Awkward Turtle

There's much to say, but right now, I am thinking about fitting and not fitting in and when that happens. I had much the awkward weekend. Even with people with whom I usually fit in (I know, sentence fragment.)

On Friday, I saw a very old friend and although it was wonderful to see her and re-connect with some people I hadn't seen in a while, overall, I was confused about what my role in the evening was. I felt like I slipped back into my role as a college student--the non-drinker, the quiet wallflower. After being in grad school and having people like EC and TM bring me out of my shell (or remind me that I didn't need a shell), and having debates more consistently with the likes of S and dating CA which always means a good time and means me being my actual self. I felt like I was regressing in some way, just because I was with some people who make me uncomfortable.

On Sunday, I went to a wedding. At points in time, it is awkward because CA and I are the only unmarried ones. It's not awkward in the sense of "oh god when am I going to get a ring" but it is awkward when people introduce me as his wife. This is probably a self-imposed awkwardness, or just a continued recognition of our age difference (which is only prevalent in this issue that all of his friends are married). Either way, I felt very much like the odd person out.

I think the thing is that I have recognized that I am pretty alright with being a hobbit. I spend the majority of my time with CA, and a smattering of other people. I really am alright with that. I can't tell if my awkwardness around other people is because I don't get "out" much or if I really have gotten good at identifying how I want to spend my time...