a "sixth grade teacher" isn't enough. I absolutely love my job. Even in its most stressed out moments, I still love it because I feel like I am really, actually, doing something for other people. It could be a combination of not only this sheer joy of having people pay attention to me (and what better than 11 year olds who still love learning), to the joy of doing something that for some unknown reason I am both good at, and the fulfillment of reading writing, even if it is sometimes about space aliens and monsters. Many of my fondest childhood moments, when not about a dollhouse, my father or the Redwall books, involve school. I can tell you the name of every teacher I had, and I can tell you what each of them gave me, especially Mr. S, Mrs. S, and Mrs. H. Perhaps I want to give that back.

However, watching the preview for Glee yesterday, I was struck when someone claimed that teaching was trying to recapture the glory days. Perhaps that it why, when I was at once dead set on teaching at my old high school, I am now dead-set against it. It could be that I have lost touch with many of my high school friends except for ANR and EPS, or that my male relationships from there failed so miserably (and thank goodness that they did.) But, I wonder if I struggle with teaching sometimes because it simply seems too easy--it seems like the glory days. I get paid to lay on the floor and read books, to build board games about the Middle Ages, and go to Art Museums.

Granted, I also get paid to write report cards, send heart-breaking emails to parents, monitor bullying, check the lunch room for cruel tween girls, be an advisor, be a role model, grade endless papers ABOUT monsters and aliens, be a spell checker (when I am, indeed, a rather terrible speller) and get my heart broken every June when they leave. Perhaps it is this latter list that is the reason I get frustrated when I try to explain the difference between a teacher and an educator. I don't go home at 3:45 and I'm not looking at this job as a convenient way to have children and still work. This is my life, even more so than a lawyer or a business analyst. I feel invested, differently.

So if it's so great, and so if I've been having anxious dreams about my "babies" moving on and a. forgetting me and b. not being prepared and c. worst of all, me not being anything I thought I might have been cracked up to be as an educator, why then, am I still anxious about telling people at cocktail parties that I teach sixth grade? Why do I seek out opportunities to travel and present at conferences, go to Israel, or write proposals of articles? Is it because I am still not confident enough in myself? Possibly.

Nonetheless, I have just submitted this proposal:

Title: Explorations: Discovering The Self Through Art

Topic: Using a variety of art forms within the guise of a middle school classroom as a mode of self-discovery, exploration, and community building, especially for gifted students.

Brief Description:
Using a protocol created by National School Reform Faculty called “Save The Last Word,” I will present Explorations—a class designed for sixth graders and taught in ability-leveled groups at Bernard Zell Day School in Chicago. “Save the Last Word” allows participants to highlight what was most meaningful to them in a text or packet and dialogue about questions this raised for them and for the larger world. The aforementioned class uses various art forms—from story-telling, to collage, to book-binding, to portraiture and art appreciation—as a means of developing self-identity within sixth graders. I will present the various units of the class—creation myths, a legendary figure unit, journaling, and portraiture (both self portraiture and teaching of how to look at art) through hands on displays of student work and words. Groups will then subdivide, each given a packet of the work that was presented. The groups will then discuss how and if the various art forms allowed students to have a solid understanding of both their identities and their classmates as well as whether or not creating and sharing art together helped to strengthen their community of learners.

Summarize Outcomes for Target Audience:
In a changing, technologically advanced world, it is difficult to know the self during the crucial teen/tween years. It is vital to encourage students, especially gifted ones worried about comparative performance and standardized test-taking, in creative ventures. These opportunities create learning through doing, community, and connection. The class was invaluable developing students’ self-knowledge. Through discussion, participants will use the students’ own artistic work as fodder to create essential questions on providing avenues for self-discovery and definition through a variety of art forms in their own communities.

I hope I get to go! We'll hear back at a much later date...

Summer Blockbusters and Enjoyment.

2009-06-29T12:14:00.001-07:00

The past three weeks have been incredibly busy.

However, we have discovered the following amazing places to dine and drink:
Bar on Buena: This little local pace is incredibly delicious and has a lot of different regional beers and drink specials. We discovered it on a Sunday afternoon and ended up staying for their martinis. What? I don't have to go to work on Mondays.

Uncommon Ground: This little coffee shop offers free wi-fi and also dinner and drinks. Most of their foods are organic, or natural, or basically you just feel good after eating them. It maks everything a little more pricey, but the atmosphere is so chill. It bascially feels like if Anthropologie had food; you admire the decor as well as the precise nature that determines everything from the placement of food on the plate to the menu. C and I walked to Dairy Queen down on Southport and ended up stopping off there afterwards just to listen to some music and check out a great vibe.

Walker Brothers: I have been visiting this place since I was a kid. However, one of the first weekends I spend in Evanston with C, he said to me, "So, if you like breakfast, I should take you to this place..." Since then, he and I have known and expressed a mutual love for breakfast foods. We went there this past Sunday (and walked around the Evanston art fair. The most amazing chick I discovered there was Emma Overman. I want one of her pictures so badly. However, C and I don't really have a spare thousand lying around. I just love it so much. It's the organ picture, the first one on the page.) and for the first time, he experienced Potato Pancakes. I capitolize them because I forgot how much I loved them. It's too bad that Walker's is so far away, otherwise, I would come to eat there so much more. Or perhaps that's a good thing...

Wine Tasting: I definitely went to a wine tasting for the first time in the past few weeks. EPS won one at a med school dance and so she invited friends to come with her. We went to WineStyles in Evanston which is structured differently than most places that sell wine. It's structured by taste instead of region or anything else. So, I was able to buy some delicious wine, namely New Age white. It's basically sparkling apple juice. The wine has a little bit of effervesence, which I enjoyed. I also purchased some reds. They do free tastings on Tuesday evenings and Saturday afternoons which might be a fun experience, especially since I discovered that taking the El isn't so bad there! The evening was a lot of fun--but mainly just made me want to high-tail it out to California to go wine tasting. I don't think that's going to happen what with the leaving for Israel so soon.

Speaking of which, I desperately need to buy another pair of walking shoes. Okay, not another, ONE. I need to buy ONE pair of walking shoes. Do we like these [I don't...]? Or these, which I have labeled "chic old lady shoes"? How about these--I believe I am most into these, but I am worried about them being too hot? And finally, there's these which I am pretty sure are NOT what I am supposed to be buying, but are really cute.

Last weekend, we also checked out Powell's in Hyde Park. It is literally the kind of store that you can get lost in (with multiple levels and winding rooms, just like any good used book store). Powell's also has a location on Clarke Street in Wrigleyville which has always been very hit or miss to me (mainly miss) but this trip to Powell's resulted in not only stuff for myself and for C but also for my classroom. I'm incredibly excited about one of the projects that I run throughout the year which involves reading a book about a legendry figure (ie a biography) and I was trying to get away from run-of-the-mill projects on Jackie Robinson (not to denegrate what Jackie has done for the world, but come on people... there are TONS of influencial people out there). This book store had so many great little-known biographies like Isadora Duncan and Ella Fitzgerald. Granted, both of these people are relatively famous but, not really the kind of thing that kids are reading usually.

We also stopped at the annual antique car show in Oak Brook. This was a fabulous experience since my highly gregarious dad stopped one of the Packard convertible owners and asked him if it would be possible for the man to be our chaffeur during our weddng. We doubted he would simply just rent the car out. He did not rent the car out but definitely said that making a donation to his car club we could totally be driven about for the wedding. I have always thought it would be very neato (come on, if it's a fifties car, we should whip out some fifties slang) to have an old car in a weddng. Now, granted, I have not done much else in the vein of wedding planning... nor do I really like talking/thinking about it. However, that's one piece that's done.

The only other piece of wedding planning that we've got done is that we think we're going to take photographs at Graue Mill... we took some practice pictures to see what we'd think and I absolutely loved it. I'm glad we're starting to get a few things under control. Part of me wishes we could just run away to Ireland. Heh.

This past weekend, we threw a shindig at our very own house. There was much grilling, much drinking of wine and general happiness. ANR and her boyfriend came up for the evening, which is fun. Now that there's a place for them to stay the night, it's a lot easier for them to come up. On Saturday, we watched my godparents' son get married; they were actually not too pleased with the church service. Apparently the priest was a little flippiant and you couldn't even hear their vows. However, her dress was lovely and the evening was nice.

In the days leading up to Israel, I'm going to be doing a lot of packing and of course a lot of reading. I need to buy some books on the Kindle; right now, I have a Ken Follett book, which many people have said is a fun read for someone who teaches the Middle Ages. It's a chunky read, though. I also purchased a book on the Mob which I think might be a nice respite from serious learning. (: Yesterday, while in Evanston, we stumbled around a Borders, and I discovered three our four little books that I think I might want to add to my Kindle, including "The Little Book" and "The Angel's Game". As well as "Broken" (which sounded amazing) and "Let the Right One In" which sounded deliciously frightening.

Finally, I saw this book at Borders, which looks incredible. It's not available on the Kindle (sad for me) but I want to buy it so badly. However, there's a list of about 10,000 books that I need/want to read before then, so no more buying books. However, it looks incredibly intriguing. I've recently read The Book Thief which just made me frustrated that I was not a better writer and City of Thieves which was distrubing and enjoyable at the same time. Right now, I am reading another book for young adults as well as Revolutionary Road which is depressing but beautifully crafted.

Overall, the summer is really shaping up nicely, even without a C and A vacation!

And now, it is summer.

2009-06-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

I ordered the following from Amazon.com today

1. Elliott Smith record
2. Rise Against record
3. Season 1 of TrueBlood (shh, I need something to do during the day that's not writing or reading... or yoga)
4. From Dawn to Decadence (for my "book club" with DD)

I am missing SYTYCD tonight--granted it has thus far only been a one week tradition, but most of me does not care. I was way into it. I'm going to have to figure out our dvr so that I can plan for it. I like the show, and I have a feeling I'll like it even more when I can dvr through the yelling woman who screams things about a tamale train.

Today, I am figuring out how to take public transportation up to Evanston with KB. We're meeting up with EPS and going to a wine tasting thing tonight. I'm just hoping it doesn't rain for long enough (which reminds me to grab an umbrella.) It's summer and definitely not feeling like it yet, aside from having nothing to do and getting dressed up on a random Tuesday to go to dinner. Scoozi is one of my favorite places--even if it's overblown Lettuce Entertain You kind of a place. It's quiet and people never seem to be around. Or going to Bar on Buena on a Sunday night with CA. All good things.

It's noon, well, after noon, and the only thing I have done so far is to do yoga, watch the Colbert Report and eat some cereal. I probably should get dressed...

This is why I'm going to work on writing a paper for this conference... I think it's important that I find something to do with my summers. I've also got other work projects to do. So, that's something...

The beginning of Summer.

2009-06-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

And just like that, it's over.

That's the shocking thing, really. On Monday, I was stressed, trying to imagine how report cards, literary journal and more were all going to get done in the appropriate amount of time. I was thinking about my long weekend and what that was going to look like. I was thinking about how excited I was for SAI to come, about the addition of a seventh to the wedding party, and about how it seemed like the world would end when the babies left.

And just like that, it was over.

We hugged and cried on Friday, but I tried to remain composed. It was sadder and harder than I thought it was going to be, but I came to the realization that it was necessary. It would not be good for them to hold on to me forever; to grow, they must let go. It was more painful, this time, than last year. Last year, they cried and I carried the secret that I would move forward with them. No such secret here, however. One of the tiny ones gave a speech, talking about what I had done for her. It was too much to even cry; it makes me realize that this is the only thing that I can do. That I want to do.

And just like that, something new begins.

So, I start looking to planning and to Israel. I start looking to next year and how things might look different. I start thinking about those first day jitters and how strange it will be to have to know new names. How my babies are no longer babies. How they will date and hold hands and peck on the cheek. And how I will begin again, reminding people where homework goes and to put their hands down when other people are talking.

SAI was in town this weekend for alumni weekend. I saw extended family at a graduation party. There was much to do and see. I introduced C as my fiance. Things continue to move too quickly or not quickly enough. In the end, they continue moving. It was wonderful to see SAI, to get to speak and be in the same place for the first time in to long of a time. It says something that I was more focused on talking to her than taking pictures of her. To me, that's strange. And perhaps lovely.

I cannot wait to read books. And revel in the fact, finally, that this is my house.

Explo Night.

2009-05-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow evening, the sixth graders will be doing a presentation on what they have learned in the "Explo" class this year. Although I personally have a soft spot for this specific group of children and moreover find them exceptionally loquacious and talented, I cannot help but have the feeling that I might have, at some pint, actually accomplished something with them this year. Back when I read Ellen Winter's book about Gifted Children, I felt the need to reach that 3% of the classroom population that cannot due to time and other constraints be challenged to the fullest extent. With that purpose in mind, I designed this class, hoping that the other students might rise to the challenge.

And rise they did.

Listening to them practice their speeches yesterday and today nearly bowled me over. Quite literally. They have grown so much as thinkers--they ask big questions and they, themselves have grasped the purpose of the class. To hear from their own mouths about figuring out what, exactly, school is for, is not only refreshing but astonishing when they completely nail what school should actually be about--discovering and becoming comfortable with the self. I had a conversation with a group of them as they wrote their "Opposite Papers" last week about why, indeed, they were in school. At times, of course, it has seemed like we are all in school to learn about the Middle Ages or how to speak Hebrew. I, myself, have lamented not having enough time with them to finish project X or problem Y. However, in the end, it doesn't matter if you were able to create a super-amazing or just pretty good board game. Did you work well with your peers? Did you compromise? Did you discover something new? That's honestly the point of school.

So, in the end, I realized that I shouldn't need to care about whether or not they remember what constitutes a portrait. Did they find an art piece that moved them deeply? I don't need to care about whether or not they remember the types of creation myths that we read. Did they come to a realization about the need to create religion? I don't need to know if they rememember facts abou their legendary figure. Did they realize that it is important to be an agent of change in the world?

I attempted to structure the class itself around a series of questions, asking big questions of myself each unit. I think in the end, I should have been asking the same questions I was asking the students of myself. What, truly, does it mean to be me?

So close?

2009-05-12T14:25:00.001-07:00

Summer's getting close enough that I can almost taste it. Although I am really sad to be leaving work, this definitely has bee a much more stressful year than last year. And of course, as always, I shouldn't complain since my job generally consists of awesome things like field trips and individual conferences. Granted, there's the not as wonderful things too--like worrying about children, and not being a psychologist and not being able to fix everything. But, overall there is so much more that is wonderful than is difficult.

With summer growing closer, both the children and I are growing restless. I had wicked bad allergies today, bad enough that when I lifted my head from the pillow, the entire world was echo-y and spinn-y. Not a good way to begin the day. Since this is the ONE day of the week that I don't teach nearly all day, I called in sick and took some benedryl allergy. Usually, that stuff knocks me out which was why I had so stealthily (and apparently unhealthily) avoided it until now. Within a couple of hours of watching reruns of the Colbert Report, I was feeling a lot better and (lo and behold) able to breathe from BOTH nostrils. Since then, I've been looking about the house, (grading as always), and thinking about what my goals are for this summer.

Trips that I would (ideally) make this summer: Boston (I should be going for a super-sweet conference) and New Hampshire (to see EW, EPC, PL [if she's still there] and my Aunt and Uncle--hopefully C would come out for that part), DC (to see SAI), Athens/Atlanta, and Birmingham (to see C's sister.) It all sounds like a lot of fun, but probably too many $. I also would, ideally, like to go down to Texas to see TM and give her a (long-overdue) wedding gift.

I'd like to organize my closet this summer and finish organizing the second bedroom. We dumped some stuff in here in an effort to just be moved in. Sometimes, it is still strange to think that we won't be moving again for a while. Needless to say, we rushed our moving a little bit so there are some piles that I'd love to get rid of.

I'd like to remove the wallpaper in our kitchen. Massive undertaking.

I'm going to set a goal of doing the wii fit 5 days a week. I love it and doing it has really gotten me in shape; I know it sounds laughable, but seriously! It's really fantastic. I'm trying to sell my parents on getting one.

Mainly, though, I can't believe that there are green leaves and warm weather.

Things that are cool in Chi-town right now:
Pirates exhibit at the Field
Harry Potter exhibit at the MSI (we went this past Sunday, it was amazing)
Relatively cheap Cubs tickets (since it's not sooo warm yet)
Restaurants with new outdoor seating
Uncommon Ground (this past week I remembered how much I love it!)

count down

2009-05-10T08:14:00.001-07:00

there's only 3 weeks left of school.
there's only about 14 days left of teaching.
bizarre...

Squee. Marriage. Yeah, that's right. Squee.

2009-05-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

This has been neglected too long. With the whole business of teaching and long weekends in Milwaukee and short weekends with Bat Mitzvahs, it has been too long. Soon to be back on track.

But, we're getting married, on the short track.

Field museum. Hall of gems. A surprise even though we knew it was existing. (: Really, really happy.

Too happy for sentences.

Prep.

2009-04-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

It feels wonderful to be on a break of some sort. I always forget how nice it is, once in a while, to not be at work during the day. This morning, I've been reading a middle school book "Girls, Drums and Dangerous Pie" (the ending of which sent me into a crying jag for ten minutes), drinking coffee and listening to the records that C and I bought last Sunday.

I'm going to clean up the house, take some pictures of it (C's mom has been asking for them pretty much since we moved in and I haven't taken a single one... but, it's starting to actually be something of which to take pictures, if that makes sense...) and run out to have lunch with KF. After that, I'll go to KB's to grade papers and watch the Mets game (ie she'll watch the Mets and I'll grade papers.) Finally, and most excitingly, S and P are going to come over to dye eggs.

I don't think I've felt so good, or so inspired in a long time. I have a massive checklist both for work and for home that I want to accomplish.... and I think with this time off, I will be able to. Which means I'll cruise into the rest of the year, finally, being prepared!

Where Did March Go?

2009-03-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm trying to grade stories while simultaneously watching the Lost World. It's an incredibly horrible movie, asie from the part when the little boy goes to his mother's room and tells her that there's a dinosaur in their backyard. She laughs, until they watch the dinosaur eat their dog. That part, absolutely hilarious. (I searched for it on youtube but could not find it, sadly enough.)

It was lovely to actually get to spend time with CA this weekend. On Friday night, S and P and KB and her boyfriend came over to watch March Madness. The older I get, the more I realize that people are incredibly polarized on March Madness. This year, I am pretty stoked in general, as MSU is in the final four (unnecessary yessssssssssssssssssss). I am also fourth in the pool I did with Craig and first in the pool at work. It's a pretty exciting thing, especially since I didn't do particularly hot in the first round.

On Saturday, I went to a bridal shower. Showers, by nature, are I believe only exciting for the bride (and sometimes for the groom, dependent on how open the bar is). There's no game that anyoen wants to play, there's no small talk that's comfortable while you watch people open knife sets and blenders. It simply is not exciting. The food, this time around was actually delicious and it was wonderful to get to see my godparents, but showers, by nature, make people antsy. That evening, C and I watched more basketball and the X-Files movie (which was incredibly strange and not entirely enjoyable.)

Today was filled with a variety of tasks, including the purchase of this (most of which is still on back order) and a trip to CostPlus. Although C is going to end up being busy a lot of next week, after that, it's going to be over and I cannot wait for it to be so. We are both so much happier when we're together.

This week should be another busy one at work, but I'm excited for our Art Institute Trip on Thursday!

Other:
1. Freak snowstorm today
2. I continue to forget how much I love dinosaurs
3. speakers are finally mounted downstairs
4. Passover break begins SO SOON

Gypsies?

2009-03-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed. This is definitely too much of a month. But, tomorrow will be pretty good... I get to dress up like a gypsy for Purim. Sweet.

Tahoe 2009

2009-02-25T14:42:00.000-08:00

First of all, CA's sister and husband came on Valentine's Day weekend. We actually had a fabulous time, including ribs from Twin Anchor (which I feel like I've linked to before) and chicken fingers at Stella's. We also spent time simply relaxing in the place, which is still a strange and new feeling. I feel as though I've gotten used to apartments much quicker than I've gotten used to this place (since I am still not completely used to it). I don't know if it's the realization that I'm going to be there until WE choose to move, not when a lease is up, or I want to be closer to work or something... it's more a choice than it's ever been, much more permanent as well. We used our spankin' new tv to watch Wall-E which I greatly enjoyed, but did not like as much as Ratituille (spelling is terrible... my apologies.) Either way, we then spent some time on Sunday with my relatives to celebrate the twins' first birthday. We had a fabulous time; it's strange how quickly (and how not quickly) children grow.

On Monday morning, we left for Lake Tahoe. We went in 08, but this year, we skiied more, skiied better and had a more incredible time (except for the hotel--we stayed at Mont Bleu last year which was pretty much the nicest hotel I'd ever stayed in and this year we stayed at Harrah's which is billed as a nicer place [but it's not true]). Our first night there, we didn't ski but simply enjoyed the Lake, the gambling and the food.

We skiied at Sierra the first two days; I especially enjoyed Sierra because it had long winding green trails that I could do easily and enjoyably. The food was also inexpensive and I thought the atmosphere was relatively chill. It also snowed the first two days so the "powder" was absolutely amazing. I had so much control over my skiis and I was able to stop relatively quickly. However, I should have taken a lesson; I was getting easily frustrated and although CA's tutelage was effortful, if you're not a teacher of something, you just sort of "do" it. He had a difficult time explaining some things to me and by the end of the second day, my feet were tingling as if they were asleep. I figured that I had to be doing something wrong (as well as was panicking about having a lot of work to do over break) so I decided to not ski the third day so he could have some fun on some of the harder hills, the double blacks if you will. (:

The next day, CA skiied at Kirkwood, which he called the best skiing he'd ever done. As soon as I got there, I was incredibly frustrated that I hadn't skiied because it looked amazing. It was also even more laid back than Sierra, with a "local" type bar for apres-skiing and really inexpensive/totally delicious food. I did get all the history tests graded and even more done so it was good that I did not ski, but CA said that he had the time of his life that day. The slopes were apparently just difficult enough to be an enjoyable challenge without being simply a relief that you got down them.

On the last day, we went to Squaw Valley where the 1960 Olympics were held. Although I got some tips from an instructor on the lift that day and, literally in ten minutes, became a better skiier (apparently, it's all about keeping your weight forward to have tighter turns), Squaw was neither of our favorite places. It was decidedly the showiest and MOST crowded of anywhere that we went and it cost us 45 bucks for two cheeseburgers, two fries and a couple of drinks (I wish I was joking, but sadly, I am not.) However, between the two of us, we had a great time because I became a better skiier. I wasn't obsessed with simply getting down, I was pumped to get down and was excited about the way down. We ended up having the best time simply because I wasn't cold, my feet didn't hurt and I was excited about the process.

After skiing, we quickly changed clothes, discovered that CA had sincere and severe goggle face, and got on a paddleboat cruise around the Lake. We weren't sure what to expect, but CA is fairly obsessed with the fact that Tahoe has a lake (which is relatively a rare view for skiiers apparently) and I had never really gotten to get a full mountain view, so we thought we'd check it out. We had done a full-day package that included breakfast, lift tickets, the cruise and the shuttle to and from Squaw, so we had already been informed about the various areas of Tahoe earlier in the day. The highlight had been being able to get to see the place where Fredo got shot in the Godfather II.

The cruise itself was gorgeous, since it was absolutely lovely weather below (and on) the mountains. On the deck, it was around 50 degrees until the sun went down. We hung out on the deck during the sunset, drank a drink called an Avalanche which is decidedly delicious but completely horrible for you and met another couple as we kept trading cameras for pictures. The scenery was beautiful and although CA's face hurt for most of the night, I spent a ton of time going outside to chronicle the sunset. It was amazing to watch the mountains change from the beginning to the absolutely last tiny bits of sunshine. It's also fantastic that the days are getting longer bit by tiny bit. We felt like even though Squaw hadn't been our favorite on the skiing side, we were excited about how much better I got and how much fun the paddle boats had been.

(view from the shuttle)

The next morning, we took the shuttle back to Reno and went home. Overall, the trip was fantasitc; we both so desperately needed a break and athough things are going to be a whirlwind lately from not only the report cards and the conferences but the rush to the end of the year, it was good that we went. Despite myself, I really am beginning to enjoy nature; now if I could only enjoy report card writing!

Suicides.

2009-02-13T10:28:00.001-08:00

The young ones are killing themselves these days
it seems, like it is a new drink to order
at a hipster bar on a Friday night as we slouch

decked in tight jeans and flannel. Is it a statement

these droves of suddenly snuffed youth? Or a wash,
white noise we don't even notice
because the drip drip drip of another
just doesn't echo quite so loudly?

The young ones are killing themselves these days
it seems, and I'm not sure if it's quitting
or winning that their act signifies. We can be angry

at their selfishness, their sacrifice. We can question
why they didn't extend arms
or act less brashly. From plummeting off buildings
to pulling triggers. It is momentary.

The young ones are killing themselves these days.
Two in two months, I know on tangent
and brief interaction. One, without focus
or fight, one with designs and drive
and too many eyes for too little years.

I can still begin my days quite the same
from shutting alarms to shuffling quietly
to leaky faucets. My tangets are still
safely far and securely distant.

Soon I will not be the young ones and my eyes
will need more in order to see. The young ones
are disintegrating these days, from age
or lack of it.

First From February

2009-02-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

So, last night S and myself and DP went to see Ludo, a band that she turned me onto while I was in Boston. Their rock opera, Broken Bride, was something I listened to over and over while I was studying in Beantown. This summer, their album "You're Awful, I Love You" came out and had such gems as "Lake Ponchatrain," "Love Me Dead" and "Japan It." The concert was full of seventeen year olds and us, which was alright by me. We had awesome stands (I can't really say seats) at The Metro and really enjoyed ourselves. The best part was that I wasn't home any later than I usually would be.

This has been an extraordinarly long week at work, and it's not even over yet. I have to make a phone call tomorrow and because I can't check my work voicemail, I'm dreading what it's about. I also have had several parent meetings and several student breakdowns. Most importantly, we had two cool-neat things this week, though. First up, an author/biographer, Candace Fleming, came to talk to the kiddos. She was awesome, mainly because she really talked to them about the importance of revising and drafting; right now, so many students are at a stage where they don't think their work needs any improvement. So, her showing them how many times her editor suggested that she revise, I think, was excellent for them.

We're also doing major curriculum mapping at the school, which is to some people's chagrin but to my excitement. It's wonderful to watch my plans get laid out and really helps me develop a better plan. I'm on the leadership team for writing, which is really important and exciting to me. Overall, KB and I did some important beginning work today, which was fascinating. I think it's exhillerating to think about how to teach writing; I guess that means I am in the correct profession.

Overall, though, I cannot wait for the week to be over...one more week and then C and I are heading to Tahoe. His sister comes on Wednesday but after that, we're free to (finally) relax together! It's been freezing here, but hopefully it'll warm up (it's supposed to be 50 on Saturday which is pretty much unhead of!) Mainly, I just want to be able to see C; this business at work has really torn me down. I just miss...well, that's for another time. Either way, my job's been busy but his has been hell. It'll all be over soon, though!

Scattered.

2009-02-01T11:02:00.001-08:00

1. I want to run away to paris. This is not a good choice, but I have vaguely reached the point where I don't think he or I care that it's not a good choice. It's not going to happen, but I wish it was.

2. I am also reaching the point where I just want to throw away everything that is still in bags because it means that we're not using it and it just exists. So, I just want to pitch it. Poor idea.

3. Thank god for S + P. It looks like Salt and Pepper but that's not what I mean at all.

4. At least he hasn't had to go into the office this weekend, which has meant that he actually was able to do a few things around here (never mind set up which still hasn't happened...) but, at least we're getting closer. As soon as the boxes go away, we'll be in MUCH better shape...

Moved In.

2009-01-27T19:46:00.001-08:00

It's official; I am sharing a bed with someone for the rest of my life. It's a very odd realization. It's absurdly comforting but it's also strangely frightening.

2009-01-23T18:53:00.000-08:00

I must say, whenever I think something might not be fun, it ends up being so. Although this week has been a ridiculous week (and last Saturday feels a million miles away...), I cannot believe how much fun the sixth graders, the chaperones (including MD, KB and myself) and I had on the trip to Camp in Wisconsin. Granted, it's hilarious to bring Jewish kids to a Christian camp (we had an astronomy lesson on Thursday night that ended with scripture verses and a quote "How big is his love" which elicited dirty comments from the supervisors. At least all the scripture verses were Old Testament and thus a part of the Torah. Never mind the fact that when someone asked the instructor whether or not SHE believed that there was life on other planets she answered, "No, because I believe that God made the universe special for just us.") and sing Birkat while we're there etc. But, it was amazing. I never got to go on aventures like this until I was in high school and there were several times that I got a little choked up watching my kiddos talking about each other, sing with each other and interact so nicely with each other. They're growing into such amazing human beings; I feel so lucky that I got to watch, and continue to get to.

We did tons of outdoor activites (none of which, except the sunset horseback riding, which was rather cold, was I remotely grumpy about) and I let myself get tackled in the snow. MD, a substitute who is turning out to be one of my favorite people AD, and myself sprinted to test out the Tobaggon Run before we let the kids out on it. I sent children down the tube hill, let them crash into each other and we cross-country skiied. Honestly, it was an awesome time and from letting them knock me with snowballs to me showing them how to use their poles in skiing, to listening to them show off their mythology prowace (yes, they were SO great during the constellation talk), it was totally rocking. Every part of my body hurts now, but I don't even care. It was amazing.

Now, though, I'm looking around, trying to figure out what to pack next in C's apartment and getting a little panicky. I guess it'll be alright. But, I can' thelp but feeling jut a tad bit exhausted. We're moving him tomorrow, and then we'll be all set. I hope...

Extreme Weather.

2009-01-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

Today it feels like -25. The brief moments that I was outside today were MISERABLE. It was one of those days that I was exceedingly thankful for my automobile. Fantastic call to move this week, self.
A screen shot, letting you know that I'm not lying. But, at least it's sunny?

Finally the New Year...

2009-01-14T19:07:00.000-08:00

Once again, my entire life is in boxes. It's humbling, really when you realize how much/how quickly you can be reduced to simple post-it notes with labels. I must have done a better job at organizing things because this time, there's really only one box labeled "random." Tomorrow is my last day at work and I'll be taking Friday off for me to get things organized for my Saturday move. I realized that when I get there, I'll be able to throw in a load of wash. Little things like that are the most freeing things to think of.

I gave notice of termination today. Basically, because of legal tenant codes, I am able to terminate because of a packet I was not provided with upon the signing of my lease. I know, it's not the nicest thing to do, BUT, it's at least something and as of February 1, I can take care of a lot of other things.

We spent last Saturday celebrating ANR's birthday and also going to Ikea. Ikea has now gone from a fun, exciting place to really, one of the circles of hell. We were there for almost five hours. Amongst the better purchases included a friend for William Howard Taft (he's a baby that we have named Jimbo), an elephant, this great print and a fantastic desk. I have no idea how we're going to put any of these things together or how anything is going to look at all. But, hopefully it'll be alright... S and P offered to help us this Friday and we're really going to need the help.

They came out to my parents' on Sunday where we watched some football (Go Eagles!) and ordered some pizza. C and I also bought a television the size of a small African nation (the one for downstairs is the size of a large African nation...)

This entire week has been a blur, filled with having the sixth graders volunteer at lakeview pantry and working on their legendary figures project. Teaching Christianity is also incredibly interesting (and rattling). Next week, we're heading to Wisconsin for three days of winter fun (and it's supposed to be nearly as cold as it is here... which is freezing let me tell you.)

Either way, I'm still slightly overwhelmed and wishing that I could go back to those two weeks when C and I were both off, and both enjoying just laying around... It was amazing. I'm trying to prep for the amount of grading that's going to come in soon and what that's going to mean. I'm just trying to prepare. It's going to be a wicked month (independent writing piece, biography project, essay, grammar test, history test...) and I need to get situated for it. But then comes February break!
There we are on New Year's Eve. I'm hoping that I can keep that smiple up even as he gets busier (and I know he has to get busier...)

Unfinished...

2009-01-07T20:13:00.001-08:00

As Death Cab for Cutie says, "So this is the New Year..." and I have to admit, I'm excited about what CA has deemed the year of us. I don't know what that entails, but I have to admit, I think that it's going to be wonderful. Whenever I think we might be not communicating as well, we find a new way to talk to each other. We spent New Year's with ANR and her man which was more fun than I think I could have anticipated. Moreover, I continue to be reminded of the people that mean the world to me.

I met EPS for breakfast on the Sunday before I went back to work. We went to Vella Cafe in Bucktown, which was absolutely delicious. Then, CA and I went with my dad to work on the house. We accomplished a lot, although it was exhausting, and we'll go back next Sunday to finish things up before MLK weekend and the big move. I have to ask S and P if they'd like to do the couch sometime next week (I'm hoping S will remind me) and I'll spend most of the week packing...

Almost the New Year.

2008-12-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

I have NOT found someone to rent my apartment. It's incredibly annoying when people ALMOST finish all the steps and then don't. I'm very worried about not finding someone now, and it's getting to the point of almost-panic. If I don't find someone soon, I'm going to have to pull out of my lease. There's a legal way for me to do so, since I didn't receive this "renter's packet" that everyone is supposed to legally receive. If you don't get it at the time of signing your lease, you can pull out of your lease with 30-days notice. I can't afford (and neither, really, can CA) for me to be maintaining an apartment once we've moved in to our new place.

Speaking of new place, there's much afoot! We replaced a lot of light fixtures etc, and the contractors are there right now, as we speak, sanding and refinishing the floors. There's still several major things left to do before we finish up and move in, but by February 1, we should be moving in. I'm hoping to use the MLK weekend as the moving weekend, so that we'd have some extra time to get ourselves settled before I went back to work. We need to pick out paint colors etc. but thankfully CA took the time off of work this week so we can get things done.

And speaking of CA, I spent Christmas in Florida with his family. It was... intense. Mainly just because it was different from what I was used to. However, it was fun (although, who plays baseball or goes golfing on Christmas? Why is it WARM enough to do that), but I was glad to be home and celebrate with my parents yesterday.

I guess I am just relieved to not feel like I have something I need to do right now. We did laundry and we're laying around watching the Northwestern/Missou bowl game (yessss, big ten!) and listening to music. It's a good time, a quiet time, and really... a time that I really needed.

I have read four books already this break, which has also been refreshing. The best one I read was Unwind, a middle school book but In the Woods was also amazing. Slam was good and the memoir by Hakuri Murikami about running was excellent. I'm excited to continue reading trashy vampire books ofr another week, and working on the house. It still seems strange to say that.

Finally, I spent some quality time both with EPS and ANR. It was wonderful to do our usual Christmas with ANR, complete with diner food, too many presents and very clearly showing that we know each other well. Honestly, I can't complain. Things are quiet. And that's good. Pictures to follow.

More moving miscelaney.

2008-12-20T08:10:00.001-08:00

In moving-related news

1. I believe I have found someone to rent my apartment, thank god. And he's totally flexible with a TON of stuff.

2. Contractors will start the day after Christmas.

3. I want it all to be over so that I can just move in and not have to deal with beginning to pack for Florida at my apartment and finishing at CA's. I'm done. Let's just have our stuff in one place and be done with it.

4. I will, however, miss the heated garage. That's amazing.

5. My dad's being amazing and helping us out so much; I don't know what I'd do without him.

Miscelaney

2008-12-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

We had big old family Christmas this weekend because of my cousins who work for UPS and their need to be at their jobs super-late for the next three weeks. He always misses part of Christmas in some capacity and so doing it this early meant that everyone could be there for the whole time. But this year he and his wife have twins (who are less than a year old--like 10ish months). Adding those babies to big old family Christmas was hilarious because it's so funny the things that can be amusing with small children. Watching them do the simplest things like unwrap a present or stand up on their own is fascinating. I think it added a new dynamic and joy to the party. Next year, it'll be crazy because they'll be running around all on their own. It's amazing to think about how these things change so quickly.

We brought a contractor out to the place to give us some estimates yesterday and there's another one coming out there today to talk to us some more. We're realizing in some ways just how much this is all going to cost. We're not going to (and cannot) do everything at once, so we're just prioritizing what we can and cannot do. We might be putting hard-wood floors downstairs too as every contractor whose been out has told us that they really don't think the carpet is going to clean up the way that we want it to. It seems like a stupid expense to put in new carpet and then have to re-do the new carpet at some point. It looks like other things (like a king-size bed) are going to need to be put off.

Finally, in other news, I am more frustrated than ever that this year I do not have mystical amounts of money with which to buy my parents gifts. I know that an iPhone and a kindle would be PERFECT for them, but alas and alack...

Thanksgiving.

2008-11-29T20:36:00.000-08:00

We've begun doing things to the house, which is turning out to be much more treacherous and time-involved than I initially thought. However, I am looking forward to the moment when I don't have to go somewhere else to check my mail and live out of my dry cleaning bags. It'll be nice when all of our things are in one location.

Thanksgiving weekend has been a really great time; I didn't get any of the things done that I was planning on doing, but I did get to have a nice time with my parents, with C and with ANR. On Wednesday, she and I went to go get our hair cut and, at one point, when we were both singing in the car it felt like "old times," or rather new times but old us. I don't know if that makes sense; it felt like however we change, whoever we become, there will still be our friendship. We ate good Italian food and talked about the future.

Thursday was fantastically good food and it really felt like C was truly a part of my family. We played cards and I watched him be his true self. We were totally stuffed however and didn't even have second dinner. But, we did have my stuffing (which is one of the few things I do actually make well) and my mom's Greek stuffing hanging out in the fridge, so my parents made me promise that we'd come back for dinner the following night.

Friday, I got some good shopping done with ANR while C took my car and did a few errands around the house. (It still feels extremely strange to do that). He and my dad bought things for the house around Home Depot (which I never thought would be a store that had anything for me at all...) and then he and I bought a COUCH! So, so, so exciting!

Today was the FSU/UF game (which FSU lost) but we've spent most of the day relaxing. As usual, I haven't graded anything that I needed... but we did get presents for relatives... and play guitar hero. Clearly productive. But clearly people for whom I should be thankful.

Homeowners!

2008-11-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

Amongst all the things blazing forward this week, we are now, finally, homeowners. I shouldn't say finally like it's a relief. In some ways, it brings up scores of new worries, new expenses and new fears. I say finally, though, because it will quench this need--the exhaustion of two places, the need to feel like we are building a home together, the feeling of completeness to use a plural possessive pronoun. We're nervous, don't get me wrong (well, perhaps I a bit more than he) but, we're excited. I had never seen him so containedly giddy before when I met them at my parents' car parked outside our new place.

Something's beginning here, and it's exciting. Some of the house looked more beat up with nothing in it, it made some things (like needing to put new wallpaper in the kitchen and paint the cabinets) seem a bit more daunting. But, we'll get there. We ALWAYS get there.

I'm just excited. They're our keys and we never have to give them back to anyone.

Kafka on the Shore.

2008-11-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

Tonight, C and I went to see Kafka on the Shore at the Steppenwolf. Neither of us had been there before, so it was a very new experience. The theatre was strange inside, very parking-garage like, but the show itself was mesmerizing. It was absolutely amazing and made me remember how much I loved his books. I think, very soon, I am going to start another one of his books, perhaps "After Dark" or perhaps something different. He has a new book coming out soon, and I cannot wait. There was something quietly eloquent about the whole thing.

My favorite quotation was: I wrote a book once, about lightening. I went all over Japan and interviewed people who had been struck by lightening. The interviews were very interesting. A small publisher distributed it, but it didn't do very well. It didn't have a conclusion and people like endings. I myself, didn't mind it.

It was fantastic, really. C liked it too, even though he didn't really know too much about what was going on. But then again, with the avant garde I guess you're not supposed to (at least according to the show itself.) The stage was all painted blue and the music choices (just like in the Brothers K) were perfect. Kafka, the child, was fantastic (even though he wasn't really 15.) Overall great.

Birthday tomorrow; I don't think I feel my age...

DINOSAURS

2008-11-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was long but nice. CA's birthday celebration was successful and who doesn't love college football? (Okay, fine, a lot of people don't love college football... but going to a game is always fun. Especially when there's soft pretzels.) We didn't really celebrate Halloween itself, although I discovered that he would have dressed up. So, that means I need to start thinking of cool couples Halloween costumes. Antony and Cleopatra? Ketsup and Mustard? Either way, it was a fun weekend, but stressed me out for the coming week.

It's been a frustrating week at work and a historic week for our country. I'm excited about eventual changes in how our country does business (yay for changing no child left behind) but I am not so thrilled about how certain things are going down at work. It's been exciting to hear one of my students talk about his dad with such high esteem. It's been exciting, but frustrating to read tests that say "rebublic" instead of "republic" even when I gave a word bank. It's been frustrating to get asked about grades and changes and "did I really mean that?" Needless to say, in all my frustration, it was and has been a lovely weekend.

On Thursday, I got to go to Kirkwood (which I love) and hang out with EPS and KF. It was nice to have good conversation and enjoy drinks. It was nice, for a moment, to not be thinking about work... at least momentarily. On Friday, I couldn't take it anymore. I was frustrated with the feedback I was getting from others, I was flustered with the amount of work I was carrying around in my bag and the weight that I was feeling on my shoulders. I had had to reprimand one of my favorite students, a girl who I love and adore. It's hard to watch these tiny, innocent munchkins become neurotic and grade-mongering. I'm trying to fix it in whatever way I can, but sometimes, it's all a little bit too much. So, I said forget it and went to drink cider and eat grilled cheese sandwiches at F O Mahoney's with KB and her dude (since my dude was still at work after getting about 2 hours of sleep the night before.) We had a really great time and made copious Simpson's references (mainly about voting for Kodos and it being a two party system).

On Saturday, I had brunch at Nookies with S and DP. Then, we went to Target where I bought many things I didn't need and a couple things that I did. But, isn't that always the way with Target? I probably should return some of them, but will I? Answer = decisively no. After that, C and I watched the FSU game. After their crushing fumble in the end-zone loss last week, they won decisively (ooh, twice in one paragrpah) this week. Then, the best part of the weekend came: booze + dinosaurs.

The Bar Association had some kind of benefit thing at the Field Museum. We had originally believed it was fancy-dan, but it ended up being just casual. We got to hang out with the dinosaurs, and drink free booze. There was food as well, but it was not as delicious as the free drinks. We saw a fantastic exhibit on the Aztecs and then wandered through the evolution exhibit.

I love getting to do things like that with him. From going to see The Brothers Karmazov this week at the Lookinglass (which was done excellently) with him to doing things like that, it's refreshing to know that he values the things and the experiences that I, too, want to experience and value. I like that we spent time reading the cards and got excited to discover facts like whale were originally land creatures. We also got excited to reference our Dinosaur Show with our new expanded knowledge.

But moreover, it was just really neat to be in the museum like that. We missed out on the Nature Unleashed exhibit (you can't bring drinks into the exhibit so we wasted some time drinking when we should have been exhibiting) but we got to see a ton of really awesome stuff. I always love the evolution piece. I didn't know that the Field had a cast of Lucy's bones (which was also fantastic to see... I wonder where the real one is?...according to Wikipedia, the original is in Ethopia... logical).

This upcoming week should be full of exciting things--on Monday, people from work are taking me to dinner for my birthday, on Tuesday, C and I are going to see Kafka on the Shore which I have wanted to see and Wednesday is my birthday. On Thursday/Friday, there's conferences, but on Saturday ANR and I are going to get our hair cut and then we're going out to dinner with S and P. I'm thrilled about all the "culture" things that I get to do because I'm in this city, and thrilled right now, that there are people with whom to do them. Thrilled that the president elect is from this place (from Hyde Park even, where I have a connection) and thrilled that voices are being heard (even if I feel downtrodden at school.) Thrilled that I know the chief of staff and feel like he was a really solid choice. And least importantly, but very excitingly, I am thrilled that I now own a new bag from Target. Thrilled that last week, I ALSO went to the symphony with my kiddos (it was a very "cultural" week...) Exciting things are, as always, afoot. Thrilled MOST OF ALL, that on Wednesday, we will officially own our home (also scared out of my life on that point.) But, it will all get done and we will continue to be... well, let's be honest, we'll continue to be happy.

Two Years Ago...

2008-10-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

So, as I was in the shower, I realized that a two years on November 1, I met CA on a plane. I'd been thinking about that all day, looking for a nice card, something to give him while we were in Georgia. Really, I've been thinking about our anniversary for a long time, if you take into account the fact that I had scrapbooked since like July to get ready for it.

But, until one weird moment in the shower, when I remembered why I was flying home, did it even enter into my head that two years ago today, I received the letter from he-who-shall-no-longer-be-named that told me he was, "Confused about what we were doing," and, "thought he'd been leading me astray for the past five years." I remember how indignant and mystified I was at the time. And how terrified. Not that I'd lost him, but that there would never be anyone else.

I had known it wasn't good for a long time, years, really, if I was being honest with myself. I knew it wasn't a fun relationship. I knew I wasn't laughing enough (or, most of the time, at all.) I knew that there were things that I had deeply cared about, that I was losing. But, there was that huge part of me that didn't know how to be alone.

And so I got on that plane, ready to come home and try to get him to take me back. I got on that plane because I thought it was my only option. I got OFF that plane wondering if I didn't need to be that clingy type of a person anymore. And two years later, I'm realizing how little of myself was left and how lucky I am that, before November 1 happened, October 30 happened. It's funny, how it seemed so monumental then and now, I'm forgetting the things that had seemed so ingrained--phone numbers, birthdays, important events.

Like that saying of Hemingways goes, "All things, good and bad, leave an emptiness when gone. If the thing was bad, the emptiness fills up on its own. If it was good, it take something better to fill it."

Lucky for me, the emptiness had a year to go away on its own in Beantown. And by the time I came back, I was fully ready for something, someone, better to fill it up.

Oh, My!

2008-10-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

So, I realize that the only things I ever talk about much are either that guy or my job. Sometimes my friends. Sometimes interesting articles. Well, never fear! Today, instead of writing about being overwhelmed at work, or frustrated with my dude's job (I have this stupendous scrapbook to give him but instead he is at work. And I had to park in the super-expensive garage...), I will write about these miraculous cupcakes I got from the cupcake store. This week's flavors included Frankenstein (pear), Bloody Armadillo (grape-infused-something-something), black cat (you guessed it, a lot of chocolate) and more. Delicious... but the best part, CUTE!

This one is the werewolf. How great is it? The chicken was also cute (make with twizzlers and coconut flakes...) but, this one was my favorite. They didn't cost any more than any of the others do usually, but this one must have taken forever. Either way, I had to document it for all time, because I love it. After a really cruddy week (it's hard to travel and go back the next day... and I'll be doing it again this weekend...), I'm excited about something simple.

His Home.

2008-10-24T20:56:00.001-07:00

I'm at CA's parents home. It feels vaguely like Meet the Parents (more than vaguely, actually...) and we're sleeping in separate rooms and everything. There's lots of small child pictures of him (and believe you me, he looks exactly like he does now.) I feel like I'm doing alright with them, but... I'm always in awe of families who are not mine...

Homes for All.

2008-10-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

I think I might be in a bit of a funk. We're going out of town the next two weekends, which is convenient for my hobbit-like tendencies. Last night, CA and I went to this really fancy-dan Mexican restaurant to get dinner. I had really just wanted chips and guac and a margarita, which this restaurant does not have. It was delicious and we watched people take free salsa lessons there, but I was decidedly in the mood for cheap-ass salsa and margaritas out of a pitcher.

This past weekend, CA's sister and husband were in town and we spent the good majority of it watching football games. There are worse things, really. (: They came in Thursday night and we ordered Chinese and watched the FSU game. All rejoiced because they won. On Friday, we went to the little Italian place near my house for dinner and then went to look at our place. (Everything is almost completely taken care of...so now, it's a matter of finding furniture and...well, moving in.) We didn't get to go inside, but it still looks real pretty from the outside. She and her husband were confused because there was a hut next to our place, but I explained that it was sukkot and that the hut would not be there forever. Then they took the red line home and CA and I had a really nice quiet night at my apartment.

We listened to records, ate some cheese and crackers and then watched the first 4 episodes of 30 Rock (which he momentarily confused with 3rd Rock from the Sun...neither of which he had ever seen. I cleared up the problem by explaining that live comedy show = NOT aliens). He really enjoyed 30 Rock, which pumps me up and means that hopefully he'll watch it with me. (He will not, however, watch The Office which thankfully is back on iTunes...so when I miss episodes to watch the FSU game, I am still saved.)

We laid in bed, falling asleep to a record that he was really proud that he bought (a few months ago, we went to the Pulitzer Library sale and although we went for books, we ended up with like 50 bucks worth of records. I got some sweet Billy Joel stuff and the original cast recordings of both Hair and Sweeney Todd and CA bought mainly classical. The amazing part is that ALL of the records were in amazing shape...we've listened to nearly all of them now, and they're all great!) and I told him simply that I was never the kid who wanted a big wedding but I wanted someone who liked to do the things I liked, and that I could like the things that they liked. We laid there for a little while, talking about compromises and how he realizes that there's certain things (Spore, Civ, laying in boxer shorts) that I will probably enver enjoy that much. I too accept that he is never going to spend the afternoon reading poetry. But, I've come to really enjoy college football (don't ask me why, because I honestly couldn't tell you) and he has come to really like purchasing records. We've started watching shows together (Jurassic Fight Club, Mad Men, The Daily Show...) and we've started to read each other's books (Special Topics in Calamity Physics and Choke to name a few). We're adapting to each other.

(Which incidentally brings me back to my hermit-hood, in which I feel like I am spending all my spare time with him. Which, I guess, is not such a bad thing. Even though I feel like I am neglecting other people. I haven't had dinner with S in like a week and a half and I haven't seen EPS in weeks. And let's not get started on ANR now that she lives in bumblefreak. We talked about htis last night at dinner and it's likely that I should be more concerned about my hobit-hood. But, I'm not. It's likely that I should, though...)

Anyway, let me avoid talking about that any further by continuing to recount the weekend. On Saturday, we picked them up and went to Jerry's for lunch (which is one of the things I do miss about Wicker Park...) and then they had a bunch of drinks at The Boundary (which I had thought was going to be ridiculous but was actually really fun). We ordered some pizza at CA's and then he and I headed home to dance to Ray Charles and fall asleep early.

On Sunday, we went to a place in Roscoe Village for brunch called Kitsch'n which had all this retro seventies decor. It was really cute! We dropped them at the airport, looked at some couches and ate a really early dinner at Stella's with some cheese back at the apartment. I really don't think I have ever consumed so much cheese so steadily...

We're heading to meet his parents on Thursday, which should be a very interesting weekend. I guess the one thing that still befuddles me is that there's this whole other life before me. Before November 1, 2006...he was this person without me. He did not exist to me, nor did I exist to him. I relate this to watching the American flag flutter on Tribune Tower last night... those combinations of colors and stripes and patterns mean something to me, to other Americans, but if you had no affiliation, it exists as nothing to you. This idea of how arbitrary nothing and something is is really interesting and confusing to me.

We're using this woman, Lynda Barry, to teach in our curriculum. Her books 100 Demons and What It Is are both amazing and inspirational to our kiddos during writing class. But she asks all these questions of them--about what time is, and what memory is and if they're the same and different. Her 100 Demons is a variatinon on an old zen idea about writing and writing your demons until they're gone. We used this as a writing assignment for our kids--what was one of their demons?

Lynda's cartoon about finding a home from 100 Demons

A child asked me what mine would be and I said being alone. The more I think about it, it's easy to retreat into myself now, because there's someone else there. In Boston, I was all over the place, doing things and spending time with people. Now, not so much. Simply because when I come home at night, someone else is there. I feel like I can afford to be lazy, now, because I'm starting to believe that this is the right home for me, and that it's not going anywhere. At least, I hope it's not.

Babies.

2008-10-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

Our friends J and A just had their first baby. They named him Oliver Charles which I think is a completely solid name for a baby--nice and waspy. But, as I was scanning through their pictures, I started thinking about babies in general.

I have never really thought about myself as a mother. As an only child, there's not been much of an opportunity for me to nurse little children and I never went toward the babysitting route. I think a couple of times, I babysat for a good family friend of my parents, but their kids were not wee ones. When I listen to women talk about folic acid, and holding babies' heads up while they burp etc. etc. I am astounded. I have no idea what they're talking about.

In those moments, I am completely convinced that I'm going to be totally screwed when I have, rather, IF I have, a child.

However, the other day, I was looking over at C and I thought, "It wouldn't be so bad to make a baby with you." Clearly, not right now. Not for the next 5-10 years. But, at some point, I guess it wouldn't be so bad to have a child. I guess it's not so much about wanting the child (clearly, you should want a baby before having one) but, more about feeling a certain affinity and faith in the person that you're with. All the pictures of J and A show them excited to have a family together. It's not just about having the physical baby, but it's about what's inside that baby--the fact that the two of you created that, together.

I guess what I'm saying is that basically, as intimidating as a child is...as frightening as it is to think that no matter what kind of a parent you are you're still going to mess up and that kid is still going to be dysfunctional in some way (apparently, it can't be helped)...as expensive as they are... I guess it wouldn't be so bad. At some point.

I feel like I keep needing to say at some point, because I don't want to appear baby crazy. I just mean that before, children were completely out of my realm of possibility. I don't know if I'm getting less selfish or just more aware. Maybe a little bit of both.

marathon

2008-10-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

This morning people ran the marathon. I woke up at 730 hearing cowbells and wondering what the hell was going on. Now it's 930 and I vaguely want to go back to bed but feel like, instead, I should just suck it up and do some grading.

The next three weekends are going to be very busy, and then the four weekend after that, I want to do something for my birthday, but I sort-of feel like I ought to wait until after the closing to do something. I haven't decided yet. It'll be something small, anyway. I'll do something with people from work and then something with ANR and her guy and S and P, likely. I don't know what I'll end up doing, though...

I guess the marathon just made me feel like I need to be motivated to do something. But isn't running on concrete bad for your knees?

Apple Picking...

2008-10-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot going on lately, from negotiations with the house to two deceased grandmothers in CA's family, to missed celebrations... so it's been a relatively busy (and stressful) set of weeks. I'm realizing how difficult it is to teach several different types of classes (there's three different classes for which I need to prepare--my "special" class, Workshop and history) and then teaching it to different types of groups is also challenging.

But, I'm remembering how to fall back in love with my students though. I am remembering what charmers they are when I give them a chance and what kind of fun we have when we relax. They're cracking me up and they're making me feel like I am doing my job. When several of us went out for a drink yesterday, we were talking about the type of change that you create with these children and how fundamentally different it is from the kind of change you create with the children who "need" more readily.

Last weekend, I went apple picking with S and P and CA. We went to this farm which was a really nice place. We did the Maize Maze (which CA did not particularly enjoy--he was preferring hamburgers instead) and ended up going to get pizza back near our house afterward. We went to the Piehole which was delicious but I would like to order and eat at home from here on out. The music was a little too techno-y for me, and I wasn't very into it. But, overall, it was a very successful day.

Basically, I am just excited for fall. It is really turning out beautifully. The next several weeks are going to be incredibly busy--CA's sister will be in town next weekend, then we're going to Florida to see his parents and then, the next weekend, we'll be going to the FSU/Georgia Tech game. I'll be meeting all of his down-home friends, which is exciting but also terrifying. I forget, sometimes, the difference. S and P are just normal people to him, just people we see often. ANR and her gentlemen are the same. But, he has this whole other life, that we don't really interact with, but they exist nonetheless. So, we'll see.

I ordered his birthday present from the internets and added a completely corny and camp inscription on the little gold iPod that reads "to CA--music for the one who is my song." I know, vomit. (:

But, more seriously, how is it October? After these three weekends, it'll be my birthday weekend... and then... the house. Eep! but, most seriously, and disturbingly of all... this article about abortinon on the ballot many places... check it out. And then collectively sigh with me.

Furniture?

2008-09-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

As the fact that we are going to be spending the rest of our lives together registers more fully in my brain, I get more used to using a collective possessive pronoun. It is as simple, and indeed, as complicated as that. Most of the time, my brain has difficulty comprehending the scope of difference in my life in the past several years.

We think that the earliest years are the most formative because we need to work out and learn so much simultaneously. We need to manage walking, talking, recognizing and making sense of the world. We do massive growth inwardly and outwardly. However, I'm beginning to feel like these years are just as formative. When I think about the person that I was when I started college and the person that I have become by now... it staggers me. I am not trying to toot my own horn, but we change so much during these years.

We become less self-centered and look more to how we interrelate with others. We see people as systems and we see ourselves as part of something greater than the small sphere of our room or our friends or the people who congregate outside our locker. I don't know if the scope of this change will hit me until I have purchased some holiday towels and invite people to my home. Strange.

In less serious news, let me tell you how annoying/wonderful it is to go look for furniture. The scope of picking these things out... it's difficult to think about filing so much space! Anyone want to design and furnish my place for me? For free? Sigh...

Picking Up Spotty Internet in My Apartment

2008-09-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

So we/he have purchased a house. I'm incredibly excited about it, but it is also the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced, ever. From the realization that between the two of our student loans AND this house, we owe more money than I ever, ever thought I could comprehend. I am working on maintaining my excitement while being terrified. He is working on the same thing. Of course, it seems completely too fast--even though we've been looking for a good nine months.

I don't know how to write more right now. I'm alone in my studio right now, thinking about how little time I have left to be alone and how both simultaneously exciting and frightening it is to think about that.

Bad Horse!

2008-09-09T07:12:00.000-07:00

As usual, I am the last one to know about anything, BUT, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is available on iTunes for me to listen to now. Yes. This made the worst week ever slightly less worse.

Trying to get it together...

2008-09-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

This has all been overwhelming. Perhaps I should just list in order to get it all out there.

1. August has been a rough month for CA. Because of that, in tern, it becomes a little bit of a rough month for me. He spent a week in South Dakota for work, which is not the most exciting state in the Union (I'm sure it's not the worst, it's got the Badlands and the Crazy Horse Memorial which looks like the most amazing thing in the world and Mt. Rushmore--so lots of carving) and worked very hard whilst there. He also spent two weekends away visiting sick (and in one case, now deceased) grandmas. And now, this past week, he's spent time at a wake and a funeral. I'm not always sure how to support him. And next weekend on Saturday, I am flying to Houston for a Bachelorette Party (in Galveston, which should be fun...including a margarita machine. Delicious.) And the FOLLOWING weekend, we're both going down to Houston for the wedding (which means that I have to book a hotel...we've got everything else done though. And I've got a HOTT [yes, with two Ts] dress for the reception [which is too scandalous for the church, so I have to find something to wear...] with amazing shoes to match).

I wanted to go down for the funeral with him, but there were fundamental problems with that. 1. I have not yet met his parents and I don't want his mother's first memory of me to be etched alongside her mother's funeral 2. It's the first week of school and it would have been incredibly disruptive for me to leave; I'm already protective of one of my classes (the one I designed). So, this entire time, I've felt incredibly guilty about not being there and not being able to support him.

I love him, simply. There is nothing simple about that, really, though because it means such a complexity of things. It means trust and responsibility (so much of adulthood, really). It means little things too, like a person to share all my books with and a place to hide my cold feet. It's a communal pronoun. I love the way that when we take pictures, he actually doesn't look like he wants to be anywhere else.

2. This first week of school was incredibly overwhelming. Last night, I had plans and literally went home and collapsed on my couch. I cannot understand why I'm so tired. It might be that performing the role of "Ms. R" is difficult. I constantly have to be on, I cannot show disinterest...they're sensitive, so much more sensitive than I had initially anticipated. It's strange to teach more than 1 section of the same class; I feel badly for the children I teach to first. I learn so much more about how to present information the more I do it. I do it differently a little bit each time too.

I don't know why it's been overwhelming. There was much to prepare and thinking about several different classes from scratch. I do love my new classes though, and I do love teaching history. There's much more art to it (art in the "fine art" sense, and also in the skill set sense). My new class is also incredibly exciting. They began their "big questions" unit. One student wrote on the board: what is the voice in our head? Another student responded what if the voice in our head is God? And the final student responded But if it's God, why does it tell us to not do the right thing? To which someone else asked and drew and arrow what is right? Is there an absolute right?

These are sixth graders. This is where their thinking is. It's incredibly exciting.

3. I haven't done laundry in eight weeks. It's going on right now. That's very good. In other "good" news, I'm realizing how easy it is to save money simply by not buying coffee every morning. I've already saved 50 bucks since the start of August. I love it.

4. Finally, other thing that I love, although I am not a supporter of "reality" shows, I watched the season premiere of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" and it's been on for 3 years. They've never had a million dollar winner. The did tonight. It was a Georgia School Superintendent. And she's giving the money to Georgia state schools. I love it. Bully for school. She won on who the longest reigning British Monarch was.

In case you were wondering, it's Victoria.

Anyway, I'm going to get it together. Soon.

beginnings.

2008-09-05T07:12:00.000-07:00

Work has begun. I'm incredibly stressed out and harried and the next three weekends are going to be a mush of traveling and trying to get things done and missing the absurd amount of sleep I was getting mere weeks ago.

Disaster Zone.

2008-08-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how good things can feel so far away right now. It's the last day of work week (officially, but don't worry, I'll still be here on Friday...) and all the joy and good will I felt on Saturday night has officially evaporated. This is a more stressful beginning to the year than last year and no one is giving me clear or defined answers to anything. Our room is relatively well put together, but I am tired. LM and I worked extremely hard on it and it does honestly look really good. I just want the rest of my things to come and let me file everything away so that I can work on it all and be done.

But, the major problem is CA. He's been away on business all week, understandable. But, his grandmother is now extremely ill (kidneys failing) and so he's flying back from South Dakota right now and will be flying out to Mississippi tomorrow morning. The last several weeks have felt like one disaster after another and despite my best efforts to be supportive and understanding, I am sorely failing.

I just can't deal with being at work right now.

Awkward Turtle

2008-08-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

There's much to say, but right now, I am thinking about fitting and not fitting in and when that happens. I had much the awkward weekend. Even with people with whom I usually fit in (I know, sentence fragment.)

On Friday, I saw a very old friend and although it was wonderful to see her and re-connect with some people I hadn't seen in a while, overall, I was confused about what my role in the evening was. I felt like I slipped back into my role as a college student--the non-drinker, the quiet wallflower. After being in grad school and having people like EC and TM bring me out of my shell (or remind me that I didn't need a shell), and having debates more consistently with the likes of S and dating CA which always means a good time and means me being my actual self. I felt like I was regressing in some way, just because I was with some people who make me uncomfortable.

On Sunday, I went to a wedding. At points in time, it is awkward because CA and I are the only unmarried ones. It's not awkward in the sense of "oh god when am I going to get a ring" but it is awkward when people introduce me as his wife. This is probably a self-imposed awkwardness, or just a continued recognition of our age difference (which is only prevalent in this issue that all of his friends are married). Either way, I felt very much like the odd person out.

I think the thing is that I have recognized that I am pretty alright with being a hobbit. I spend the majority of my time with CA, and a smattering of other people. I really am alright with that. I can't tell if my awkwardness around other people is because I don't get "out" much or if I really have gotten good at identifying how I want to spend my time...

What Kind of a Theme?

2008-08-08T06:55:00.000-07:00

This is the wedding cake that I love. Because I think getting married in the fall would be a lovely idea, I think this cake would be amazing. Of course, there will be no damn birds on the cake. Stupid birds. (No bulldogs either.)

This morning, however, I stumbled upon THIS wedding cake. I believe that THIS is the cake that CA would love to have. I think it takes the theme to a whole other, slightly more violent and less sharing-in-permanent-love-for-the-rest-of-your-life theme.

Vampires? CAMP-pires.

2008-08-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

This will be my last post today, I promise.

But, lately, I have been involved in reading a Young Adult series called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (all up with the Es apparently). They're delicious, and ridiculous and remind me of what it was like to be seventeen and in love. Sometimes, if they tell each other that they love each other more than anyone has ever loved anyone one more time, I think I'm going to kill myself. But then, I remember my high school boyfriend and how no one was ever going to love anyone as much as I loved him. Then, I understand.

However, I think teenage girls are oblivious to this fact.

So, anyway, basically, they're overbown fan fiction. They're about ships and they're about conflict. They're thrilling, and completely non-realistic. I love them in the way that I love my "Scottish porn"; they have nothing to do with "serious" literature. They're just hilarious.

However, teenage girls take themselves too seriously.

The fourth book came out and it was ridiculous. There was werewolf imprinting on a half-vampire, half-human Edward-Bella baby, there were vampires from all over the world, there were mind readers, there was a 19-year old wedding (pre-baby), there was bizarre sickness and strange absences and did I mention werewolves? There was a vampire mafia and this vampire-hybrid. There's a throw-down at the end. And let's face it, it was delicious. However, apparently, teenage girls were outraged. They didn't like how drama-filled it was.

Apparently, they liked it better when Bella was heartbroken over a vampire and was simultaneously pining after a werewolf. Because that makes goddamn sense.

So, instead of accepting for what it is, crackfic that is delightful to read in its hilarity, and deliciousness, girls are outraged because they didn't stay true to character or something like that. I, personally, loved the fourth book more than all the other books. It was non-stop action, teenage drama and hilariousness. How could you not love a mutant baby that breaks Bella's ribs because it's so freaking strong? People have begun returning the book because they're so outraged.

People take themselves too seriously. It was silly over-blown fic in the first place (and I do intend to abbreviate fic there) and now people apparently want more than a vampire who can control the elements. Quit taking yourself so damn intensely people and enjoy the humor behind a paper cut that can wilt vampires. Sure, it was full of teh drama and teh angst and teh weird names. Sure, it was completely silly. And that's what I took it to always be.

There were great things about the book, like when she switches voices to write from Jacob's perspective and he's wonderfully sarcastic and we get a really excellent picture of him (if nothing else, she's amazing at character development). She has an excerpt of writing on her website written from Edward's perspective. She is very good at writing male characters. She has a really wide vocabulary range as well, providing good examples of interesting verbs and expressive adjectives.

Then, there's the silly love story, the over-protective vampire and the ridiculousness of getting married out of high school. I don't think it sets up a "good" example of getting married that early (get married and you'll grow a mutant baby!) but in the end, Bella's an extremely strong character (granted, we wait four books for it) and she is the one who ends up needing no saving. After being saved, over and over, she is the one doing the saving. I think people are neglecting to see certain things. Sure, mutant baby, vampire throwdown and insane super-powers are completely unrealistic.

The characters are engaging though and even more engaging in the fourth book. We sympathize with them. I think that is the important part--the part that people are missing. But, I seem to be the only one defending the deliciousness (and really, there's no other word for it) that is Breaking Dawn. I'm alright with that though. No, they're not necessarily for my sixth graders. No, there's "better" books out there, but sometimes, we all need a little romp.

A Conflict That's Not a Conflict

2008-08-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

So, CA's grandmother(s) are not doing well. I can't determine which one he is closer to, but his feelings seem to be tied together more with his mother's mother, since he has such an affinity for his mother and she is extremely close to her mother. Either way, he spent last weekend down south to see his mother's mother (to henceforth be abbreviated as MM), and came back feeling really upset. He's been dealing with it all extremely well, but he is going down south again this weekend to see his father's mother (to henceforth be abbreviated as FM). After coming back from seeing MM, he wants me to fly down with him the last weekend in August to meet her. I figure that once that happens with FM, he will want me to fly down there too.

So, where's the conflict?

The problem is that I still haven't met his parents. At least whilst visiting his MM, I am pretty sure his parents will be there. It seems like such an awkward occurrence to meet someone in a hospital room. "Hi, I know your mother is lying on her deathbed, but I'm your son's girlfriend. Check it out." I'm worried about being too quiet, or too boisterous, or too something. I understand fully that after having dated CA for this long, it's really strange to not go to a funeral for a loved one. So, I presume it's better to meet his parents at a hospital than a funeral and the longer I don't meet them the weirder it's going to be.

It would be nice to have the proverbial "in-laws" again. I miss "other" families; I always enjoyed the other of he-who-is-no-longer-named. So, it would be nice to know his family. I did really enjoy meeting his sister, who is now married. I take it for granted that he has become a part of my family so easily and so quickly. I take it for granted that my parents love picking up "wayward" couples; they like being the "family."

So, the conflict is whether I should go. It's not really a conflict even so I guess I shouldn't even call it that. I know what I'm going to do--I'm going to go. There is a part of me that fears that he is worried that his family and I will not get along. His mother is basically me, though, so I can't understand that fear (so perhaps I am projecting.) I guess my conflict comes in whether or not I should be fearful of this encounter. Should I be worried about meeting them? Is this a tacky way to meet them? Or am I showing how much I love and support their son? I hope it's the latter.

Philosophy with a Capital P

2008-08-07T06:02:00.000-07:00

I went to work yesterday. Granted, this is going to happen more and more often, but I went to work yesterday. The conflict with something like my job is so many people are incredibly intelligent people there that sometimes, I feel like discussions don't progress. We end up butting intellectual heads about whether we are teaching our students about Knowledge and one Truth or if it is more important that they are Humane. Or whether or not all three of these things are inter-connected. We debate what being humane means. We discuss the most accurate words for rubric-writing (when in actuality, I will have to make 25 copies of the same rubric for a 12 person class because everyone loses it at least once and only reads it when we go over it in class).

Sometimes, I just want to organize the books in my room and put some stuff up on the walls. Silly, I know, because these discussions on teaching Philosophy make me a better educator. But, sometimes, I really just want to play with the pens...

Bulldogs.

2008-08-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

Moments of success come at the strangest times sometimes (awkward wording, but what do you want?) When I went to Ikea, I was not anticipating that the silly bulldog that I purchased would warrant anything above a goofy smile. However, it's become something more. I like watching him smile, or use William Howard Taft in everyday conversation. I know, goofy, but it's something small that I can't help but enjoy watching.

CA: You have to pretend like this is yours when people come over.
AXR: So you don't like him?
CA: No, that's the problem. He's great. But, you know, I'm fucking five.
AXR: I bought him.
CA: Right. I expect you to take full responsibility for my regression.

Hilarious. And better than having a stupid-ass real drooling bulldog.

Evolution.

2008-08-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking about the time that I spend driving late at night. Last night, I went out for coffee with ANR, as I usually do on late Thursday evenings in the summer when I have nothing better to do but be in the suburbs with my parents. We meet at our favorite diner, a place we've been going for close to 10 years now (which seems absurd to say), and drink coffee until we're both jittery and have gone to the bathroom 45 times. Eventually, it's late and we have (for at least the next 33 hours) solved the problems of the universe.

I was driving home last night along the darkened road, all the lights remaining green since no one would be on any side streets at 130 in the morning, thinking about how peaceful the experience was and wondering how one can be nostalgic for something before it is over. Soon, ANR will move further North, making a drive from her home to the diner almost an hour. As it stands now, we only do our long evenings when I'm in from the city. She already lives with her boyfriend and sooner, rather than later, I'll be engaged and married. Once those things happen, it makes late night coffee harder and harder to come by (I believe.)

I drove home, remembering how much had already changed from the first summers that we would spend there. The diner had always been a popular place, since it's open 24 hours. The entire high school theater troupe would come there after shows, order pancakes and consume carbohydrates, coffee and cigarettes until we were all so jittery we couldn't move. We'd devour our food, talk for a while, and eventually people would begin to split off, to drive their dates home and quietly kiss in the car with the lights off for 20 minutes before the girl wandered inside. (Side note, I have discovered that making out in a car is foreign to city kids. It's mystifying how much of my sexuality was determined by foggy windows.) Nevertheless, ANR and my friendship deepened in that diner. We started to learn about each other, we started listening and we got over a fear that either one of us would ever run out of things to say.

I know that those conversations still happen. Just a few weeks ago, I sat in SR's apartment, vaguely wishing I would just pony up and sleep on the couch, talking to her until midnight. I kept saying I was leaving, but we'd continue. We talked for a long time about the nature of men and women's relationships, about sacrificing and about giving, which much of the time can be two different things. I have these conversation with KB often lately.

I know I am not in danger of losing my relationship with ANR. That's not at all what I mean; I just mean I wonder how much longer I will struggle into those parallel parking spaces which are too small. I wonder how much longer those lights will mean something as strong as they do now. I wonder how peaceful I will continue to feel on that brief drive home, knowing that there's some parent wanting me to be there.

When I finally stopped talking to my mom last night, I went upstairs and pulled a raggedy afghan over myself (remember the generic afghan from the Rosanne show? I never used to watch that show, but I remember the blanket. It looks like that. I got it from my grandma. Knowing her, it came from the home shopping network) and wondered how much longer I'd be doing that. How much longer would I be staying the night here, alone? Not much longer.

It's mainly because I've been having trouble being alone. I know that living alone was a pretty decent option for me, but, I have been spending so much time with him that I've not gotten used to being alone. I think once I have work and need my alone time (screaming children and long days), it'll all make much more sense. But for now, I don't like being alone.

I know, though, that the days for things like this are numbered. I'm reading a series of kiddie vampire books right now (quit laughing; I'll be there at midnight tonight to pick up the fourth one) and the main female character (a bit winy, a bit klutzy, but completely the definition of my seventeen year old self) wants to become one of the immortal. Her vampire boyfriend is skeptical of the situation and keeps telling her about all the things she might miss. He tells her that once she has become one of the immortal, she cannot go back. (And this is much to the tune of kissing and "I'll love you forever..." which I scoffed at and then remembered how my seventeen year old high school sweetheart signed his letters, "Always and Forever" or "A&F" [which looks strangely like the logo for Abercrombie and Fitch, although neither of us thought of that] and decided it wasn't quite so corny) In the same way, although I am not a vampire (not for perhaps the want of wanting to be...), I am thinking of the things that will change when my relationship escalates.

Bella, the main character, feels nostalgic for certain things, even if they're uncomfortable: like blushing or her heart quickening. I will get nostalgic for certain things too: like spending the weekend at my parents, even if it's not the most enjoyable thing all of the time. Things will change; I will not be making those midnight drives, I will be spending considerable more time asking someone to not use the couch as a clothing hamper. But, just as I am pretty sure that Bella's going to end up a vampire, because for her, blushing isn't nearly as great as an eternity with Edward (okay, I'm making these books sound henious. Which they probably are. But, shhh, I don't care.), I'm sure that the next phase of my life is going to be just as great.

Things will just have to evolve with me. I just can't believe it's changing.

I met with LSB, my old history teacher, and also with a long time friend from grade school this week, PF. It was wonderful to spend time with these people and realize that things do evolve. LSB knew me at my worst, when I was hiding under her desk sobbing unstably for most of the day over the rejection I nearly never got over (and perhaps still haven't, foolishly.) And now, she is excited to hear about my job, my relationship, my life. She had faith that things would evolve. And they do. I sat across from PF, whose heading off to a PhD program, thinking about the Halloween when I was a sexy spider queen and she was Rapunzel. We were so young, and now, we're doing so many other things. But, we've evolved together. I was nostalgic then for riding my bike with her. Now, it was delicious lunches at Tweet. We grow.

I just wonder what will replace the diner? And the coffee? Maybe, just maybe, it'll look the same, only better.

Tupperware Mishap...

2008-07-31T13:20:00.000-07:00

Add it to lessons learned the hard way: just because pyrex COMES with lids does not mean those lids are oven-safe. Before placing anything in the oven, read to see if said container IS oven-safe. Otherwise, this happens:
Yes, let's just quietly establish that I'm not good at things and move on.

Upon consideration

2008-07-29T09:03:00.001-07:00

I think I have a more realistic list.

1. A separate dining room. I've come to the conclusion that this combo idea is not for me. It annoys me and there's never enough room for a real table.

2. Den. Still necessary because of things like rockband equipment.

3. Shelving, built-in. It wont fill all the books but it'll be something, I think.

4. A nice view. This looking out at brick building shit is not for me.

5. No deck through the bedroom. It's annoying and I don't want to have to make my bed every time C and I have people over. I mean, granted, I'll probably do it anyway. But, still.

6. A big master bedroom. This 10x10 junk is also not working. There's no enough room for a big bed. I have decided this is a big no-compromise situation.

7. Deck. Need deck. Grill out <3.

8. Large closet space with SEPARATE storage. Where would the christmas stuff go?

9. Good refridgerator. I might not care about the rest of it, but the un-moveable shelves in C's refridgerator are starting to get to me.

10. Fireplace. I think it adds character. (+ the rest of my ridiculous list.)

But, I'm getting a better sense of things. I'm also understanding the economy and how frightening it is now.

ugh.

2008-07-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

i.
The archepelgo of your freckled face
keeps my fingers entertained
as they skip from land to land.

I know you feel tiny, and cramped
in this life and space. If I could open you up,
give you more land, I would do it.

Like a rock garden, your toes dig into me
when you roll over, grunting in the night.
I think of you, with defined black edges.
In this fear, this chasm inside of you,
I would fill it with soldiers for protection.

I am only one, clay and stationery,
not ever enough.

ii.
Their voices will change, growing deeper
or more lithe. They will pet me, tell me
that my hair is long. And my ankles thin.
They will shudder forward rapidly, shocking me
at how development continues. They notice

when I wear the same scarf, or the same lipstick,
two days simultaneously. But they cannot know
in the harsh mirror morning, the lines I see
forming across my face. I have too many horizons

and they cannot see, because there are still ways
to hide and to fluff. I layer myself and for now
that is all that they need.

iii.
He cannot hear that we all grow. Painfully,
I can hear his bones changing. They grind
like teeth against each other.

Houses.

2008-07-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

So we've begun looking at houses. Actually if it were four months from now, we've found a house that is perfect and dreamy and we're going to pine after it on Sunday. (Yes, "pining" is actually the correct word.) My dad, as he enters into his foray into real estate, suggested that CA and I begin to make lists of what we're looking for in a home. My list has proved utterly fruitless because I am doing it classic AXR-style. Stupidly.

I want a fireplace. Not for practical heating reasons but because I want languid afternoons drinking coffee and reading in front of it. (Not to harp on the white people list but I was going to say doing the NYT crossword. However, that's definitely on the list.)
I want places for books. So many of the spots we've looked at have NO places for books. I have an absurd amount of books and so does CA. Absurd. And it's not like we're going to stop procuring books any time soon.
A back deck is important so that we can cook hamburgers, and be outside. It's especially important that this deck be accessible without having to go through a bedroom (as was the case in one of the places we looked at).
I would like a large, walk-in closet. I know that sounds like it is verging on practical, but let's look at the reason why. I want it for shoes. And because CA has 10,000 FSU t-shirts that he's never going to get rid of so I might as well accept it and move on from there.
I would like room for a big table in the kitchen or eating area. Why? Not because I cook. But because I like the idea of dinner parties. Again, absurd.
I'd also like a separate den from living room. Once again, why? Because with CA's video game paraphenalia (please note the size and cumbersome-ness of the rockband equipment ALONE), I don't want it in my living room. I'm not judging the equipment by a long shot, I rock out to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's with the best of them. I'm just saying, there should be a place for things.
Crown molding. Because it's dead sexy.

Please note that NOWHERE on this list do you see anything about appliances, floorplans or anything else resembling normal. CA has a similar list, although slightly more practical.

Most of the time, however, I feel like the real estate agent knows that I have no business being there. It's silly and a stupid thing to think, but most of the time, I'm worried that she knows. She knows that my list involves rockband and shoes. She knows that I'm scared that we'll pick the wrong place and it's not like an apartment. This is kinda permanent. She knows that I shouldn't be there. Even though I think I should.

Livin Is (too) Easy

2008-07-24T13:55:00.001-07:00

Since I have been home, I have done very few things. This is the problem with a vacation. I do some work, mainly on the curriculum that I'm designing, but other than that, I do a big wad of nothing all day. It has gotten difficult to rouse myself in the morning unless there are some kind of definite plans for the day. The only motivation when I'm at CA's is to leave and get something done before he returns HOME from work. If I'm at my place, I'll be lucky to go get a cup of coffee from the pot that turns on AUTOMATICALLY. I know, pathetic.

But, there have definitely been some highlights. First of all, let me ode my coffee pot which grinds and brews and has a thermal pot so that I don't have to worry about my coffee getting burned. It is delicious and mainly, when I wake up in the morning, I have something that gets me jazzed up about my day.

Secondly, I have been reading some really excellent books. I whirl-windedly finished a book called "The Writing Class" which was a great murder mystery and spoke about everything that one really does encounter in a writing class, even though this one was an extension class and not a college one. Either way, it fit perfectly. I also have been reading a piece called "The City of Dreaming Books" whose category I cannot yet name. Either way, it's amazing. It's about a dinosaur and a quest and a city made of books and a scary man made of books and catacombs and...well, it's got illustrations but it's for adults. It's really quite good.

Thirdly, I went to see the Coldplay concert on Tuesday night with CA. Initially, I was skeptical as Coldplay is listed as one of the things that "white people like" (which would also be a book that I recently read--the online list does not include Coldplay, cheese or spirituality, all three of which made me crack up and cringe simultaneously) and I was a late-comer to the Coldplay fandom. However, the concert was honestly one of the best shows that I've seen in years. I'm still unclear how the band was able to make the United Center feel like a small auditorium or why I am so easily seduced with good music and shiny lights (come on, they had lazers! but not corny ones, good ones...if that can be explained?). Either way, it was a great show and as the website predicts, we were one of many white people there. All dressed alike. I hate when I fall into my own stereotype.

Fourthly, The Dark Knight and all it's goddamn glory. Oh my god it was amazing. It took me almost a full day to process just how much I loved the movie. I walked out of there feeling totally comfortable with having spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon watching it. Moreover, I didn't feel like I knew the actors, at all. I felt like I knew the characters. No one was playing a part; they were a part. The build-up of Ledger was fine--because he was incredible. The gadgets were sweet (and speaking of gadgets, there was the absolutely awesome-looking preview for the next James Bond movie; I'm still unclear what "Quantum of Solace" means, but I'm okay with it for now) and everything felt real and believable. And crazy. (Ie who the hell puts a cell phone inside of a person?)

Fifthly (maybe I should have done this bullet-point style) and continuing on the things that I love that that stupid list tells me people love too was Juno. I watched it with KB the other day and cried, laughed and of course, was obsessed with the soundtrack and bought it on vinyl. The movie was really well done though, and made me pine for the days of fall.

Sixthly, things I have paid for or paid too much for and am completely content with the fact that I did:

The books mentioned above (Writing Class, Dreaming Books) were both full-price hard-covers. But completely worth it.
Gone out to lunch 10,000 times with KB.
I got a lovely manicure and pedicure at nailbar and although I am SURE I paid way too much for it, it's been almost a week and neither has worn off, despite doing a grossly-couple-y thing and working out together with Craig several times this week.
Vinyl records including an original of Bob Dylan's "Time's They Are a Changin'" and the soundtrack to Juno.
Ticket to Atlanta for the FSU/GT game. I know, I know. But, it's the weekend of CA's birthday and this is what he wants to do. I am hoping I'll get to see SMB when I'm down there, and also importantly, I'll be meeting his friends. It's been almost two years and I've not really met any of his friends from "home."
Gambling at the bluechip in Indiana. Trashtastic.

Seventhly, and finally, I watched the Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog which was incredible. Buy it on iTunes and watch it 10,000 times. It's hilarious. As S said, they were not prepared for their success, but it's hilarious nonetheless. Think Will Ferrell's The Landlord, but on a funnier, more massive scale. Just superb. The other superb thing about that night was hanging out with S. As always, she is incredible. And has a new blog. Which is awesome.

Okay, finally, for real, as much as I sometimes (okay, pretty much every much every month that he bills over 150 hours and is there all the time) rag on CA's job, lately it has been awesome--mainly because they're courting the summers. So there's been a swank-dinner (which involved lots of red wine and me talking to people who sit on the board at St. Ignatious--the private school I'd love to teach in if I ever left Jewish education/middle school), a cubs game (which is tomorrow!) and circ di solei (I know, I can't spell) and much more. Sometimes, there are benefits to the job. (Note, picture is not from this evening but from another evening of awesome).

Bascially, I'm trying to use up the summer. Hopefully, I'll continue to do it successfully.

Vancouver Remembered

2008-07-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

Vancouver was amazing. Exotic, no. But, peaceful, and a life-goal: most definitely.

KB and I spent most of our time wandering about. We first went to a place called Gusto for dinner and took the SeaBus, which is a wonderful way to get from North Vancouver to the other side of Vancouver without a problem.

The next day, we spent the morning walking around Grandville and Broadway streets, where there are plenty of little boutiques and tons of nice people to interact with (whose ever heard of a 17 year old store clerk offering to bring me other sizes and not being condescending about it?!) We came back and dressed for the evening which was an introduction to the conference. The man, Dr. Eagan, talked about getting students to know things in-depth. He spoke about what were the advantages of thinking about something not only breadth wise (so knowing a lot of things) but rather being possessors of knowledge in a very personal way. After that, we wandered over to the Elephant and Castle where we ate copiously.

The next morning was spent conferencing, but being rather bored by it. So many times, people talk and you just want to roll your eyes. KB and I spent the rest of the day wandering again, discovering beautiful parks and buying future Olympics nick-nacks. Come on, look how cute they are! We prepped for our session the next day.

We spent the 9th presenting and listening to other people present. The most interesting people were a man who designed a game to teach art history and a woman who talked about her curriculum on teaching "normalcy" and "difference" and "disability" through HP book 7. They were interesting, KB and I squeaked through and I was giddy about the arrival of CA. he arrived that night and we went to our hotel, which was a lovely little "apartment-style" (ie had a kitchenette) place. I loved it.

The next morning we attempted vainly to rent a car, couldn't do it and so spent the day visiting landmarks and exploring. We went to the Art Museum which had an exhibit on Linda Barry and other artpieces/cartoons/comics. CA went crazy about it because Civilizations (the Sid Meyer's creation) was featured, but it talked about the evolution of games and what they spoke to. Mainly, I was obsessed with Linda. She creates some absolutely amazing things, things that will be great for teaching and more. We also went to the aquarium which was incredibly nicely maintained. The had sea otters. CA freaked out. We had a quiet dinner in Gastown that night and discovered some amazing artwork (I love totem poles. Sue me).

The next day, we went to Granville Island in the morning which is this lovely little public market. Then we spent the rest of the day on Grouse Mountain, on the Capislano Suspension Bridge and exploring nature. For me, a person who has always loathed the outdoors, it was beautiful and a welcome change. We came back and met AB and a friend of hers who were in town for only the afternoon for a drink at Whinston Chill. It had a great atmosphere and they served my favorite vodka there. We wandered across the street for a slice of pizza, hungrily, at like 3 in the morning.

The following day we basically wandered. We shopped, hung out, ate a delicious dinner at a super-fancy Italian place and enjoyed Vancouver.

The following day, we went to Victoria. We saw the amazing Butchart Gardens and went to the city of Victoria which was elegant and delicate. The history museum there was very well done, featuring a lot of interactive exhibits. By the time we got back, there was just a little time for eating and then we grudgingly got up the next morning to leave.

Overall, Vancouver was incredibly clean, but moreover, the first place to which I've ever vacationed that said, "It's going to be great when you live here." I could have pictured myself living there, which I could not have done anywhere else we went. I came back from there feeling refreshed for once. For pictures, see here. Or better yet, check it out yourself. (:

First from Vancouver

2008-07-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

KB and I are here in exotic Vancouver (sense the sarcasm) where it is beautiful, clean, and the conference presenters are boring! We're presenting in about an hour and although we were initially very nervous about it, the presentations we went to this afternoon thus far had promised to be really engaging. However, people literally read off of their papers. Even though there were beautiful ideas (which I will discuss soon in a longer-with-pictures entry), they got lost in a person being furrowed into their paper. KB and I have no paper to rely on, so we're talking about using humanities integration to create genuine connections and meaningful experiences. It'll be interesting. Then we're going to Stanley Park.

We've walked around the town, appreciated the mountains, and checked out the scenery. Last night, we wandered around most of the evening. Although there are Starbucks cafes on nearly every corner (sometimes on opposite ends of the street, I kid you not), there's something small-town and quaint about the place. CA arrives later tonight and we'll spend the rest of the week going to the aquarium (they have beluga whales!) and taking an airplane/land-in-the-water ride, and going on this amazing suspension bridge and maybe kayaking. It should be interesting.

Right now, we're off for more presenting!

Small Comfort

2008-07-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

i.
The crinkling hands, veins as sinuey
as the tubes attached to arms—
these remain real. I cannot hear the voice,
anymore, but remember the way
sidewalk-cracking lips turned upward
when she whispered Tony. Do not tell me

I do not understand because memory
tastes of lemons and sweat. I remember
the gun taped to the inside drawer
of the nightstand and how those hands

couldn't have clasped the trigger.
She would have wrapped me in the veil
of her old self. Instead, she wished
that my own lips would someday
whisper your name.

ii.
As time progresses, people do not
grow healthier. Eventually, what we know
deteriorates. This is not

the right sentiment for a broken man
tasting dumplings and grease. If I could,

I would have said do not make a ghost
out of the still breathing. They are shrouds soon enough.

why can't every day be a firworks day?

2008-07-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

CA and AXR at graduation party

I officially love/hate living alone. There's no remorse about it; in most ways, it's great because I feel productive. However, there's also no one monitoring what I am doing all day. So I can get up, putz around, and not be responsible for anything. This morning, I was initially supposed to meet KB at 10 am to do work. Because I couldn't roll myself out of bed until 930, we said we'd meet at 11. After sitting on the phone with the internet company to set up my service for 25 minutes (it's hilarious when they say to me "If you are tired of being on hold, go on-line to set up your service. Hey, geniuses, I NEED internet. I CANNOT go online), I hung up and took care of other things. But looked and saw it was almost 11 and I still hadn't showered. It took my ass until almost 1220 to get to lunch and begin talking.

Now, it's almost 6, and KB and I have established nothing for what we're going to do in Vancouver. Nervous! We'll get it together, I am sure we will. Right now, we're at TheFixx on Sheffield, which is a great coffee shot because of its free internet and delicious hummus. The no air conditioning is a bit of a negatory on the place. There's fish though, and board games. None of which I should be playing right now.

Either way, I also went to work (albeit briefly) today to pick up things for this "Understanding By Design" idea that my boss is into. It begins with fundamental questions (which works well for my entire gifted curriculum that revolves around asking questions) and figuring out how you want to assess students and working backwards from there. I don't know how I'm going to assess my kids yet though; I guess it could be in the form of a final project. I don't think the point of an enrichment class is to test them. It's for them to know themselves better. So... that's more things I need to figure out. Maybe I'll work on it during the plane ride to Vancouver. Supposedly.

I spent the weekend hanging out with C and buying my first pair of "big kid" jeans, courtesy of the gift certificates that my kids gave to me. I bought a pair of Paige jeans which were costly, but really nice looking. On Sunday, CA and I went shopping (well, he went shopping, I watched) and went to see the new Indiana Jones movie. Indy looks a bit old, and it really, really asks me to suspend my disbelief for quite some time. But, I loved it nonetheless. We also had dinner with/watched the CubsSox matchup with S and PW. It was quite the good, nacho-filled time.

I also cannot believe I forgot to mention that TM and her fiance DK came to visit me (and others) about a week ago. It was amazing to see her; and we had the best/worst incident ever at dinner one night. TM got a massive migrane, and could barely eat dinner. She kept thinking it would pass so DK and I drank and ate. With dinner almost ending, she stood up quickly and made to rush for the bathroom. In a split-second decision, she knew she couldn't make it and went to relieve her churning stomach off away (we were eating outside) of the patio. She ALMOST made it, hitting DK in the process. It's okay to have to get ill on your dude if he's a doctor-in-training, so he immediately checked on her. It was clear she hadn't been drinking, but was just not feeling well. The two take off for the bathroom and the girl next to me at the next table (who does not see me) says to her friend, "Oh my god. I have to blog about this. Word to the wise, vomiting is gross." I, rather loudly, respond, "Oh don't be a cunt." The woman did not know what to do.

Walking back to the car, we discussed that the incident, although initially mortifying, was rather funny in retrospect. It also made them feel better that my expensive french dinner while on vacation had not sat well and CA too had been the brunt of my illness. Unluckily for him, he is NOT a doctor-in-training and so was not so collected about the incident. He was still supportive but could not as DK said insist that his girlfriend was the prettiest person to ever throw up on him.

Aside from that incident (which I promised I would blog about, if nothing else, to come up in a google search when cunty-girl searches for "vomiting instances in Chicago" [footnote, I could not find her blog, despite searching]), we had a wonderful time. They met CA and I for drinks at Ping Pong (a delicious Asian fusion restaurant) and we had brunch at Clarkes. I cannot wait for her to come back when I can escort her through nerdschool (ie the U of C).

[Picture withheld to protect the innocent who did do, in fact, know that vomiting is gross]

Alright, time to start working... all I want to do though is have it be the 4th. And set off fireworks. Like I did last weekend...CA and AXR set off fireworks at cousin's graduation party

First thoughts on living alone.

2008-06-25T20:43:00.001-07:00

People have finally been to my new apartment; it's lovely having people here. Even though it's tiny, it feels fine to entertain here.

Tonight is my first night here alone; my car is safely parked so I don't have to move it for a while and it feels very nice to lie on my couch and watch people in the apartments across from me. I definitely like it here; it's growing on me greatly.

Initially I didn't think I was ready to be living alone. I didn't think I was mature enough or self-sufficient enough to handle it. Granted, I have not been here very long and there's a list 10 miles long of things that I want to do (canceling old internet, paying new internet etc.) and those things haven't really gotten done. But they will. It's reassuring to know that I have comfort. It's reassuring to know where all of my things are at once. I do really actually like it.

Perhaps I might not like it later. But for right now, I like controlling when people are here and when they're not.

Week in St. Martin

2008-06-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

t day
I guess I should reflect on the trip but as it gets further into the distance it just is a hazy blur of delicious wine, sand and sleeping until the sun wakes me up.

It was one of those things where every moment in time, I was remembering how incredibly lucky I was to be doing what I was doing.

We began the night we got there with dinner at Spiga. It was delicious but we got ridiculously lost on the way there in our little tin can of a car appropriately named the Charade. However, it got us up the hills, which was really all that mattered.

The second day, we had the Champagne Brunch at the hotel where they continued to refill our glasses to the point of explosion. Then we lazed on the hotel beach and eventually muscled up the intestinal fortitude to eat at Rare, where I had the best Tuna Steak known to man. We then gambled at a completely shady casino and went home.

The third day, we ate breakfast at Mr. Busby's Beach Bar (henceforth to be known as MBBB) and headed out to go ziplining. It was closed so we drove around to various beaches (see picture above) and lazed around. We kissed in the ocean which is apparently something that all people who grow up near oceans do. I was unaware.

We went out to dinner at Big Fish, a place that was our favorite and with which we were in love. The food was delicious (CA had a steak with whiskey sauce and I had...lobsters!!!!) and we were so close to the hotel that you could just enjoy yourself and not worry about anything.

The next day we decided to stay longer. We went ziplining, and I got my wish to watch the most incredible sunset in the history of the universe. All I had wanted to do since coming was watch it sink and we sat at this bar, drank a glass of wine and just watched. Afterwards, we ate the most expensive dinner in the world, which I promptly got sick over. But, the sunset made everything completely worth it.

The next day we took a ferry boat to the Isle of Pinel where we sunbathed, ate a very expensive cheeseburger (everything there was in euros) and recovered. That night we at the Pirates Buffet at the hotel, saw some sweet fire dancer action and went to bed early.

The following day was sailing! CA had been excited about this for weeks leading up to the trip and thankfully, the experience did not dissapoint. I had an amazing time doing it and the entire time I listened to him lament the fact that we did not, in fact, own a boat. We went to this adorable little place for drinks and walked around the city of Maho for a bit. Then, we returned to Big Fish because it seemed like a delicious idea.

The neeeeeext day, we went shopping and parasailing (which I was in love with ) and rode around on a speed boat. No one has ever really owned boats around me so I didn't know how amazing it was. We both really enjoyed being on the boat. That night, we ventured to Sopranos (yes, named after the HBO show) where we ate and went to the piano bar. That night, we were both very, very mopey because we knew the next day was our leaving day.

The next morning, we got up ridiculously early to go horseback riding in the water! We had an hour and a half ride which was really fun but the kicker was the riding in the water. It's nothing I'd ever done before. And in the end, I really enjoyed it.

We returned. ):

I guess the thing is, it's amazing to me that 1. I got to do all that incredible stuff in one trip and 2. I enjoyed it. Moreover, I loved it. I think I am actually being the person that I want to be instead of repressing who I might be.

Back.

2008-06-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Whirlwind will not stop.

That's all fine, really, but still, no stopping.

The last week of school was literally the most ridiculous, over-packed, confusing several days of my life in which my students were sad, I couldn't really tell them things to make them more excited about 6th grade, I got presents and was told I'd be shifting classrooms. At the end of it all on Friday, we had a nice lunch with all my favorite co-workers and KB, LM and I went to the Indigo Girls concert. The music was great, the crowd was interesting (you could pick out the seven men who got dragged there by girlfriends/wives) and it was a nice way to send LM off for the summer.

The next morning, at 5 am, CA and I left for St. Martin/St. Maarten (what kind of an identity would you have as an island if on half of it we spelled you one way and on half another? LAME) . I won't write about the week yet, not until there's pictures, but suffice it to say we ended up staying an extra day because the trip was just that amazing (and I messed up my moving, you can't move in to my new building on Sundays, SO I can't move until tomorrow anyway...). One of the strangest and most amazing things is how quickly you fall into life with a person. I understand we're looking to fall into life permanently together, but I cannot express the amount of time spent doing simple tasks that you'd not be comfortable doing with anyone else around.

The place was beautiful, the week was sweet, quiet and romantic and above all else, I think it helped the both of us unwind, stop worrying and think about the next months ahead. I cannot say enough about the beauty of the island or sensation of some of the cooler things that we did (sailing, horseback riding in the water...) or the best part being that we did them together. I looked over at him a few times while driving the winding roads (and believe me, they are both steep and winding) and felt like this was right.

Right now, I can't even find the will to be stressed about how moving is going to go tomorrow, how strange it's going to be for my ridiculous parents and I to be moving while CA is there today (just building a bookshelf thing...) and how strange it is going to be to live somewhere wit a reception desk. All well and good, of course, but, we'll see.

I don't think I completely adjusted, either, to the idea of not being in Wicker Park either. For the same reason that it is easy to fall into roles with someone else, I think it's human nature to seek out routine in the day-to-day. It will, undoubtedly, be strange to adjust to somewhere new...

Drawing closer.

2008-05-29T19:47:00.001-07:00

We went to Indianapolis this past weekend; now writing this, I can't believe it's already been a week. The days are moving so quickly and by the time I get home, I cannot motivate myself to do anything, pack anything, sort anything. I need to develop a plan.

Needless to say, I've never been to someone's "home" before. They had a real home, with a basement and a breakfast nook and a yard (with a real white picket fence). We had a little guest room, and a bed and a night stand and people asked us if they could "get us" anything. It's a reinforcement of an "us" and also of a "future."

On Friday night, we went for dinner once CA and I finally arrived. (He had had to make a stop at Chick Filet [I'm aware that there's a stranger, marketed way to spell it, but I am too lazy to search for it] whilst on the road and we left a little later than we had previously anticipated). It gave me a strange feeling, a married couple showing me around their little town (not that Indy is a "little town..." far from it, actually). CA and I were exhausted, but laid in bed for quite some time talking about houses, and the creaking that this place made. He could not quite comprehend the fact that indeed his friends were pregnant.

On Saturday, we got roasted at the parade after going to this cozy place called Taste for breakfast. I was only able to consume a HALF of their locks/bagel (which was incredible), but, the food was delicious and the place was mobbed. We headed to the Indy500 parade after that. JH's company sponsor's the parade, so we were able to get "VIP" seating (ie we were near the announcers...the Indy500 really represents the midwest at its best...down home seating).

Afterwards, we went back to JH/AH's house for a bbq with their friends. I've been to my fair share of BBQs; they are a midwestern staple of existence. There's got to be a football, and some bacce ball, and someone has to bring their dog (in this case, it was a massive bulldog named Lucile). In this case, there was corn, and steaks and completely fatty/to-die-for dips. It is fascinating how gender lines divide so quickly at a bbq. The men always cluster around the grill and women end up putting unnecessary plastic wrap around tupperware containers in the kitchen. I found myself getting CA a beer and noticed other women doing the same. It was without a doubt bizarre.

That night, we had an important talk which was spurred on by his "declaration" of love.

When we talked about houses, I said to him, "You know, I never thought about myself as someone's wife." In his slightly-tipsy state, he got shocked and thought I meant that I had no intention of being his wife. But, I explained, "In high school, people pegged me for the one to get married first. But, I never saw myself as that. Self-delusional or self-aware, I'm not entirely sure which label to apply. Even in all the time of dating (that other guy), I wasn't really sure I wanted to be his wife. I talked a good game, but when it came down to it, it was difficult to picture folding someone else's laundry when they wouldn't let you touch them. So, once I realized that this was what I wanted with you, I've been finding myself saying the word 'wife,' quietly, at moments when I see other couples being happy. I'm trying it out. And I like it."

So we talked about partnership and how that doesn't even mean financial. We talked about what it meant in relation to his needing to get his wrist operated on and what it meant if I was going back to school in three or four years. We talked about the ramifications of different religions and what it would mean to raise children together. We talked about so much of it, making sure it all worked, or at least could be worked on. Eventually, we fell stickily asleep, and happily too.

The next morning was race day!

JH had made an adorable "get pumped" mix for the car ride over, including Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody," something by AC/DC and Kansas' "Carry on my Wayward Son." The race itself was loud and filled with fried food and sunburn. All in all a delicious day.

We awoke early, bid farewell to JH and headed back home, this time with me driving. We stopped at that chicken place yet again (I am vaguely convinced that he loves it more than he loves me) and also at a place called Fair Oaks Farms where I procured some cheese curds and some cheese for my dad.

We arrived back in Chicago and I decided, definitively, that it was the kick-off of a wonderful summer.

I'm stressed and flustered now, wondering how things are going to get done before the end of the school year. I need to write letters to my eighth graders to tell them how special they are.

I had my last class with them today, which was much more difficult than I anticipated it to be. Kids brought in ice cream and told me, "Don't worry, you're getting the best present in the world from me next week." I gave them reflection sheets, and as they were writing I walked around and glanced at them.

From one child who was my nemisis at the beginning of the year, who now I might miss most of all when asked what was hardest from them and why: Class participation was the hardest because sometimes the books were too hard and I just didn't know what was going on. This made me understand his behavior so much more than I had previously. It made complete sense; I had guessed that the book had initially been overwhelming, but seeing it in writing confirmed it.

From one child who had a problem handing work in, who I was always on about it when asked what they would change about the class: Well, it's not really about you. I would hand my damn work in more. I really loved your class; it was the best at the school. I should have tried more. I loved this girl. She played the lead in the musical, was always a little gawky, and despite her ninja-like stealthiness, I really loved her. When I read this, I almost started crying.

But, when I got this from one child who I had a decent reparte with all year, I lost it: I liked being in your class. I felt connected to people and the discussions. I wanted even more of them. Even when the books made no sense, I liked talking about them and being here. I felt smart here and you helped me write well. I work better now and am more respectful. You were the best. I told them that they had made my first year as a teacher incredible; I know next week at graduation, I'm going to be a big mess.

Overall, it's been a pretty emotional week; I am even getting sentimental about my little nuggets. I cannot stand how adorable, precocious, and altogether stunningly beautiful they are. I have a video of them singing and dancing like crazy people and I find myself snapping pictures of them at all times. I've come to adore them, and I think they'll break my heart when I watch them leave.

Today, one of the math teachers began to tell their class, "You know, we think about you for years and years after you leave us. And you'll forget us so soon." "No we won't!" the class chimes. And in some cases, it's true. I remember all of my teachers. But, perhaps they were just good ones.

I've been feeling, lately, like I didn't do enough. But, as the end draws closer, I keep hoping that I did.

Forgetfulness.

2008-05-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Indianapolis for the weekend with CA and his friends. I'm a little nervous but it should be a good time.

I was searching for a picture on my hard drive and flipped through all my pictures from the start of Boston to now and could not believe myself, recalling the memories and realizing, bit by bit, how different I am from the person who packed her bags and headed to Boston in September of '06. That time seems so close to right now and I'm realizing that it's not so close at all. An entire new class of AIE students will graduate in a few short weeks and here I am remembering.

I can't believe the me that I am sometimes. For better and worse, this me is so drastically different from the high school ME or even the college ME that sometimes I forget that people only know the old me. I can't wait to see where it all goes.

Sometimes I forget things like that day when we went apple picking and everything was perfect. Sometimes I forget that I was fortunate enough to go to Argentina. Sometimes, I forget that there is so much in the world.

Finalized!

2008-05-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

Vancouver is all set! The school is paying for almost everything and when the conference is done, CA and I are going to spend some time up there together! I'm really stoked. This summer is shaping up to be amazing.

May 24-26: Indiana for the Indianapolis 500 with CA and his friends
June 7-13: St. Maarten
June 15: moving to LSD
July 6-14: Vancouver

Yay!

Vancouver 2008

2008-05-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

Yay!

Congratulations! We are delighted to inform you that your submission "Integration Fostering Imagination" has been accepted for presentation at Summer Institute on Imaginative Education which is being held July 7th through 9th, 2008 at the Delta Vancouver Airport Hotel in Richmond, BC.

I'm pretty excited! The school should fund a lot of the trip so it really should just be getting there. I've never lead a round-table discussion before and KB and I are really excited to get to do it together. Sometime this week she and I need to put together a package to explain what kind of funding we're going to need.

This summer is shaping up to be AWESOME!

House?

2008-05-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

I used to think that I might be making it all up in my head. I think, even as a child, I had a cognizant fear that I was not enough. A lot of only children end up with this fear, and I let it run deeply through me. I was so worried that no one would want me.

This fear only got worse in high school. I was dumped by everyone I dated because even when I knew I was holding on too long, I kept holding. I was terrified that if I let this one go, there wouldn't be another one. There always was (and I don't mean that conceitedly, I just meant that I don't learn to think logically) and I held on to them too long too.

College was the worst example of clinging. Simply said.

So, in this situation, I feared the worst (as I am wont to do). My mother (and assumably, if we call it honestly, most other people) figured I'd jumped ship with CA to ease the discomfort of being out of a five year relationship. I worried that dating someone I, at the time, barely knew long-distance was not the wisest of decisions. I feared, too, everything I couldn't see.

Then I moved home, and he finished the bar and we started spending that Honeymoonish time together. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I assumed that eventually he'd tell me he was too busy with work. Or that he couldn't be around. Or that I was more of a nusiance than a help. All the time, I found my life better and better for him being in it.

Around my birthday, I got the first inkling that I wanted to burst outward with, "I am in love with you." I held off, because I was not going to be foolish about it. Around Christmas, when he went home and was so incredibly worried about the gift he was giving to me, I found myself thinking of him constantly. I couldn't stop. So I wrote him an email simply saying that I couldn't wait for the new year to begin because I knew it'd be a year that I spent with him.

We began to say it, tentatively, around Valentine's Day. We came back from Tahoe crazy about each other. It was, by far, the most romantic weekend of my life. But as the month of February progressed, I realized that it had nothing to do with skiing and massages and gin-sticky kisses. It had everything to do with him.

But still, I kept waiting for something to backfire. Just in case.

It hasn't. And every time I try to explain what I can picture in the expanse of the one moment that you whispered, "Let's have a house," I feel like a fool. I'm completely cognizant that there are going to be arguments and at some point one of us will yell angrily. But, in that moment, I could, without fear, imagine you and your arms and never sleeping alone again. I imagine quiet nights and not wondering and feeling safe. It all begun the night you told me I would never have to be alone again.

And when I told you, last night, that I would never leave you, you believed me.

This is really going to happen. And I couldn't be happier. I just want to hear it over and over again, "I am in love with you." It's like you're touching me, even from far away. I want to be your road, that goes and goes.

Camp Timberlee 2008

2008-05-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday-Friday, I went to Camp Timberlee in Wisconsin with the fifth graders. I was not looking forward to the experience in the slightest. I have never been a big fan of nature, nor did I think I was going to do well sardine-style in a room with four other teachers, sharing a bathroom with them AND five eleven year olds for three days. The students also knew I called this the "stupid nature trip" since the beginning of the year.

However, it was awesome and made me completely energized to continue working with these kids next year too. I got to be partners with MD which was great because we had such an energized time with the kids. We started out with our first activity being rock climbing which I was completely not planning on doing. However, when the kids wanted MD and I to do it, we thought about it and I, kind of shakily, made it to the top of the wall. Whenever I tried something new, the kids were jazzed up and wanted to try it too. It made me realize that perhaps children aren't nearly as time-consuming as I previously realized. Either way, both MD and I made it to the top of the wall and almost all the kids did too. (Except they were spider monkeys).

We did a lot of other completely rockin' stuff too, including building fires and touching snakes. I was really prepared to NOT do that activity, but after watching my kid, Motorcycle (which is his nickname), literally cuddle a snake, I realized that I could do it too. Initially, I touched the python, but after warming up a little bit, I let the moderator put it around my neck. I look a little bit skeptical in the picture, but it was just because the snake felt so odd on my skin, it just....you can feel it moving which feels far stranger than I can describe. However, it was totally awesome and if I felt accomplished afterwards. I cannot imagine how the students felt.

The entire experience brings out this other side of my kids, watching them hike, or take leadership roles or be generally excited about what they're doing. I watched certain kids conquer fears of spending a night away from home and others just be excited because they touched a chinchila. Whatever it was, they were thrilled to get to do it together and to get to do it with their teachers.

One of the neatest things we did was have a campfire. I led a bunch of "camp" songs (ie songs from the video game Guitar Hero) and cooked s'mores (Kosher Style) for the kiddos. I'm always surprised when I listen to them, or when I tried to just sit down for a moment and they're crowding me because they simply want to be near me. I find myself in the classroom snapping a bit at them for always being up in my business (so to speak) but out there, I realized just how excited they were when it was just a little bit of attention from MD or myself. They didn't need anything incredible, just a feeling that we were watching them.

I also got to do my favorite thing in the world and teach poetry. I did a neat bagging activity, with shredded words, and they had to put them together to try to form a poem. We talked about word meaning how the same words can tell us such very different things. I worked with all three groups of kids (we mixed them up so they weren't in their regular gibush--homeroom--groups) and it was a good eye opener to different students' levels and things like that. But, mainly, I love it when I get to talk about words. There's something incredibly meaningful to me about watching students get "into" an assignment and wanting to share it with me. I like asking questions and listening to them intently, because they come up with things that just blow me away a lot of the time. Like Picasso said, sometimes we need to have eyes like a child. So, this was a really awesome experience to have eyes like they do.

Overall, I had an amazing time with them. I got to hang out with my little baby E. And get constantly bombarded by the kiddos. But, I think it was a really good experience. I can't wait to follow them into the next grade! And most of the time, I can't believe how great it is to teach there.

Imagination and Integration

2008-04-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

So, KB, a co-teacher and I have made the move to submitting an abstract for a conference session in Vancouver on Imagination and the Curriculum. I'm proud of myself for being aggressive in this vein. Hopefully, this time, I'll be ballsy enough to actually go through with it. I figure 1. if we do it together 2. if CA decides to come to Canada with me and 3. if I can get in, then there's no reason NOT to do this. The conference proposal read as follows:

We argue that humanities (literature, writing, and history) integration fosters students’ abilities to make creative connections, deepen understandings, and weave stronger thematic webs between their studies. All types of learners are engaged in an integrated curriculum because they can use creative thought processes to connect factual information. By giving students access to a multiplicity of sources, they are given more of a way to think of these disciplines, not in isolation, but rather as connected curricular units. They then create their own access points, with a wider range of available material, and then can expand this to the larger world. Students make more text-to-self and text-to-world connections and think beyond the two dimensions of a textbook or novel. Students are encouraged not only to read and absorb factual information, but also to question, discuss, make art, and engage in both creative and expository writing. An integrated curriculum allows students to lead their own lines of inquiry, fostering not only their imagination but also their independent thought processes.
We would like to address issues in integrating humanities and how to foster imaginative inquiry within this integrated curriculum. This discussion would not only debate whether or not humanities integration fosters said imaginative inquiry but also define the parameters for what imaginative inquiry looks like and discuss whether this integration works only in theory or also in practice. We would also discuss the ways by which educators in the humanities could achieve fresh and independent modes of thinking in themselves and their students.

Here's hoping! I should hear soon...

So Early.

2008-04-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

It's another end-of-break-moment. Surely, it's fine in a sense. I remember going back after February break and for some reason. I was completely incapable of being ready to go back. I had not had a very restful break, and in the end, when it was time to go back I wished I had just been working the entire time in the first place.

This time, however, I'm sitting in CA's apartment, waiting for him to come back from work and grading papers and with the windows open here it really does feel a bit like summer. I love sleeping, living with the windows open. The single greatest thing about my old place in HP was having the windows open on a regular basis. I don't feel anxious about going back to work; I just feel like I am ready for this teaching year to be over. I feel like I am settling into my life with this other person very readily. I feel like there's so many things that are going to be possible very, very soon. I feel like I cannot wait.

I also feel like that 630 AM wake-up call is going to be wicked early tomorrow...

Too Quick!

2008-04-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Rest of the Teaching Year,

I'm not really ready for you. I have spent the entire past week doing the following:

Friday: Went to court, no ticket from the city.

Saturday: Went gambling with CA and ANR. Got lost at a shady gas station. Ate onion rings in the car. Was delicious.

Sunday: Did not move from CA's couch for several hours. Played Guitar Hero. Ate pasta. Continued to lie on CA's couch. Watched I Am Legend.

Monday: Went to lunch with ML and Target. Bought great green towels/rug for my new apartment. Ate delicious burger at hard-metal burger joint called Kuma's Corner which filled me up. Then went to Jerry's later that night with S and ate delicious chippies. Took super-long walk and talked about love and life and how getting engaged seems like not such a terrible or scary thing anymore.

Tuesday: Finished second Scottish book. Was amazing. Went to Fixx and graded papers with KB. Picked CA up at work and went to Best Buy to purchase Rock Band, Brawl for wii and look at ginormous tvs. Went to Twin Anchor for dinner and did not eat nearly enough ribs. Went back and was hugged and hugged and hugged. Watched a little bit of High Fidelity with CA (please see here for best scene from the movie--COSBY SWEATER!), which we know I absolutely love.

Wednesday: Went to Indiana to see my aunt and uncle. Won money at Casino for second time in a week. Drank a completely delicious bloody mary with a ginormous shrimp in it.

Thursday: Went to outlet mall with ANR and KF. Purchased the following: one plaid dress from JCrew, matching purse, bermuda shorts with whales on them, polo shirt with anchors on it; deliciously cheap strapless turqouise dress from Gap, blue deliciously cheap dress from Banana Republic, also black shirt from BR, puma running shoes, and a new black briefcase from Coach. All cheap. Delicious outlet malls. Learned how to make burgers from my dad.

Friday: Cleaned out my mom's closet. Found amazing hat. Finished the book "The Long Way Down" which was really enjoyable (second only to High Fidelity in what he's written). Portilos Friday/Numbers (what I do when I'm home with my units.)

Saturday: Did (some) grading. Talked on phone for two hours with SAI. Pondered going back to city but watched Harry Potter with my parents instead.

Tomorrow: brunch with ANR. Picking CA up at the airport. Relaxation and eventual panic.

Seriously. I have been incredibly worthless to everyone who is not my parents or CA this week. But, I think I am entitled to that.

Everything will move so quickly until I move now--from going to nature (that's right, end of the school year, I have to take those 5th graders to nature!! this week--and it's going to be effing cold!) to my wonderful vacation to St. Maarten with CA (did I mention that? I don't think so! but it will be lovely...hence my new, obnoxious whale shorts) and I'm not necessarily ready for it. I'll end up crying at graduation I know it.

But seriously? I'm not ready to go back. Yet. One more week?

Sincerely,
AXR

Enough.

2008-04-22T08:15:00.001-07:00

I am not wealthy enough to live the life
of glowing torches deep in the land
of Manhattan. I am not rich enough to swirl
in delicate shoes with the soles of lamb
and the feeling of bliss. I pretend to be

the woman who walks with power.
I am not wonderous enough to write
the way the light bounces from skin
to skin. Nor am I lithe enough
to be flipped onto a bed and made love to
like I was the only woman on earth.
I am not.

But I am quiet enough to brew coffee
that awakens and arouses while he lays
like an over-heated mummy. My room
has a view of brick and not of towers
but the morning still seeps through
and our heads still pound with the heaviness
of a rising day. I may not tie knots

or steer the sails with firm hands
but my hands are still soft and understanding.
I cannot study all day, even though
I would be fashionable and academic,
with glasses pushed to the tip of my nose.
My leather satchel is not worn enough
or new enough either. But I am something

enough to curl the bedsheets and toes
and to see that there are metaphors beyond
turning legs and open thighs. To see
that I can possess the dawn without
ruling the night. Or the town.

US News and World Report

2008-04-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

So, all other things aside (impending court date--Friday--for the CTA bus incident, allergies, not knowing where CA and I are going for vacation, possible week-long institute at UConn about gifted kiddos, impending Pesach [meaning Passover] break...), I think I might have found an apartment for next year!

I was initially vehemently opposed to renting studio apartments because I thought it seemed so silly for the "little" space that you were getting. However, the studio I checked out today was on the a teenage (heh) floor of a high-rise building, included valet parking service, had a brand new kitchen (because we know I'm so invested in that...) and had a VIEW of the lake! I can see Lake Michigan from my apartment! I would be able to divide my space easily, and I think it would make a really homey, nice place. There's a small gym and a dry cleaner in the building. It's really perfect for my needs and for the amount of time that I would actually spend in my apartment.

So, I've filled out the forms and hopefully I'll be living relatively swankily next year! (And all for a price that I can actually afford...with money to spare!)

The other thing to draw my attention today was an article that CA sent me that listed over-rated careers. US News and World report is occasionally the bane of my existence, especially when I was a Senior in high school. However, today, I was surprised at was USNWR had to say. I understood what it said about CA's job--he doesn't see a court room, he spends most of his time pouring over inane documents, and he most of the time completely wants to brain people with the amount of work he's doing. Friday nights in the office and not with his dashing girlfriend are semi-regular occasions (which is something I knew when I started dating him). It is not all the glitz and glamor (although I have to admit he has a completely lovely office, and has some very, very nice perks) that people imagine it to be in law school.

But, keep in mind, when I tell people about CA and then mention that he is a lawyer, people are impressed. Keep that in mind, I repeat, as I continue.

I was shocked and amazed to see teacher as an over-rated career path. I agreed with some of the things the article said--teachers are asked to work during the summer, their hours during the year do not necessarily match the pay that we receive, and we do not group by academic level. According to the article (and I will, once again, admit that it's totally right), I have the better end of the stick because I am a private school teacher. I have 16 kids in my room, they're all pretty bright and excited to be there, none of them are ESL and they have engaged (sometimes over-) supportive parents.

However, to rate this as an OVER-rated career? I didn't know that this was a desired career. Please, can you compare medical researcher, architect, attorney and TEACHER? I highly doubt that if I said to someone, "I'm an attorney" or "I'm a doctor" or "I'm a medical researcher, fighting cancer," they would have the same amount of respect for my position as when I say, "I'm a middle school teacher." This isn't just my residual insecurities over my job talking; I honestly don't believe that people who want a position long-term are teachers.

But, let me make an argument for teaching. It's a relatively secure (at least in the private sector) position. I am 90% in love with my job (which is more than a lot of people can say). I work with amazing people, most of whom also love their jobs 90% of the time. I get great professional development. I DO get a lot of vacation. Even with some late nights, no one is ever going to ask me to be there ALL night. It's consistently exciting. The children are beautiful human beings. I see things differently. I spend time laying on the floor reading books twice a week. I do read-alouds, with voices. They make me laugh. I feel beautiful when I am around those children. I am giving back. I am volunteering my time. I am appreciated. I have learned how to appreciate. I can design things. I take pictures. I document their learning. They watch mine.

It's a wonderful job. When I think about leaving it so I can make more money, I am almost nauseous. This is what I feel comfortable with, what I am good at doing. Today, I explained the differences between simple, compound, complex, and complex-compound sentences. I felt like I was doing something; I felt good at it.

So, over-rated, NO. Rated? I dunno.

Inside.

2008-04-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Some people think that love plateaus, that you reach a point when you can't love another human being any more than you love them currently. If I knew more about science, I'd find some kind of constantly expanding phenomenon (besides the universe which, according to a completely choice scene from Annie Hall, I have learned is constantly expanding) to compare love to. Instead, I'm just going to say that it's constantly expanding. If you're doing things "right" (if, indeed, there is a right at all), it shouldn't plateau, and it certainly shouldn't lessen.

Every time I make the statement, "I've never loved you more than I do right in this moment," it's a true statement. But each time I've never loved him more, it's more than I've ever never loved him (try that for a strange statement).

Last night, I literally thought that I could not feel any more for him than I did. I know it's not true and at some point soon, whether it's looking at each other over the top of a book, or touching each others' hands in the elevator, I will get that same feeling again. It's something to do with skin and holding, perhaps. Or that understanding that comes from the different ways to hold hands.

I remember the first time I dated someone, in high school, he was older than I was and at certain points, we'd be laying on his couch watching a movie and he'd hug me. Tightly. I never really understood the hugging that tightly and I'd push back a little and go directly back to watching the movie. He was asking for something that I, based on immaturity, misunderstanding or downright fear, couldn't give to him.

On the other hand, last night, he wrangled across the bed, tucking in the side of the sheet next to me, the side where he wasn't and folded me up into him. "Let me just hug you," he sang into my ear. I agreed and we squeezed each other like we were trying to climb inside, to inhabit.

My feelings keep growing, every time I think they cannot. Something is happening here.

On Writing. And Teaching Writing.

2008-04-10T19:13:00.001-07:00

Last Friday, I went to a speech by Nancie Atwell, a woman who uses poetry as a window to all other forms of writing. I listened to he talk, and felt for several reasons that I was in the right profession. I agreed with her thoughts on teaching how to end a piece, teaching specificity, teaching writing outward from the self (without making every student an Ann Sexton), that poetry can teach students, in a compact form, everything they need to know about memoir, non-fiction and every other genre.

The speech made me simultaneously want to be a better writer (and stare at the five pages of a start of a novel on googledocs and shudder) and also quit my job and just write. I realized that the latter is completely ridiculous and a decided to channel the former into becoming a better teacher of writing. This is completely do-able, and, as I thought more about it over the weekend, made definitive plans about how I could do that in my classes.

Then this week, I went to get a drink after work with AB, one of my eighth grade co-teachers. Two Woodchuck Ciders later, she and I were completely ready to re-shape the world. The last time I'd had that kind of writerly inspiration was closing out the Cambridge Common with EC. It felt great to talk writing, talk teaching and talk about our thinking in a really productive way, down to the grabbing a cigarette outside of the bar stealthily so no small children caught on to our badass (or cancer-causing) ness.

By the end of it, she got me to agree to live band karokee, taking a class in creative non-fiction or memoir writing at Columbia College this fall and doing some writing together. We also talked about ways to teach writing, conferences to go present at and...and, I keep realizing that despite the lack of money, despite my constant worries, I feel like I am in the right profession. I finally feel like I know what I'm doing. Or what I should be doing, rather.

Then today, my school went to a Muslim school with this group called Poetry Pals who brings teaching artists (in this case, poets) into schools. However, watching one teaching artist, he didn't know how to relate to the kids and I pretty much (gruffly, and probably too rudely) took over the session and got them thinking about their senses--how to share common experiences.

I felt energized.

It's in these moments that I know I've found the synthesis of what I'm doing. This work is fulfilling work in ways I couldn't even imagine it being in the beginning.

A Spot of Bother

2008-04-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book right now called A Spot of Bother which for the first month I possessed the book, assumed it say A Spot of a Brother which made no sense to me. Either way, it's a good book, engaging although slightly confusing. I felt the same about Haddon's previous work, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. But, I must applaud the man for writing a second book after the first was so well received.

[Digression: I love the following books: The Time-Traveler's Wife, Middlesex, Encyclopeida of an Ordinary Life, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Special Topics in Calamity Physics, and anything by David Sedaris. However, these authors haven't been writing much lately. I commend anyone who can eek out the second book. To be fair, though, STCP only just came out. However, these authors have either not produced or stopped producing. Cough, I'm looking at you Salinger. I like Christopher Moore because he's always making something new. Michael Chabon too. even if they're all not perfect, stick something out there. But don't stick anything out there. Cough, I'm looking at you, Stephen King. AND Michael Chriton. Seriously, Congo, Jurassic Park, Andromeda Strain...Prey? Vom.]

So, anyway, there was just a quote that I loved so much that I couldn't even take it. "How the hell could you ask someone to love you when you didn't even like yourself?" It makes perfect sense.

Any residual...confusion...has been cleared up in that one sentence. I am loved because I, for the first time in perhaps nine years, want to go somewhere warm and wear a swimsuit. I am getting comfortable with the profession I have chosen. I have accepted me for who I am and have come to think this person is alright. As soon as I started smiling at strangers and not apologizing for liking to a. drink things out of a carton b. write poems c. buy records d. buy inappropriate things (cashmere earmuffs) e. wear big sunglasses f. own red lipstick g. enjoy both Woody Allen and frat boy humor simultaneously, someone found my shifty eye contact and semi-self deprication (but not as serious as before), charming.

I was asking someone to fix it. And I was being asked to fix it. Now, it's a lot of exclamation points and a lot less question marks. And a lot more laughter.

Operetta

2008-03-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

This week was the school's operetta, and although it was the completely cheese-tastic "High School Musical" of Disney fame (keep in mind previous years have included West Side Story and the Akido...so this is a little breaking of tradition...it is, after all, called an Operetta...), it was great to watch my kids band together like they did.

I was at school for most of the week, helping out, even though I didn't have an "official" job. I became the make-up, back-stage, "OMG Ms. R I AM SCARED" person. I didn't ever understand parents before, how they could sit in the audience and cry. "I'm not doing anything amazing," I'd think to myself, but for the first time, the roles were reversed. Today, watching one of my students sing the part of Gabriella, I almost started crying. I was so proud of them. Completely overcome with how much potential they had and how much beauty they carried inside of them.

I realized how little time there is before the end of the year and how they're going to go into the world and how much I wish I could have given to them. I hope that somehow, in some way, something is different because I worked with them, tried with them...yelled at them and laughed with them.

They're great kids, and the realization that I probably won't teach 8th grade next year is fairly devastating. I love my fifth graders, but I love this class of them. They're brilliant students and I'm in love with their curiosity and their brains. But, I can't imagine it being the same. I just can't.

Mark Ecko

2008-03-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

I have a twin sister. My mother didn’t know

she was carrying twins. Doctor said, "Second heartbeat's

the echo." That's what they called me.

Echo.

Better at arts than sports, but they

were interested in my sounding off. They let

kids wander and discover; even the videogames

have industry. I opened my hood and found

skills to take. With an airbrush, I started a business

in my garage at 13. T-shirts and denim jackets; it

was a discovery but not secure. I went to school

for pharmacology. I can make 60 grand dispensing pills.

But after class, I made bank designing jackets. Forget it,

I'd rather give those away. It started with six, and was rough

financially. I didn't know anything about life outside of airbrushing.

How to box, market, sell--it was too big, too productive,

too much. I spent money that hadn't come yet; I didn't think

about the non-creative stuff. I was baptized in paint

and fire and bills. I don't have a pain threshold. I had

to be passionate--life. At least once a month, I look

my ugly face in the mirror and ask if I like what I'm doing.

If I didn't, I'd stop. With this concentration issue, without

ability to focus, I don't want to curb it. No drugs. I will not

dispense drugs. I build my world around fluctuation.

So there's color and not being alone. They lift heavy things

and I rise from debt to buy that home run ball, the Barry Bonds

one that broke the record.

I'm going to draw an asterisk on it; I don't care what I paid.

Rwanda

2008-03-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today, a girl named Clementine came to talk to our middle schoolers about the genocide in Rwanda. She stood in front of them and began with a story, "Sometimes, I would come home from school and I would say, 'Mama, a girl pushed me at school today. I hate her.' And my mother would tell me, 'No. You are just confused. You do not know her yet.' I didn't know what this meant." Then she launched into her story about the Hutus and the Tutsis and refugee camps and what it meant to not have, to sleep in tents and to move over the entire terrain of Africa for years, without parents, until she settled with her sister in the United States.

Randomly, they ran into a woman at a market who was ALSO a re-located Rwandan. The woman knew the girls' aunt; and they called her. Then they talked to their parents for the first time in six years; everyone had thought they were dead.

Her story wandered and because of the small children she said, "And on that day, many bad things happened. It is all I will say." She did not go into the terrors, but for these children, outside washrooms and the inability to relax, to stop walking when they wanted, was terror enough. In the end she said, "It all begins with something little. A shove and a little hate. And before you know it, people are killing. I bring a message to try to understand."

She was eighteen and poised and waiting to hear back from Princeton. Her story is virtually unbelievable in its scope and magnitude. It made me think of the feuds I've known or had. It all starts with something small, a shove or a push and an unknowing I hate you.

You just don't know them yet.

I wondered if this could be some kind of life-changing experience. You know, the kind that makes you give money to charity and burst through your self-imposed walls. I had the realization that perhaps I was too old to have a life-changing experience. I do not know if that could be true.

How do you get to know someone? How do you really get to know them?

On Old Video Tapes

2008-03-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

On quiet evenings, when the wife sits a floor above,
typing furiously, he rehashes old movies.
In them, his pants are fitted, brightly-colored

and clinging and his daughter grips his finger
with her entire hand. He holds tight
to the remote control, rewinding and reviewing

her squealing laugh, his madman moves.
He was energized as he jammed himself
inside a bumper car with her secure

between his knees. The tape was blurry,
unfocused and partially dotted with fingers
since the wife watched and jiggled,

trying to hold and smoke simultaneously.
It was a carnival and he remembered feeling young
with that rolling ball of joy on his lap.

But how young he feels watching the remembering,
the Cadillac like a dinosaur resting in the lot.
How young he feels as the night closes in.

March-o-rama

2008-03-10T18:25:00.001-07:00

Another weekend that wasn't a weekend. Most of the time, it was alright that it wasn't a weekend.

The week was miserable. From my run-in (literally) with a CTA bus (and the ensuing $3000 worth of damage), and my stress and the fact that it was "Spirit Week" which meant that the students did not do anything all week except futz around with whatever costumes they were wearing was a stress-inducer. From my worries about finances to my canceling of the Greece trip I was going to go on, everything is overwhelming. And finally, on Sunday, I felt like I was getting it all together. But, it was Sunday and so, when I sat there on Sunday night, trying desperately to read my book, I wanted it to be June. It's less than 3 months until the end of school.

The damage was bad. My parents were calm. My nerves are shot. But my boyfriend was calm. My mind is muddled. But my friends are calm. And everyone is helpful when I desperately need it. Which is now.

Friday night was wonderful though, which makes me not want to leave this job at any costs. I went over to LM's apartment (rather condo because I apparently know people who own things) and we went to dinner at a Mexican place. We then met up with the rest of the team (middle schoolers ho!) and went to AB's 30th birthday party. (Picture = everyone minus KB and ML). I even wore patterns! AB had open bar for three hours and we all drank and talked and had a generally excellent time. (Left to right in picture: AB, EF, MD, LM and myself)

The nice thing was that CA came to meet me at one point, and we spent the majority of the weekend together which was absolutely wonderful. He and I went to Walker's in Evanston and bought some books on Saturday and I celebrated my mom's birthday. On Sunday, we went to Mother Hubbard's and I finished my Scottish Book (Outlander!)

Overall, when I need support, it's there. When I need people, they're there. And when I'm upset, that wonderful dude does things like hug me and tell me that it's going to be fine. And that he will do what he can to fix it. I spend the week feeling lucky. I spend all this time being grateful. I feel embarrassed when I am not happy because there's so much for which to be grateful. I feel silly on Monday because everything seems so far away.

2008-03-02T08:12:00.001-08:00

Shapes and shapelessness seems bigger in the dark.

I would be like Pandora and open my mouth
to let those venomous, pondering creatures
of doubt and alone spew out, but I would never see
just how terrifying they look. They seem massive

in my mind. And you, quiet and back-turned,
without harshness, breathe deeply but do not move
our bed an inch (is it ours? I would ask
but a slippery pink beast might issue forth).

You are smaller, and less strong, when I cannot see
the muscles of your arms and the strength of your fingers.
I want to ask you to take away my box of worries
and put it beyond my reach. But, I loathe to ask
since I am no waifish woman of yore and you
are modern with lines and tendons.

February Break, Which Wasn't a Break.

2008-02-27T19:47:00.000-08:00

It's funny, when we were there, he kept saying--look at it, it's so beautiful; I could stay here forever--and I didn't give it enough credit. Now, looking back, it was perfect. Sometimes we would just stop and he would say, "Its so quiet." I want some of that quiet now.

Since the last time I wrote, I:

received flowers from that lovely man of mine,
went on a ski trip,
was biopsied,
heard terrible news,
didn't get to go to Michigan,
ate at least 10 burgers,
went to the aquarium,
shopped at Banana Republic,
went back to teaching,
was asked to continue living here next year by EPS,
looked for a new job (just for safety's sake),
met an old friend of CA's,
saw "Reservoir Dogs"
had dinner with KF
and began reading "The Outlander."

I have yet to grade my 5th grader's Egypt short stories, write report cards, figure out why my apartment is so cold, properly respond to peoples' emails, write the Valentine's Day card I've been trying desperately to, thank S for buying me pots for my apartment and budget. Oh and decide about whether or not I'm going to suck it up, buy a ticket and explore Greece for five days.

So let's break this down numerically.

1. Our valentine's day together was lovely. I wasn't even expecting anything much and he completely swept me with dinner and flowers and sweetness. None of it was expected because of the impending ski trip...but, instead he completely flabbergasted me with all his generosity and outpouring of care.

2. I won't go through the break down of the trip, but suffice it to say, it was the most romantic weekend of my life. From massages, to breathtaking views, to long car-rides, to talking, to winning money, to the single best dinner I have ever had, when I woke up on Tuesday, I didn't want to get out of bed because it meant the end and I barely thought I could deal with or comprehend that. All I ever want to do is spend more time with him. It's becoming a serious issue (:

4. has nothing to do with 3. The biopsy was painful, and gross and something I don't want to remember. It meant that 5. didn't happen and SAI was incredibly understanding because of 3. and 4. I do have strong friends, stronger than I ever give them credit for being.

6. Self explanatory.

7. 8. and 12. go together. CA's friend K came in for the weekend and although I was initially just planning to have dinner with her but ended up spending the weekend doing the sort of Chicago-y stuff that you never do if you're actually from the area. We got burgers on Friday night and she regaled me with tales of CA's college days. She asked if I had any wild stories to which I had to shamefully (or not so much) respond, "Not really." Things were different then, I thought to myself, more sheepishly than anything. On Saturday, we saw the aquarium which I hadn't been to in AGES and went shopping. I offered to go home so he could spend time with K but he told me to stay. We went for deep-dish pizza and then to the House of Blues to hear some live music. Sunday night continued happily after he took K home. She was extremely nice and took pictures, which I always inevitably appreciate. He and I stayed together on Sunday too and I didn't want to leave him, at all. I never, ever do.

9. On Sunday night, I had some serious anxiety about going back. There was no discernible explanation for why, I just panicked. Aside from some sore-ness otherwise, when CA went to the couch because he wasn't feeling well, I begged him to come back. I just needed someone next to me. Perhaps begged is too strong of a word, but he went and didn't protest. He is always there when needed. Or wanted. Or anything-ed. I guess I can lump 11. with this. Sometimes, there's too much reflective-ness in the school, sometimes there's too much touchy-feely desires. Sometimes, I feel a little overwhelmed. But, I am exceedingly grateful for the friends I'm making there, LM, ML, and MD amongst others. So although I decided or went on the internet coasting for jobs at the U of C Lab School, I still love it where I am and will probably remain there next year--if they'll have me of course. I think most of the anxiety is first year jitters and someone just needs to smack me.

I love my job, I do. And I don't think I'll leave even though I don't make a million dollars a year, because it's going to do wonders for me in the long-run if I want to continue to work with gifted kids, if I want to do things to change the world in any small way.

10. And of course, because it's all inter-related, when EPS asked me to live here again next year, although I would love to move somewhere closer to work, I am seriously considering it. It would be nice to have someone here in the summer when I'm bored every day. It would be nice to not dump out all my money a month on r-e-n-t. But, it would be nicer to live closer to LSD, to my job and to have room for a desk. Those things would be great. I don't know... I'm so confused if I could even afford to do it, to move out on my own. And there's something comforting about knowing there's someone leaving the light on for you.

13. Although the movie was spectacular, the strange thing about it was I didn't know that S had such a strong sense of when I need occupying. Although I hate the drive from her house to mine (it's so short but I still get nervous and sad when I come back to my own place...but I do feel like this is symptomatic of something much larger), she is so incredible at knowing when I need. And what I need.

14. It was so good to see her, to sit in her new car and relax. To...simply be. I need more of that than I give myself credit for needing.

15. Great book. Awkward amount of sex for something that your boyfriend's mom recommended to you...

So I guess what I haven't done doesn't really matter. Especially, when I've got this as my other half:

Triumphant!

2008-02-11T20:00:00.001-08:00

Frustrations and Triumphs, a Monday Evening Edition

Frustrations:

having to go to work on Monday, even though I didn't teach today
it still being 4 degrees outside
so much to do in the few days before Tahoe
stomach gross-ness
faculty meeting of long-ness
apartment of cold-ness
vintage light from my grandma's house finally biting the dust
much in the grading department to do

Triumphs

much was already done in the grading department this morn
scrabble on the internet
already showered (ie sleep until 650 tomorrow)
finished my zombie book while it was not scary out
meeting with my 8th grade mentees tomorrow morning to talk about thesis statements
DD/MD whispering to me in the faculty meeting, "if they say privates one more time..."
bagel run with LM
watching American Gladiators and having the good people win
ordering Zen Noodles with S and EPS
a veritable TON of good reading behind and ahead of me
sleeping to the simpsons
so few days until skiing
feeling happy all the time
more triumphs than frustrations
Guinness truffles from Ireland
parents back in the states
new great scarf from parents
half day/speaker tomorrow at school
really feeling like I have a Valentine for the first time in years

Appreciation.

2008-02-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

I have to learn to appreciate better. I consistently want to be appreciated but I need to learn to appreciate other things better. Perhaps there should be more exercises for appreciation in my life. February has, thus far, been an absolutely excellent month. Perhaps this has to do with a lack of consistent parent presence in my life, and perhaps it has to do with the fact that I've listened to half of my record collection in the past three days. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that everything's clean or I'm going to Feast for bloody marys in about 10 minutes. Or that I went to Via Carducci La Sorella with CA last weekend (that was the name of the romantic Italian restaurant--the reviews aren't good but I don't care. It was amazing.)

Perhaps it was my 3 hour conversation with ML at Brownstone earlier this week, despite the storms. I'm learning to brave the weather. I could attribute this partially to my finally buying a winter coat. Perhaps the long talk with S, while sitting on my radiator Friday afternoon. It could be a combination of all these things. Life has fit together well lately.

Or maybe, it's that even when things are not perfect, I've discovered a way of working them out. In that way, I need to be more appreciative. It was miserably cold last night. I didn't really know it because aside from running some things out to the trash and a box out to my car, I hadn't left the apartment. I'd finished reading "High Fidelity" (which is now in my top ten favorite books of all time, ever). It includes the quote:

"Fuck. When is this going to stop? When do I get too old for all of this?"

It also talked about how sometimes we run away from relationships because we realize that at some point, that person might die. We realize that they are not always going to be romantic dinners and sexy underwear. They are not always going to be perfect. I read the book because CA and I had watched the movie and I found it completely, totally brilliant. The book is even more brilliant. I should have taken this idea to heart. They are not always going to be perfect, but they're going to prove to you that they're worth it, if they really are.

Around 5, CA called and told me he wasn't feeling well and didn't want to do anything tonight. He often does not feel well and when I coax him out of his shell, he realizes that he was just exhausted from work. I assumed this was another one of those situations and I got (more than a) little pissy. I finally, after dealing with it tumultuously inside of me (and, to her credit, to S) for months told him he needs to be better about telling me when he's busy etc. I was pissy. I was insensitive. And I wasn't sorry about it.

But the thing was--he was sorry. He hadn't realized how insensitive he'd been with time. He told me that he understands he's a pain in the ass and needs alerting to that fact. He apologized profusely. He was not obtuse, did not panic and did not tell me he didn't love me anymore. None of the things that have previously happened when I've aired grievances happened. He didn't run because it wasn't perfect. He vowed to change it.

I was shocked.

Then he said to me, "Want to go to breakfast tomorrow?"
"No," I replied, stubbornly.
"Lunch?"
"No, I'm picking my parents up from the airport."
"Dinner?"
"No. Maybe."
"What can I do to make this better right now," he asked, hacking through his question. I still thought the hack was for dramatic effect. Faker.
"Nothing," I said. But, in the spirit of actually laying things out, I continued, "The thing is, we'll either hang out and I'll obsess about this all night and not sleep. Or we won't hang up and I'll cry and you'll feel worse. I'm really between a rock and a hard place, here."

"I'll come over around 830," he said.

So, despite not eating all day, I cracked open a bottle of wine, lit candles in my apartment and curled up under a blanket to read a scary book, "Not Flesh Nor Feathers" (the third and final book in this ghost book trilogy, which is weird because I don't normally like ghost books. But, I love the way these are written. [Tangent: I explained to CA that I love Steinbeck, Nick Hornsby, Amy Rosenthal, Hemingway and others for the same reason. Intentional writing. They don't futz around with words. They mean. It's funny, because I also love Dave Eggers and his writing is sprawling and incoherent at points. But, I love him because his incoherency is intentional too...]) He knocked on the door around 8:45 and came in shaking an hacking.

I gulped down my wine and felt really guilty. He was far from a faker; he was actually sick. "You look beautiful," he chocked out, as I took his coat off and held my fingers cupped over his ears to make the cold stop.

"You're trying to be nice," I responded, still smiling.

"No, you look wonderful," he said. He immediately collapsed on my bed, shivering and I covered him in a blanket.

"I'm so sorry. You're so sick. You shouldn't have come here."
"I wanted to."
"I know, but..."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry sweetie. I didn't know you felt like that. You've got to tell me things when you're thinking them. I'm such a pain in the ass."

I covered him with another blanket and didn't say anything for a long time. "You're not," I responded eventually, when he'd stopped shaking so much. "You're the best thing I've got going for me."

Without missing a beat, he responded, "Me too."

And in that moment, I was infinitely appreciative for him. Appreciative that he came here for two hours, despite the cold and the sick and the gross because he knew I was upset. Appreciative that when we smile in pictures he doesn't look far-away. Appreciative that he was so excited for us to go skiing this week. Appreciative that he was, honestly, one of the best things I've got going for me. He means the things he says, and as we laid there, talking about books, he said, "My mom wants you to read some books. She's going to love you, you know."

I need to be appreciative that for some strange reason, he's here and I'm here and even when he's sick, he's thinking about me.

"Meet me for lunch on Monday because you've got the day off?" he suggested. I said I could think of nothing better. So, maybe it never stops, the questioning and the whining and the wondering. But, learning to realize that they're not going to run just because you're upset is a big step in the right direction.

I said to S on Friday, "I'm getting tired of all of this. I want to be settled." She agreed. Then, when read more of "High Fidelity," she responds to Rob, "I'm too tired not to go out with you." It sounds unromantic in black and white but what it's saying, or what I believe it's saying is, "This is it. I know this is it and I'm too tired and too old and too much myself to pretend like it's not. I'm here and you're here and when that happens, I cannot think of anywhere else I'd rather be." I am myself here, around you. And that's the best thing in the world.

So, I've got a lot to appreciate this month. The heart-to-hearts, and the self-sufficiency. But most of all, the ability to use my voice. And have it be heard.

Pros and Cons

2008-02-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

Things I Love About NOT Living Alone:

[~] I don't drink enough milk, ever, to buy milk for my apartment. But, when living with someone else, there's always milk, and it never spoils.
[~] The same goes for bread.
[~] Those off-nights, mid-week, when you simply want someone else in the proximal zone of you, without being in your bed with you. There's someone there for that.
[~] Easy commiseration.
[~] Someone else to co-deal with landlord-y stuff.
[~] Occasional really nice notes
[~] Surprisingly good nights in.
[~] On weekends when you don't leave the apartment, there's someone else there to make vocal contact with. Otherwise, it would be you, singing alone to Death Cab for Cutie records all weekend. Could be depressing.

Things I Hate About NOT Living Alone:
[~] Messes are not always yours. Even when meses are cleaned up, sometimes the roommate still messes things up.
[~] People touching my things.
[~] People damaging my things.
[~] Sometimes, those off-nights mean that you want to be alone, but, there's someone there.
[~] Inability to have disturbingly loud sex whenever you want
[~] Possible inability to drown out other people having disturbingly loud sex
[~] Sharing.
[~] Paying for more than what you use.
[~] Sharing.
[~] Sharing.
[~] Clutter that is not your clutter.

I don't know. I thought about it whilst getting some milk to eat with my cereal.

Summer Workshop?

2008-02-07T20:01:00.000-08:00

Idie wants to send me here this summer and I think PM might get some funding for it and come with me. I think I've finally figured out what I could go back to graduate school for in a few years--gifted education. But, I need to get my act in gear and figure it out in a few years. I'd need like 3-4 years to finish my stuff up, to get things together, and then when I was 27-8, I'd enter grad school and do something for gifted kids.

I could do this.

Field Trip to the Field Museum

2008-02-06T20:23:00.001-08:00

Today, I loved my nuggets. I loved them whole-heartedly and unabashedly, even though I felt almost as much their mother than their teacher. I have to admit, at the beginning of the day, as I passed out the birthday treat donuts, I thought, "Sugar. Great. Exactly what I need to give them when they get on the bus."

But, once I got to the museum, I felt the tingles of what I used to do. I felt the excitement of not "having" to get through a lesson plan, but simply getting to explore. We were randomly assigning groups, and I got a fantastic group of kids, many of whom aren't in my homeroom (or at my school, called "gibush" which is a Hebrew term from family). The first thing we did was to take a picture by the elephants, because, despite being at the Field to see Egyptian artifacts, we all know it's the most important to take random pictures.

Then, we went through a permanent exhibit there called "Africa" which talks about several of the different modern communities in Africa. Mainly, I was excited to talk to the nuggets about the artwork and the masks and figures that were in the museum--they have some amazing things from Cameroon and a lot of twin figures from several areas. I got to talk to them about texture, and colors and what they felt seeping from the figure. They were able to talk about power and fear and majesty. They were surprised that I could talk to them about those things.

We then went to the purpose of our visit--Egypt. I really felt like I was getting them to look and think. Initially, the teacher group had made an announcement to the entire grade--slow down and actually LOOK at what's in front of you--but, unless you ask them questions, it's difficult to get them to slow down. Since I've been really trained in object-based learning, I asked them a lot of questions about what they saw, what they expected and what they remembered and how what they saw in the museum related to what they remembered from either their research projects or something else. They did a great job of talking together and of taking down some great observations. I actually ended up making them late for lunch because we started having a discussion about what they remembered me telling them about twin figures in the modern African diaspora and then the large number of mummies of twins that they saw in the exhibit. The picture is me in action with some of my kiddos [clearly, I need to stop the hair-on-top-of-head look].

We ate lunch and then walked through the "Evolving Planet" exhibit. I had this whole group of kids, some from my gibush, some from my tour group and some who just heard me talking about evolution and dinosaurs and what it all could possibly mean. It was fantastic to watch the students come alive--to start questioning and asking on their very own. They wanted to know more and more about how we came to be and it got them thinking about what it means to go extinct, about what a mass extinction looked like or would look like ("Are we in one now?" asks one of my favorites, ES. I respond, "Well, do you know about the plague?" ES: "No, what does that mean?" I briefly explain how 2/3 of Europe got wiped out. On her own she goes, "Like AIDS in Africa?" It was as if I could see the light bulb go off above her head).

After learning about how things die and how things live, one of my other gibush students declared, "It's all hopeless." But, then I started talking about life cycle and what other kinds of things do you think COULD evolve? It was amazing! I really felt like I was teaching and they were learning. At the end of it, one of the children said, "I forgot to draw something for this exhibit! I was just listening to you and looking at the bones!" I couldn't have cared less about the trip sheet. The fact that they all wanted to go home and look things up--that's all I wanted.

It wasn't even so much about Egypt; I tried to explain to my co-workers before hand that it's not about "knowing" the artifacts (it did help that I knew a LOT about African art, Evolution and Egypt--I would have been worthless in their "underground world" exhibit), but it's about knowing the questions that can get students thinking. I felt effective today. The children trusted that I would not lead them astray. Even students I didn't usually see engaged were ready to go--I remembered why I went into education in the first place--to watch their faces and to see light bulbs go off in their heads.

Somehow, over time I've learned how to ask the right questions--not the questions that produce the right answers but the questions that produce ideas. The last picture is some of my favorites--my grammar genius, my "Boogar," my little rockstar/"panic" button pusher (every friday, he comes in, pushes the panic button on my car keys and rolls--stop drop and roll style-- under my desk), my little lovable slacker whose going to be a heartbreaker, my Mr. sensitive and Mr. excitement (he's always so ready to go for me).

Since the conference on Saturday, I've been thinking about what I can do to make my job better--how can I possibly be the best teacher that I can be? From extra spelling words, to challenge questions, to moments like this, I realize it's asking them what they notice, and what makes them say that that is going to really make the difference. How on earth could I resist them?

I'm trying to integrate--I taught irony by using the poem "Richard Cory" and playing the Simon and Garfunkel song by the same name for my 8th graders. Or this for my 5th graders. From cave paintings to character sketches, I just want them leaving feeling smarter than when they came in. On Monday, I was talking to CA about what I think it should look like, this world of teaching. He listened and kept telling me, "You're going to change things. It's not self-indulgent for you to go back to school, get a phd and change things." Sometimes, I think I don't want to.

But today, today, I wanted to.

Moving.

2008-02-04T09:17:00.001-08:00

When I was a child, my favorite thing to do was to have "moving day" in my dollhouse. I'd take all the furniture out, generally wipe it down, and then put it all back. Over and over. It usually went in the same places as it had been before. But, it was about the act of transition, about picking up and putting down.

I worry, now, as it's only February and I've begun to think about where my things could go in a new place that I am not excited about anything other than the packing and unpacking. CA couldn't understand when he moved why I was so excited to wrap dishes in newspaper and load books into piles. I couldn't explain the zeal behind the containing and sorting. Perhaps it's an anal retentive thing; I think it's just a transition thing.

I love packing for the same reason I love airports--they signify something exciting. They signify people in the act. I used to love living in Boston not because it was Boston but because I spent so much time on airplanes. It was all about the movement. I felt like I was accomplishing something by hauling a suitcase onto the T and going home, or to St. Louis or to somewhere else for work. I felt like the act of going from A to B meant that something sound had happened in my day.

It gave me something to show for myself.

Once I got home, or back to Boston, the thrill would wear off eventually. But, it made me feel like I had somewhere to "be," or that I was someone to be desired. Moving is the same thing--that queen bee feeling. I like the accumulation of things.

I used to pretend I was a Russian refugee when I was a child. I would set up a tent and hide with my dolls. I used to pretend to abandon my things, or think about what I needed to take with me. I used to want to be Madeline. My parents thought I wanted to abandon them, but I liked the idea of life being compact and easy to manage. I liked the idea of organizing, or being a part of something.

It makes sense to me, to want to move. Every time, I haven't had the time to set things up in exactly my way. I haven't been able to step back, as I could do with that dollhouse, and think about how things would best be arranged. I didn't label my boxes and didn't pull out the sheets. I didn't do the everything that I wanted.

In traveling, I made the choices. I decided what to pack, when to book the tickets and where I was going. Up until now, moving has not been the same thing. I think I look forward to searching because the choices are entirely up to me. It feels selfish--to want to see my stuff in boxes, to unpack and have it be my own. It feels indulgent, a very twenty-something thing to do. However, I have already thought about how wonderful it will be to make that move, to find that place and make that transition.

I think about the pots and pans, the control over cleanliness. I think about the knowing. I think about how satisfying those days of undoing and doing again will be.

First February Weekend

2008-02-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

I will write about the conference I attended sometime soon but I have to say that I wish, deeply, to document this weekend. I can't because too much happened. It is hard to make connections between bodies concrete. It is hard to explain what happens when people laugh and eat and share.

It is hard to explain how much I love.

It is even harder to explain how quickly the world is moving, how much it is snowing, and how I cannot believe that in a few short days, I will be on a plane to Tahoe to learn to ski. I cannot do much other than say that the winter is ending, despite the snow. It was light until almost 5 last night. And the night did not matter.

"You keep the pantry light on?" he asked.
"Only when I'm alone."
"You can turn it off tonight."

Tonight, it is back on. But alone cannot and will not be synonymous with lonely.

Let's break it down.

Friday: dinner at Mexican place with CA, ML, LM, and MD. He met all my friends from work. Everything about that afternoon was spontaneous. Everything about it, from his singing a song across the table to LM to MD's comment that, "He's from good people" made me want to burst. Without CA, we had first gone to the museum and dog-sat. It was put together by the moment and everyone's lack of desire to go home. It ended with me in his arms feeling perfectly where I needed to be.

Saturday: Conference. Amazing. Dinner and reading and being pulled closely by CA. Even better. I loved every moment of that night. Every single moment. It is not possible to have a bad day with him.

Sunday: kissing in the most lovely way. Brunch with Amber. Superbowl and turkey-burgers with S.

"Everything good and bad leaves an emptiness when it is gone. If it was bad, the emptiness fills up on its own. If it was good, it takes something better to fill it." - Ernest Hemingway.

Life continues to grow.

Keeping Count

2008-01-29T20:03:00.000-08:00

Scoring Mechanisms: For every negative, I'm going to make it positives. And the positives, I'm just going to keep on truckin'!

[-] It is blustering and absolutely frigid right now. Seriously, weather? This morning it was 50 degrees. Now, you're snowing.
[+] This morning it was 50 degrees. I wore a dress. I got a parking space close to school. I started this Tuesday of Workshop Warriors (I teach for about 3.5 straight hours on Tuesday with the same group of kids) really well. And maintained momentum despite some frightening news.

[-] Irregular pap smear (which seriously, gynocology, you couldn't come up with anything better than smear? What am I, a bagel? Do I look like cream cheese?... speaking of which, unexpected [+] is strawberry cream cheese from Enstein's Bagels. I've stopped there twice this week to eat it!) which was really difficult to deal with. I know it happens all the time and is most likely nothing but the last thing I need is cancer.
[+] However, people were really supportive. Not only my partner-teacher (the woman who shares my room, LM) who watched my kids so I could make a follow-up appointment and allow me five minutes in the bathroom to cry but also CA (as always!) and S. My dad too. You know, the usual suspects.

[-] Angry parent email, telling me that I don't know the first thing about teaching. What's that Lincoln quote? You can't please them all, all of the time.
[+] I didn't let it bother me. I talked about this amazing thesis-drafting process with my principal, to help students get a better grip on what they need to be doing with writing papers. So, nope, I'm a good teacher!

[-] CA is working late most of this week.
[+] I'm dealing with it much better than the last time things got busy. I know what to expect now, and after our wonderful weekend, how could I not be thrilled with him?

[+] Despite the weather, I had a really productive shopping trip with S to Costco. I own more Simpsons episodes than I could watch in a week or two or even three AND I got new towels etc. for my bathroom.
[+] "You Shall Know Our Velocity" is an excellent book.
[+] No school on Friday!!!
[+] Thursday at the Evanston library with the 8th graders, working on thesis stuff.
[+] Talked to EW on the phone for two hours last night and received a wonderful card from her today. It made me feel good to know that there is still familiarity in the world.

2008-01-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

The weekends are always wonderful. Yesterday, after driving back from the 'burbs, I changed clothes and (because the weather was so incredibly perfect), C and I went to Watertower and to other places in the area to shop, look at books and drink enough coffee to make us entirely too jittery. Shopping with him is relaxing and fun--there are stores we enter together and other places that we keep to ourselves.

An Example:
CA: Let's go to Banana Republic.
AXR: No!
CA: Okay, you wait outside.
AXR: This is a trick; you know how much I desire this store.
CA: Then come in.

CA: How high is your credit limit here? They just raised mine.
AXR: Let's not talk about it; I pretty much only buy clothes from here.
CA: That's why you don't wear patterns.

To smite him, I purchased a dress with patterns. Granted, it's red and black but whatever, it's a pattern. AXR: +1.

Then there are stores where we split up.
CA: I want to go look in the Oakley store. Maybe I can find you goggles.
AXR: I'm not wearing goggles, shut up. I'm going to buy lipstick.

AXR: Lipstick is a depreciating asset.
CA: Yup.
AXR: So are ski goggles.
CA: Touche.

We walk around for hours, purchasing clothes, drinking entirely too much coffee and CA trying to force some banana pudding into my body. He compliments me on my outfit (popped collar and all) and we head to the bookstore. He and I wandered the store together for almost two hours. It might have been the happiest I have been thus far in the new year. I purchased "What is the What," "High Fidelity" (because he and I watched the movie on Thursday and I fell in love), and "Norwegien Wood" (another Makurimai book). We return home, lie about together and then go to Quartino's for dinner. It's a wine bar and Italian "tapas" which was PERFECT. I even ordered dessert which never happens. We go home, play guitar hero and he attempts to teach me tennis on the Xbox360. I'm learning--albeit slowly. Eventually, we realize it's extremely late and go to bed, talking. Eventually, I tell him what a good day I had and he confirms the fact. I feel so good knowing that his body is even near my body.

For a while, as S had put it, it was like he was in a war--but we're really settling into knowing each other and having time to spend with each other. I've talked to him about valuing my time and he's understanding of it.

Now if only I could get my school life to correspond to my home life. Things there are hectic, but I think I'll make it through. Before the time we go on break, there's field trips and so much more. I'm looking forward to it immensely.
It's looking like this
January 31: Payday, spend all day at the library with 8th graders
Feb 1: conference dinner
February 6: Field Museum field trip
February 9: Skiing in Wisconsin
February 10: Super-freaking-bowl!
February 11: No school for me since the 5th and 8th graders BOTH have field trips I'm not going on
February 14: Not allowed to celebrate Valentine's Day
February 15: Head table for Shabbat Lunch and then IMMEDIATELY leave for TAHOE!!!!
February 19: Return from Tahoe (hopefully without broken bones)
February 21: Go to Michigan to see SAI!!!!

Good. Times. Kids. Now, I am going to go to sleep/read "You Shall Know Our Velocity." I like that there are times when most of the things that are important to me align. S and I just need to watch some American Gladiators and all will be well.