Two Years Ago...

So, as I was in the shower, I realized that a two years on November 1, I met CA on a plane. I'd been thinking about that all day, looking for a nice card, something to give him while we were in Georgia. Really, I've been thinking about our anniversary for a long time, if you take into account the fact that I had scrapbooked since like July to get ready for it.

But, until one weird moment in the shower, when I remembered why I was flying home, did it even enter into my head that two years ago today, I received the letter from he-who-shall-no-longer-be-named that told me he was, "Confused about what we were doing," and, "thought he'd been leading me astray for the past five years." I remember how indignant and mystified I was at the time. And how terrified. Not that I'd lost him, but that there would never be anyone else.

I had known it wasn't good for a long time, years, really, if I was being honest with myself. I knew it wasn't a fun relationship. I knew I wasn't laughing enough (or, most of the time, at all.) I knew that there were things that I had deeply cared about, that I was losing. But, there was that huge part of me that didn't know how to be alone.

And so I got on that plane, ready to come home and try to get him to take me back. I got on that plane because I thought it was my only option. I got OFF that plane wondering if I didn't need to be that clingy type of a person anymore. And two years later, I'm realizing how little of myself was left and how lucky I am that, before November 1 happened, October 30 happened. It's funny, how it seemed so monumental then and now, I'm forgetting the things that had seemed so ingrained--phone numbers, birthdays, important events.

Like that saying of Hemingways goes, "All things, good and bad, leave an emptiness when gone. If the thing was bad, the emptiness fills up on its own. If it was good, it take something better to fill it."

Lucky for me, the emptiness had a year to go away on its own in Beantown. And by the time I came back, I was fully ready for something, someone, better to fill it up.

Oh, My!

So, I realize that the only things I ever talk about much are either that guy or my job. Sometimes my friends. Sometimes interesting articles. Well, never fear! Today, instead of writing about being overwhelmed at work, or frustrated with my dude's job (I have this stupendous scrapbook to give him but instead he is at work. And I had to park in the super-expensive garage...), I will write about these miraculous cupcakes I got from the cupcake store. This week's flavors included Frankenstein (pear), Bloody Armadillo (grape-infused-something-something), black cat (you guessed it, a lot of chocolate) and more. Delicious... but the best part, CUTE!

This one is the werewolf. How great is it? The chicken was also cute (make with twizzlers and coconut flakes...) but, this one was my favorite. They didn't cost any more than any of the others do usually, but this one must have taken forever. Either way, I had to document it for all time, because I love it. After a really cruddy week (it's hard to travel and go back the next day... and I'll be doing it again this weekend...), I'm excited about something simple.

His Home.

I'm at CA's parents home. It feels vaguely like Meet the Parents (more than vaguely, actually...) and we're sleeping in separate rooms and everything. There's lots of small child pictures of him (and believe you me, he looks exactly like he does now.) I feel like I'm doing alright with them, but... I'm always in awe of families who are not mine...

Homes for All.

I think I might be in a bit of a funk. We're going out of town the next two weekends, which is convenient for my hobbit-like tendencies. Last night, CA and I went to this really fancy-dan Mexican restaurant to get dinner. I had really just wanted chips and guac and a margarita, which this restaurant does not have. It was delicious and we watched people take free salsa lessons there, but I was decidedly in the mood for cheap-ass salsa and margaritas out of a pitcher.

This past weekend, CA's sister and husband were in town and we spent the good majority of it watching football games. There are worse things, really. (: They came in Thursday night and we ordered Chinese and watched the FSU game. All rejoiced because they won. On Friday, we went to the little Italian place near my house for dinner and then went to look at our place. (Everything is almost completely taken care of...so now, it's a matter of finding furniture and...well, moving in.) We didn't get to go inside, but it still looks real pretty from the outside. She and her husband were confused because there was a hut next to our place, but I explained that it was sukkot and that the hut would not be there forever. Then they took the red line home and CA and I had a really nice quiet night at my apartment.

We listened to records, ate some cheese and crackers and then watched the first 4 episodes of 30 Rock (which he momentarily confused with 3rd Rock from the Sun...neither of which he had ever seen. I cleared up the problem by explaining that live comedy show = NOT aliens). He really enjoyed 30 Rock, which pumps me up and means that hopefully he'll watch it with me. (He will not, however, watch The Office which thankfully is back on iTunes...so when I miss episodes to watch the FSU game, I am still saved.)

We laid in bed, falling asleep to a record that he was really proud that he bought (a few months ago, we went to the Pulitzer Library sale and although we went for books, we ended up with like 50 bucks worth of records. I got some sweet Billy Joel stuff and the original cast recordings of both Hair and Sweeney Todd and CA bought mainly classical. The amazing part is that ALL of the records were in amazing shape...we've listened to nearly all of them now, and they're all great!) and I told him simply that I was never the kid who wanted a big wedding but I wanted someone who liked to do the things I liked, and that I could like the things that they liked. We laid there for a little while, talking about compromises and how he realizes that there's certain things (Spore, Civ, laying in boxer shorts) that I will probably enver enjoy that much. I too accept that he is never going to spend the afternoon reading poetry. But, I've come to really enjoy college football (don't ask me why, because I honestly couldn't tell you) and he has come to really like purchasing records. We've started watching shows together (Jurassic Fight Club, Mad Men, The Daily Show...) and we've started to read each other's books (Special Topics in Calamity Physics and Choke to name a few). We're adapting to each other.

(Which incidentally brings me back to my hermit-hood, in which I feel like I am spending all my spare time with him. Which, I guess, is not such a bad thing. Even though I feel like I am neglecting other people. I haven't had dinner with S in like a week and a half and I haven't seen EPS in weeks. And let's not get started on ANR now that she lives in bumblefreak. We talked about htis last night at dinner and it's likely that I should be more concerned about my hobit-hood. But, I'm not. It's likely that I should, though...)

Anyway, let me avoid talking about that any further by continuing to recount the weekend. On Saturday, we picked them up and went to Jerry's for lunch (which is one of the things I do miss about Wicker Park...) and then they had a bunch of drinks at The Boundary (which I had thought was going to be ridiculous but was actually really fun). We ordered some pizza at CA's and then he and I headed home to dance to Ray Charles and fall asleep early.

On Sunday, we went to a place in Roscoe Village for brunch called Kitsch'n which had all this retro seventies decor. It was really cute! We dropped them at the airport, looked at some couches and ate a really early dinner at Stella's with some cheese back at the apartment. I really don't think I have ever consumed so much cheese so steadily...

We're heading to meet his parents on Thursday, which should be a very interesting weekend. I guess the one thing that still befuddles me is that there's this whole other life before me. Before November 1, 2006...he was this person without me. He did not exist to me, nor did I exist to him. I relate this to watching the American flag flutter on Tribune Tower last night... those combinations of colors and stripes and patterns mean something to me, to other Americans, but if you had no affiliation, it exists as nothing to you. This idea of how arbitrary nothing and something is is really interesting and confusing to me.

We're using this woman, Lynda Barry, to teach in our curriculum. Her books 100 Demons and What It Is are both amazing and inspirational to our kiddos during writing class. But she asks all these questions of them--about what time is, and what memory is and if they're the same and different. Her 100 Demons is a variatinon on an old zen idea about writing and writing your demons until they're gone. We used this as a writing assignment for our kids--what was one of their demons?

Lynda's cartoon about finding a home from 100 Demons

A child asked me what mine would be and I said being alone. The more I think about it, it's easy to retreat into myself now, because there's someone else there. In Boston, I was all over the place, doing things and spending time with people. Now, not so much. Simply because when I come home at night, someone else is there. I feel like I can afford to be lazy, now, because I'm starting to believe that this is the right home for me, and that it's not going anywhere. At least, I hope it's not.

Babies.

Our friends J and A just had their first baby. They named him Oliver Charles which I think is a completely solid name for a baby--nice and waspy. But, as I was scanning through their pictures, I started thinking about babies in general.

I have never really thought about myself as a mother. As an only child, there's not been much of an opportunity for me to nurse little children and I never went toward the babysitting route. I think a couple of times, I babysat for a good family friend of my parents, but their kids were not wee ones. When I listen to women talk about folic acid, and holding babies' heads up while they burp etc. etc. I am astounded. I have no idea what they're talking about.

In those moments, I am completely convinced that I'm going to be totally screwed when I have, rather, IF I have, a child.

However, the other day, I was looking over at C and I thought, "It wouldn't be so bad to make a baby with you." Clearly, not right now. Not for the next 5-10 years. But, at some point, I guess it wouldn't be so bad to have a child. I guess it's not so much about wanting the child (clearly, you should want a baby before having one) but, more about feeling a certain affinity and faith in the person that you're with. All the pictures of J and A show them excited to have a family together. It's not just about having the physical baby, but it's about what's inside that baby--the fact that the two of you created that, together.

I guess what I'm saying is that basically, as intimidating as a child is...as frightening as it is to think that no matter what kind of a parent you are you're still going to mess up and that kid is still going to be dysfunctional in some way (apparently, it can't be helped)...as expensive as they are... I guess it wouldn't be so bad. At some point.

I feel like I keep needing to say at some point, because I don't want to appear baby crazy. I just mean that before, children were completely out of my realm of possibility. I don't know if I'm getting less selfish or just more aware. Maybe a little bit of both.

marathon

This morning people ran the marathon. I woke up at 730 hearing cowbells and wondering what the hell was going on. Now it's 930 and I vaguely want to go back to bed but feel like, instead, I should just suck it up and do some grading.

The next three weekends are going to be very busy, and then the four weekend after that, I want to do something for my birthday, but I sort-of feel like I ought to wait until after the closing to do something. I haven't decided yet. It'll be something small, anyway. I'll do something with people from work and then something with ANR and her guy and S and P, likely. I don't know what I'll end up doing, though...

I guess the marathon just made me feel like I need to be motivated to do something. But isn't running on concrete bad for your knees?

Apple Picking...

There's been a lot going on lately, from negotiations with the house to two deceased grandmothers in CA's family, to missed celebrations... so it's been a relatively busy (and stressful) set of weeks. I'm realizing how difficult it is to teach several different types of classes (there's three different classes for which I need to prepare--my "special" class, Workshop and history) and then teaching it to different types of groups is also challenging.

But, I'm remembering how to fall back in love with my students though. I am remembering what charmers they are when I give them a chance and what kind of fun we have when we relax. They're cracking me up and they're making me feel like I am doing my job. When several of us went out for a drink yesterday, we were talking about the type of change that you create with these children and how fundamentally different it is from the kind of change you create with the children who "need" more readily.

Last weekend, I went apple picking with S and P and CA. We went to this farm which was a really nice place. We did the Maize Maze (which CA did not particularly enjoy--he was preferring hamburgers instead) and ended up going to get pizza back near our house afterward. We went to the Piehole which was delicious but I would like to order and eat at home from here on out. The music was a little too techno-y for me, and I wasn't very into it. But, overall, it was a very successful day.

Basically, I am just excited for fall. It is really turning out beautifully. The next several weeks are going to be incredibly busy--CA's sister will be in town next weekend, then we're going to Florida to see his parents and then, the next weekend, we'll be going to the FSU/Georgia Tech game. I'll be meeting all of his down-home friends, which is exciting but also terrifying. I forget, sometimes, the difference. S and P are just normal people to him, just people we see often. ANR and her gentlemen are the same. But, he has this whole other life, that we don't really interact with, but they exist nonetheless. So, we'll see.

I ordered his birthday present from the internets and added a completely corny and camp inscription on the little gold iPod that reads "to CA--music for the one who is my song." I know, vomit. (:

But, more seriously, how is it October? After these three weekends, it'll be my birthday weekend... and then... the house. Eep! but, most seriously, and disturbingly of all... this article about abortinon on the ballot many places... check it out. And then collectively sigh with me.