Almost the New Year.

I have NOT found someone to rent my apartment. It's incredibly annoying when people ALMOST finish all the steps and then don't. I'm very worried about not finding someone now, and it's getting to the point of almost-panic. If I don't find someone soon, I'm going to have to pull out of my lease. There's a legal way for me to do so, since I didn't receive this "renter's packet" that everyone is supposed to legally receive. If you don't get it at the time of signing your lease, you can pull out of your lease with 30-days notice. I can't afford (and neither, really, can CA) for me to be maintaining an apartment once we've moved in to our new place.

Speaking of new place, there's much afoot! We replaced a lot of light fixtures etc, and the contractors are there right now, as we speak, sanding and refinishing the floors. There's still several major things left to do before we finish up and move in, but by February 1, we should be moving in. I'm hoping to use the MLK weekend as the moving weekend, so that we'd have some extra time to get ourselves settled before I went back to work. We need to pick out paint colors etc. but thankfully CA took the time off of work this week so we can get things done.

And speaking of CA, I spent Christmas in Florida with his family. It was... intense. Mainly just because it was different from what I was used to. However, it was fun (although, who plays baseball or goes golfing on Christmas? Why is it WARM enough to do that), but I was glad to be home and celebrate with my parents yesterday.

I guess I am just relieved to not feel like I have something I need to do right now. We did laundry and we're laying around watching the Northwestern/Missou bowl game (yessss, big ten!) and listening to music. It's a good time, a quiet time, and really... a time that I really needed.

I have read four books already this break, which has also been refreshing. The best one I read was Unwind, a middle school book but In the Woods was also amazing. Slam was good and the memoir by Hakuri Murikami about running was excellent. I'm excited to continue reading trashy vampire books ofr another week, and working on the house. It still seems strange to say that.

Finally, I spent some quality time both with EPS and ANR. It was wonderful to do our usual Christmas with ANR, complete with diner food, too many presents and very clearly showing that we know each other well. Honestly, I can't complain. Things are quiet. And that's good. Pictures to follow.

More moving miscelaney.

In moving-related news

1. I believe I have found someone to rent my apartment, thank god. And he's totally flexible with a TON of stuff.

2. Contractors will start the day after Christmas.

3. I want it all to be over so that I can just move in and not have to deal with beginning to pack for Florida at my apartment and finishing at CA's. I'm done. Let's just have our stuff in one place and be done with it.

4. I will, however, miss the heated garage. That's amazing.

5. My dad's being amazing and helping us out so much; I don't know what I'd do without him.

Miscelaney

We had big old family Christmas this weekend because of my cousins who work for UPS and their need to be at their jobs super-late for the next three weeks. He always misses part of Christmas in some capacity and so doing it this early meant that everyone could be there for the whole time. But this year he and his wife have twins (who are less than a year old--like 10ish months). Adding those babies to big old family Christmas was hilarious because it's so funny the things that can be amusing with small children. Watching them do the simplest things like unwrap a present or stand up on their own is fascinating. I think it added a new dynamic and joy to the party. Next year, it'll be crazy because they'll be running around all on their own. It's amazing to think about how these things change so quickly.

We brought a contractor out to the place to give us some estimates yesterday and there's another one coming out there today to talk to us some more. We're realizing in some ways just how much this is all going to cost. We're not going to (and cannot) do everything at once, so we're just prioritizing what we can and cannot do. We might be putting hard-wood floors downstairs too as every contractor whose been out has told us that they really don't think the carpet is going to clean up the way that we want it to. It seems like a stupid expense to put in new carpet and then have to re-do the new carpet at some point. It looks like other things (like a king-size bed) are going to need to be put off.

Finally, in other news, I am more frustrated than ever that this year I do not have mystical amounts of money with which to buy my parents gifts. I know that an iPhone and a kindle would be PERFECT for them, but alas and alack...

Thanksgiving.

We've begun doing things to the house, which is turning out to be much more treacherous and time-involved than I initially thought. However, I am looking forward to the moment when I don't have to go somewhere else to check my mail and live out of my dry cleaning bags. It'll be nice when all of our things are in one location.

Thanksgiving weekend has been a really great time; I didn't get any of the things done that I was planning on doing, but I did get to have a nice time with my parents, with C and with ANR. On Wednesday, she and I went to go get our hair cut and, at one point, when we were both singing in the car it felt like "old times," or rather new times but old us. I don't know if that makes sense; it felt like however we change, whoever we become, there will still be our friendship. We ate good Italian food and talked about the future.

Thursday was fantastically good food and it really felt like C was truly a part of my family. We played cards and I watched him be his true self. We were totally stuffed however and didn't even have second dinner. But, we did have my stuffing (which is one of the few things I do actually make well) and my mom's Greek stuffing hanging out in the fridge, so my parents made me promise that we'd come back for dinner the following night.

Friday, I got some good shopping done with ANR while C took my car and did a few errands around the house. (It still feels extremely strange to do that). He and my dad bought things for the house around Home Depot (which I never thought would be a store that had anything for me at all...) and then he and I bought a COUCH! So, so, so exciting!

Today was the FSU/UF game (which FSU lost) but we've spent most of the day relaxing. As usual, I haven't graded anything that I needed... but we did get presents for relatives... and play guitar hero. Clearly productive. But clearly people for whom I should be thankful.

Homeowners!

Amongst all the things blazing forward this week, we are now, finally, homeowners. I shouldn't say finally like it's a relief. In some ways, it brings up scores of new worries, new expenses and new fears. I say finally, though, because it will quench this need--the exhaustion of two places, the need to feel like we are building a home together, the feeling of completeness to use a plural possessive pronoun. We're nervous, don't get me wrong (well, perhaps I a bit more than he) but, we're excited. I had never seen him so containedly giddy before when I met them at my parents' car parked outside our new place.

Something's beginning here, and it's exciting. Some of the house looked more beat up with nothing in it, it made some things (like needing to put new wallpaper in the kitchen and paint the cabinets) seem a bit more daunting. But, we'll get there. We ALWAYS get there.

I'm just excited. They're our keys and we never have to give them back to anyone.

Kafka on the Shore.

Tonight, C and I went to see Kafka on the Shore at the Steppenwolf. Neither of us had been there before, so it was a very new experience. The theatre was strange inside, very parking-garage like, but the show itself was mesmerizing. It was absolutely amazing and made me remember how much I loved his books. I think, very soon, I am going to start another one of his books, perhaps "After Dark" or perhaps something different. He has a new book coming out soon, and I cannot wait. There was something quietly eloquent about the whole thing.

My favorite quotation was: I wrote a book once, about lightening. I went all over Japan and interviewed people who had been struck by lightening. The interviews were very interesting. A small publisher distributed it, but it didn't do very well. It didn't have a conclusion and people like endings. I myself, didn't mind it.

It was fantastic, really. C liked it too, even though he didn't really know too much about what was going on. But then again, with the avant garde I guess you're not supposed to (at least according to the show itself.) The stage was all painted blue and the music choices (just like in the Brothers K) were perfect. Kafka, the child, was fantastic (even though he wasn't really 15.) Overall great.

Birthday tomorrow; I don't think I feel my age...

DINOSAURS

Last weekend was long but nice. CA's birthday celebration was successful and who doesn't love college football? (Okay, fine, a lot of people don't love college football... but going to a game is always fun. Especially when there's soft pretzels.) We didn't really celebrate Halloween itself, although I discovered that he would have dressed up. So, that means I need to start thinking of cool couples Halloween costumes. Antony and Cleopatra? Ketsup and Mustard? Either way, it was a fun weekend, but stressed me out for the coming week.

It's been a frustrating week at work and a historic week for our country. I'm excited about eventual changes in how our country does business (yay for changing no child left behind) but I am not so thrilled about how certain things are going down at work. It's been exciting to hear one of my students talk about his dad with such high esteem. It's been exciting, but frustrating to read tests that say "rebublic" instead of "republic" even when I gave a word bank. It's been frustrating to get asked about grades and changes and "did I really mean that?" Needless to say, in all my frustration, it was and has been a lovely weekend.

On Thursday, I got to go to Kirkwood (which I love) and hang out with EPS and KF. It was nice to have good conversation and enjoy drinks. It was nice, for a moment, to not be thinking about work... at least momentarily. On Friday, I couldn't take it anymore. I was frustrated with the feedback I was getting from others, I was flustered with the amount of work I was carrying around in my bag and the weight that I was feeling on my shoulders. I had had to reprimand one of my favorite students, a girl who I love and adore. It's hard to watch these tiny, innocent munchkins become neurotic and grade-mongering. I'm trying to fix it in whatever way I can, but sometimes, it's all a little bit too much. So, I said forget it and went to drink cider and eat grilled cheese sandwiches at F O Mahoney's with KB and her dude (since my dude was still at work after getting about 2 hours of sleep the night before.) We had a really great time and made copious Simpson's references (mainly about voting for Kodos and it being a two party system).

On Saturday, I had brunch at Nookies with S and DP. Then, we went to Target where I bought many things I didn't need and a couple things that I did. But, isn't that always the way with Target? I probably should return some of them, but will I? Answer = decisively no. After that, C and I watched the FSU game. After their crushing fumble in the end-zone loss last week, they won decisively (ooh, twice in one paragrpah) this week. Then, the best part of the weekend came: booze + dinosaurs.

The Bar Association had some kind of benefit thing at the Field Museum. We had originally believed it was fancy-dan, but it ended up being just casual. We got to hang out with the dinosaurs, and drink free booze. There was food as well, but it was not as delicious as the free drinks. We saw a fantastic exhibit on the Aztecs and then wandered through the evolution exhibit.

I love getting to do things like that with him. From going to see The Brothers Karmazov this week at the Lookinglass (which was done excellently) with him to doing things like that, it's refreshing to know that he values the things and the experiences that I, too, want to experience and value. I like that we spent time reading the cards and got excited to discover facts like whale were originally land creatures. We also got excited to reference our Dinosaur Show with our new expanded knowledge.

But moreover, it was just really neat to be in the museum like that. We missed out on the Nature Unleashed exhibit (you can't bring drinks into the exhibit so we wasted some time drinking when we should have been exhibiting) but we got to see a ton of really awesome stuff. I always love the evolution piece. I didn't know that the Field had a cast of Lucy's bones (which was also fantastic to see... I wonder where the real one is?...according to Wikipedia, the original is in Ethopia... logical).

This upcoming week should be full of exciting things--on Monday, people from work are taking me to dinner for my birthday, on Tuesday, C and I are going to see Kafka on the Shore which I have wanted to see and Wednesday is my birthday. On Thursday/Friday, there's conferences, but on Saturday ANR and I are going to get our hair cut and then we're going out to dinner with S and P. I'm thrilled about all the "culture" things that I get to do because I'm in this city, and thrilled right now, that there are people with whom to do them. Thrilled that the president elect is from this place (from Hyde Park even, where I have a connection) and thrilled that voices are being heard (even if I feel downtrodden at school.) Thrilled that I know the chief of staff and feel like he was a really solid choice. And least importantly, but very excitingly, I am thrilled that I now own a new bag from Target. Thrilled that last week, I ALSO went to the symphony with my kiddos (it was a very "cultural" week...) Exciting things are, as always, afoot. Thrilled MOST OF ALL, that on Wednesday, we will officially own our home (also scared out of my life on that point.) But, it will all get done and we will continue to be... well, let's be honest, we'll continue to be happy.

Two Years Ago...

So, as I was in the shower, I realized that a two years on November 1, I met CA on a plane. I'd been thinking about that all day, looking for a nice card, something to give him while we were in Georgia. Really, I've been thinking about our anniversary for a long time, if you take into account the fact that I had scrapbooked since like July to get ready for it.

But, until one weird moment in the shower, when I remembered why I was flying home, did it even enter into my head that two years ago today, I received the letter from he-who-shall-no-longer-be-named that told me he was, "Confused about what we were doing," and, "thought he'd been leading me astray for the past five years." I remember how indignant and mystified I was at the time. And how terrified. Not that I'd lost him, but that there would never be anyone else.

I had known it wasn't good for a long time, years, really, if I was being honest with myself. I knew it wasn't a fun relationship. I knew I wasn't laughing enough (or, most of the time, at all.) I knew that there were things that I had deeply cared about, that I was losing. But, there was that huge part of me that didn't know how to be alone.

And so I got on that plane, ready to come home and try to get him to take me back. I got on that plane because I thought it was my only option. I got OFF that plane wondering if I didn't need to be that clingy type of a person anymore. And two years later, I'm realizing how little of myself was left and how lucky I am that, before November 1 happened, October 30 happened. It's funny, how it seemed so monumental then and now, I'm forgetting the things that had seemed so ingrained--phone numbers, birthdays, important events.

Like that saying of Hemingways goes, "All things, good and bad, leave an emptiness when gone. If the thing was bad, the emptiness fills up on its own. If it was good, it take something better to fill it."

Lucky for me, the emptiness had a year to go away on its own in Beantown. And by the time I came back, I was fully ready for something, someone, better to fill it up.

Oh, My!

So, I realize that the only things I ever talk about much are either that guy or my job. Sometimes my friends. Sometimes interesting articles. Well, never fear! Today, instead of writing about being overwhelmed at work, or frustrated with my dude's job (I have this stupendous scrapbook to give him but instead he is at work. And I had to park in the super-expensive garage...), I will write about these miraculous cupcakes I got from the cupcake store. This week's flavors included Frankenstein (pear), Bloody Armadillo (grape-infused-something-something), black cat (you guessed it, a lot of chocolate) and more. Delicious... but the best part, CUTE!

This one is the werewolf. How great is it? The chicken was also cute (make with twizzlers and coconut flakes...) but, this one was my favorite. They didn't cost any more than any of the others do usually, but this one must have taken forever. Either way, I had to document it for all time, because I love it. After a really cruddy week (it's hard to travel and go back the next day... and I'll be doing it again this weekend...), I'm excited about something simple.

His Home.

I'm at CA's parents home. It feels vaguely like Meet the Parents (more than vaguely, actually...) and we're sleeping in separate rooms and everything. There's lots of small child pictures of him (and believe you me, he looks exactly like he does now.) I feel like I'm doing alright with them, but... I'm always in awe of families who are not mine...

Homes for All.

I think I might be in a bit of a funk. We're going out of town the next two weekends, which is convenient for my hobbit-like tendencies. Last night, CA and I went to this really fancy-dan Mexican restaurant to get dinner. I had really just wanted chips and guac and a margarita, which this restaurant does not have. It was delicious and we watched people take free salsa lessons there, but I was decidedly in the mood for cheap-ass salsa and margaritas out of a pitcher.

This past weekend, CA's sister and husband were in town and we spent the good majority of it watching football games. There are worse things, really. (: They came in Thursday night and we ordered Chinese and watched the FSU game. All rejoiced because they won. On Friday, we went to the little Italian place near my house for dinner and then went to look at our place. (Everything is almost completely taken care of...so now, it's a matter of finding furniture and...well, moving in.) We didn't get to go inside, but it still looks real pretty from the outside. She and her husband were confused because there was a hut next to our place, but I explained that it was sukkot and that the hut would not be there forever. Then they took the red line home and CA and I had a really nice quiet night at my apartment.

We listened to records, ate some cheese and crackers and then watched the first 4 episodes of 30 Rock (which he momentarily confused with 3rd Rock from the Sun...neither of which he had ever seen. I cleared up the problem by explaining that live comedy show = NOT aliens). He really enjoyed 30 Rock, which pumps me up and means that hopefully he'll watch it with me. (He will not, however, watch The Office which thankfully is back on iTunes...so when I miss episodes to watch the FSU game, I am still saved.)

We laid in bed, falling asleep to a record that he was really proud that he bought (a few months ago, we went to the Pulitzer Library sale and although we went for books, we ended up with like 50 bucks worth of records. I got some sweet Billy Joel stuff and the original cast recordings of both Hair and Sweeney Todd and CA bought mainly classical. The amazing part is that ALL of the records were in amazing shape...we've listened to nearly all of them now, and they're all great!) and I told him simply that I was never the kid who wanted a big wedding but I wanted someone who liked to do the things I liked, and that I could like the things that they liked. We laid there for a little while, talking about compromises and how he realizes that there's certain things (Spore, Civ, laying in boxer shorts) that I will probably enver enjoy that much. I too accept that he is never going to spend the afternoon reading poetry. But, I've come to really enjoy college football (don't ask me why, because I honestly couldn't tell you) and he has come to really like purchasing records. We've started watching shows together (Jurassic Fight Club, Mad Men, The Daily Show...) and we've started to read each other's books (Special Topics in Calamity Physics and Choke to name a few). We're adapting to each other.

(Which incidentally brings me back to my hermit-hood, in which I feel like I am spending all my spare time with him. Which, I guess, is not such a bad thing. Even though I feel like I am neglecting other people. I haven't had dinner with S in like a week and a half and I haven't seen EPS in weeks. And let's not get started on ANR now that she lives in bumblefreak. We talked about htis last night at dinner and it's likely that I should be more concerned about my hobit-hood. But, I'm not. It's likely that I should, though...)

Anyway, let me avoid talking about that any further by continuing to recount the weekend. On Saturday, we picked them up and went to Jerry's for lunch (which is one of the things I do miss about Wicker Park...) and then they had a bunch of drinks at The Boundary (which I had thought was going to be ridiculous but was actually really fun). We ordered some pizza at CA's and then he and I headed home to dance to Ray Charles and fall asleep early.

On Sunday, we went to a place in Roscoe Village for brunch called Kitsch'n which had all this retro seventies decor. It was really cute! We dropped them at the airport, looked at some couches and ate a really early dinner at Stella's with some cheese back at the apartment. I really don't think I have ever consumed so much cheese so steadily...

We're heading to meet his parents on Thursday, which should be a very interesting weekend. I guess the one thing that still befuddles me is that there's this whole other life before me. Before November 1, 2006...he was this person without me. He did not exist to me, nor did I exist to him. I relate this to watching the American flag flutter on Tribune Tower last night... those combinations of colors and stripes and patterns mean something to me, to other Americans, but if you had no affiliation, it exists as nothing to you. This idea of how arbitrary nothing and something is is really interesting and confusing to me.

We're using this woman, Lynda Barry, to teach in our curriculum. Her books 100 Demons and What It Is are both amazing and inspirational to our kiddos during writing class. But she asks all these questions of them--about what time is, and what memory is and if they're the same and different. Her 100 Demons is a variatinon on an old zen idea about writing and writing your demons until they're gone. We used this as a writing assignment for our kids--what was one of their demons?

Lynda's cartoon about finding a home from 100 Demons

A child asked me what mine would be and I said being alone. The more I think about it, it's easy to retreat into myself now, because there's someone else there. In Boston, I was all over the place, doing things and spending time with people. Now, not so much. Simply because when I come home at night, someone else is there. I feel like I can afford to be lazy, now, because I'm starting to believe that this is the right home for me, and that it's not going anywhere. At least, I hope it's not.

Babies.

Our friends J and A just had their first baby. They named him Oliver Charles which I think is a completely solid name for a baby--nice and waspy. But, as I was scanning through their pictures, I started thinking about babies in general.

I have never really thought about myself as a mother. As an only child, there's not been much of an opportunity for me to nurse little children and I never went toward the babysitting route. I think a couple of times, I babysat for a good family friend of my parents, but their kids were not wee ones. When I listen to women talk about folic acid, and holding babies' heads up while they burp etc. etc. I am astounded. I have no idea what they're talking about.

In those moments, I am completely convinced that I'm going to be totally screwed when I have, rather, IF I have, a child.

However, the other day, I was looking over at C and I thought, "It wouldn't be so bad to make a baby with you." Clearly, not right now. Not for the next 5-10 years. But, at some point, I guess it wouldn't be so bad to have a child. I guess it's not so much about wanting the child (clearly, you should want a baby before having one) but, more about feeling a certain affinity and faith in the person that you're with. All the pictures of J and A show them excited to have a family together. It's not just about having the physical baby, but it's about what's inside that baby--the fact that the two of you created that, together.

I guess what I'm saying is that basically, as intimidating as a child is...as frightening as it is to think that no matter what kind of a parent you are you're still going to mess up and that kid is still going to be dysfunctional in some way (apparently, it can't be helped)...as expensive as they are... I guess it wouldn't be so bad. At some point.

I feel like I keep needing to say at some point, because I don't want to appear baby crazy. I just mean that before, children were completely out of my realm of possibility. I don't know if I'm getting less selfish or just more aware. Maybe a little bit of both.

marathon

This morning people ran the marathon. I woke up at 730 hearing cowbells and wondering what the hell was going on. Now it's 930 and I vaguely want to go back to bed but feel like, instead, I should just suck it up and do some grading.

The next three weekends are going to be very busy, and then the four weekend after that, I want to do something for my birthday, but I sort-of feel like I ought to wait until after the closing to do something. I haven't decided yet. It'll be something small, anyway. I'll do something with people from work and then something with ANR and her guy and S and P, likely. I don't know what I'll end up doing, though...

I guess the marathon just made me feel like I need to be motivated to do something. But isn't running on concrete bad for your knees?

Apple Picking...

There's been a lot going on lately, from negotiations with the house to two deceased grandmothers in CA's family, to missed celebrations... so it's been a relatively busy (and stressful) set of weeks. I'm realizing how difficult it is to teach several different types of classes (there's three different classes for which I need to prepare--my "special" class, Workshop and history) and then teaching it to different types of groups is also challenging.

But, I'm remembering how to fall back in love with my students though. I am remembering what charmers they are when I give them a chance and what kind of fun we have when we relax. They're cracking me up and they're making me feel like I am doing my job. When several of us went out for a drink yesterday, we were talking about the type of change that you create with these children and how fundamentally different it is from the kind of change you create with the children who "need" more readily.

Last weekend, I went apple picking with S and P and CA. We went to this farm which was a really nice place. We did the Maize Maze (which CA did not particularly enjoy--he was preferring hamburgers instead) and ended up going to get pizza back near our house afterward. We went to the Piehole which was delicious but I would like to order and eat at home from here on out. The music was a little too techno-y for me, and I wasn't very into it. But, overall, it was a very successful day.

Basically, I am just excited for fall. It is really turning out beautifully. The next several weeks are going to be incredibly busy--CA's sister will be in town next weekend, then we're going to Florida to see his parents and then, the next weekend, we'll be going to the FSU/Georgia Tech game. I'll be meeting all of his down-home friends, which is exciting but also terrifying. I forget, sometimes, the difference. S and P are just normal people to him, just people we see often. ANR and her gentlemen are the same. But, he has this whole other life, that we don't really interact with, but they exist nonetheless. So, we'll see.

I ordered his birthday present from the internets and added a completely corny and camp inscription on the little gold iPod that reads "to CA--music for the one who is my song." I know, vomit. (:

But, more seriously, how is it October? After these three weekends, it'll be my birthday weekend... and then... the house. Eep! but, most seriously, and disturbingly of all... this article about abortinon on the ballot many places... check it out. And then collectively sigh with me.

Furniture?

As the fact that we are going to be spending the rest of our lives together registers more fully in my brain, I get more used to using a collective possessive pronoun. It is as simple, and indeed, as complicated as that. Most of the time, my brain has difficulty comprehending the scope of difference in my life in the past several years.

We think that the earliest years are the most formative because we need to work out and learn so much simultaneously. We need to manage walking, talking, recognizing and making sense of the world. We do massive growth inwardly and outwardly. However, I'm beginning to feel like these years are just as formative. When I think about the person that I was when I started college and the person that I have become by now... it staggers me. I am not trying to toot my own horn, but we change so much during these years.

We become less self-centered and look more to how we interrelate with others. We see people as systems and we see ourselves as part of something greater than the small sphere of our room or our friends or the people who congregate outside our locker. I don't know if the scope of this change will hit me until I have purchased some holiday towels and invite people to my home. Strange.

In less serious news, let me tell you how annoying/wonderful it is to go look for furniture. The scope of picking these things out... it's difficult to think about filing so much space! Anyone want to design and furnish my place for me? For free? Sigh...

Picking Up Spotty Internet in My Apartment

So we/he have purchased a house. I'm incredibly excited about it, but it is also the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced, ever. From the realization that between the two of our student loans AND this house, we owe more money than I ever, ever thought I could comprehend. I am working on maintaining my excitement while being terrified. He is working on the same thing. Of course, it seems completely too fast--even though we've been looking for a good nine months.

I don't know how to write more right now. I'm alone in my studio right now, thinking about how little time I have left to be alone and how both simultaneously exciting and frightening it is to think about that.

Bad Horse!

As usual, I am the last one to know about anything, BUT, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is available on iTunes for me to listen to now. Yes. This made the worst week ever slightly less worse.

Trying to get it together...

This has all been overwhelming. Perhaps I should just list in order to get it all out there.

1. August has been a rough month for CA. Because of that, in tern, it becomes a little bit of a rough month for me. He spent a week in South Dakota for work, which is not the most exciting state in the Union (I'm sure it's not the worst, it's got the Badlands and the Crazy Horse Memorial which looks like the most amazing thing in the world and Mt. Rushmore--so lots of carving) and worked very hard whilst there. He also spent two weekends away visiting sick (and in one case, now deceased) grandmas. And now, this past week, he's spent time at a wake and a funeral. I'm not always sure how to support him. And next weekend on Saturday, I am flying to Houston for a Bachelorette Party (in Galveston, which should be fun...including a margarita machine. Delicious.) And the FOLLOWING weekend, we're both going down to Houston for the wedding (which means that I have to book a hotel...we've got everything else done though. And I've got a HOTT [yes, with two Ts] dress for the reception [which is too scandalous for the church, so I have to find something to wear...] with amazing shoes to match).

I wanted to go down for the funeral with him, but there were fundamental problems with that. 1. I have not yet met his parents and I don't want his mother's first memory of me to be etched alongside her mother's funeral 2. It's the first week of school and it would have been incredibly disruptive for me to leave; I'm already protective of one of my classes (the one I designed). So, this entire time, I've felt incredibly guilty about not being there and not being able to support him.

I love him, simply. There is nothing simple about that, really, though because it means such a complexity of things. It means trust and responsibility (so much of adulthood, really). It means little things too, like a person to share all my books with and a place to hide my cold feet. It's a communal pronoun. I love the way that when we take pictures, he actually doesn't look like he wants to be anywhere else.

2. This first week of school was incredibly overwhelming. Last night, I had plans and literally went home and collapsed on my couch. I cannot understand why I'm so tired. It might be that performing the role of "Ms. R" is difficult. I constantly have to be on, I cannot show disinterest...they're sensitive, so much more sensitive than I had initially anticipated. It's strange to teach more than 1 section of the same class; I feel badly for the children I teach to first. I learn so much more about how to present information the more I do it. I do it differently a little bit each time too.

I don't know why it's been overwhelming. There was much to prepare and thinking about several different classes from scratch. I do love my new classes though, and I do love teaching history. There's much more art to it (art in the "fine art" sense, and also in the skill set sense). My new class is also incredibly exciting. They began their "big questions" unit. One student wrote on the board: what is the voice in our head? Another student responded what if the voice in our head is God? And the final student responded But if it's God, why does it tell us to not do the right thing? To which someone else asked and drew and arrow what is right? Is there an absolute right?

These are sixth graders. This is where their thinking is. It's incredibly exciting.

3. I haven't done laundry in eight weeks. It's going on right now. That's very good. In other "good" news, I'm realizing how easy it is to save money simply by not buying coffee every morning. I've already saved 50 bucks since the start of August. I love it.

4. Finally, other thing that I love, although I am not a supporter of "reality" shows, I watched the season premiere of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" and it's been on for 3 years. They've never had a million dollar winner. The did tonight. It was a Georgia School Superintendent. And she's giving the money to Georgia state schools. I love it. Bully for school. She won on who the longest reigning British Monarch was.

In case you were wondering, it's Victoria.

Anyway, I'm going to get it together. Soon.

beginnings.

Work has begun. I'm incredibly stressed out and harried and the next three weekends are going to be a mush of traveling and trying to get things done and missing the absurd amount of sleep I was getting mere weeks ago.

Disaster Zone.

I don't understand how good things can feel so far away right now. It's the last day of work week (officially, but don't worry, I'll still be here on Friday...) and all the joy and good will I felt on Saturday night has officially evaporated. This is a more stressful beginning to the year than last year and no one is giving me clear or defined answers to anything. Our room is relatively well put together, but I am tired. LM and I worked extremely hard on it and it does honestly look really good. I just want the rest of my things to come and let me file everything away so that I can work on it all and be done.

But, the major problem is CA. He's been away on business all week, understandable. But, his grandmother is now extremely ill (kidneys failing) and so he's flying back from South Dakota right now and will be flying out to Mississippi tomorrow morning. The last several weeks have felt like one disaster after another and despite my best efforts to be supportive and understanding, I am sorely failing.

I just can't deal with being at work right now.

Awkward Turtle

There's much to say, but right now, I am thinking about fitting and not fitting in and when that happens. I had much the awkward weekend. Even with people with whom I usually fit in (I know, sentence fragment.)

On Friday, I saw a very old friend and although it was wonderful to see her and re-connect with some people I hadn't seen in a while, overall, I was confused about what my role in the evening was. I felt like I slipped back into my role as a college student--the non-drinker, the quiet wallflower. After being in grad school and having people like EC and TM bring me out of my shell (or remind me that I didn't need a shell), and having debates more consistently with the likes of S and dating CA which always means a good time and means me being my actual self. I felt like I was regressing in some way, just because I was with some people who make me uncomfortable.

On Sunday, I went to a wedding. At points in time, it is awkward because CA and I are the only unmarried ones. It's not awkward in the sense of "oh god when am I going to get a ring" but it is awkward when people introduce me as his wife. This is probably a self-imposed awkwardness, or just a continued recognition of our age difference (which is only prevalent in this issue that all of his friends are married). Either way, I felt very much like the odd person out.

I think the thing is that I have recognized that I am pretty alright with being a hobbit. I spend the majority of my time with CA, and a smattering of other people. I really am alright with that. I can't tell if my awkwardness around other people is because I don't get "out" much or if I really have gotten good at identifying how I want to spend my time...

What Kind of a Theme?

This is the wedding cake that I love. Because I think getting married in the fall would be a lovely idea, I think this cake would be amazing. Of course, there will be no damn birds on the cake. Stupid birds. (No bulldogs either.)

This morning, however, I stumbled upon THIS wedding cake. I believe that THIS is the cake that CA would love to have. I think it takes the theme to a whole other, slightly more violent and less sharing-in-permanent-love-for-the-rest-of-your-life theme.

Vampires? CAMP-pires.

This will be my last post today, I promise.

But, lately, I have been involved in reading a Young Adult series called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (all up with the Es apparently). They're delicious, and ridiculous and remind me of what it was like to be seventeen and in love. Sometimes, if they tell each other that they love each other more than anyone has ever loved anyone one more time, I think I'm going to kill myself. But then, I remember my high school boyfriend and how no one was ever going to love anyone as much as I loved him. Then, I understand.

However, I think teenage girls are oblivious to this fact.

So, anyway, basically, they're overbown fan fiction. They're about ships and they're about conflict. They're thrilling, and completely non-realistic. I love them in the way that I love my "Scottish porn"; they have nothing to do with "serious" literature. They're just hilarious.

However, teenage girls take themselves too seriously.

The fourth book came out and it was ridiculous. There was werewolf imprinting on a half-vampire, half-human Edward-Bella baby, there were vampires from all over the world, there were mind readers, there was a 19-year old wedding (pre-baby), there was bizarre sickness and strange absences and did I mention werewolves? There was a vampire mafia and this vampire-hybrid. There's a throw-down at the end. And let's face it, it was delicious. However, apparently, teenage girls were outraged. They didn't like how drama-filled it was.

Apparently, they liked it better when Bella was heartbroken over a vampire and was simultaneously pining after a werewolf. Because that makes goddamn sense.

So, instead of accepting for what it is, crackfic that is delightful to read in its hilarity, and deliciousness, girls are outraged because they didn't stay true to character or something like that. I, personally, loved the fourth book more than all the other books. It was non-stop action, teenage drama and hilariousness. How could you not love a mutant baby that breaks Bella's ribs because it's so freaking strong? People have begun returning the book because they're so outraged.

People take themselves too seriously. It was silly over-blown fic in the first place (and I do intend to abbreviate fic there) and now people apparently want more than a vampire who can control the elements. Quit taking yourself so damn intensely people and enjoy the humor behind a paper cut that can wilt vampires. Sure, it was full of teh drama and teh angst and teh weird names. Sure, it was completely silly. And that's what I took it to always be.

There were great things about the book, like when she switches voices to write from Jacob's perspective and he's wonderfully sarcastic and we get a really excellent picture of him (if nothing else, she's amazing at character development). She has an excerpt of writing on her website written from Edward's perspective. She is very good at writing male characters. She has a really wide vocabulary range as well, providing good examples of interesting verbs and expressive adjectives.

Then, there's the silly love story, the over-protective vampire and the ridiculousness of getting married out of high school. I don't think it sets up a "good" example of getting married that early (get married and you'll grow a mutant baby!) but in the end, Bella's an extremely strong character (granted, we wait four books for it) and she is the one who ends up needing no saving. After being saved, over and over, she is the one doing the saving. I think people are neglecting to see certain things. Sure, mutant baby, vampire throwdown and insane super-powers are completely unrealistic.

The characters are engaging though and even more engaging in the fourth book. We sympathize with them. I think that is the important part--the part that people are missing. But, I seem to be the only one defending the deliciousness (and really, there's no other word for it) that is Breaking Dawn. I'm alright with that though. No, they're not necessarily for my sixth graders. No, there's "better" books out there, but sometimes, we all need a little romp.

A Conflict That's Not a Conflict

So, CA's grandmother(s) are not doing well. I can't determine which one he is closer to, but his feelings seem to be tied together more with his mother's mother, since he has such an affinity for his mother and she is extremely close to her mother. Either way, he spent last weekend down south to see his mother's mother (to henceforth be abbreviated as MM), and came back feeling really upset. He's been dealing with it all extremely well, but he is going down south again this weekend to see his father's mother (to henceforth be abbreviated as FM). After coming back from seeing MM, he wants me to fly down with him the last weekend in August to meet her. I figure that once that happens with FM, he will want me to fly down there too.

So, where's the conflict?

The problem is that I still haven't met his parents. At least whilst visiting his MM, I am pretty sure his parents will be there. It seems like such an awkward occurrence to meet someone in a hospital room. "Hi, I know your mother is lying on her deathbed, but I'm your son's girlfriend. Check it out." I'm worried about being too quiet, or too boisterous, or too something. I understand fully that after having dated CA for this long, it's really strange to not go to a funeral for a loved one. So, I presume it's better to meet his parents at a hospital than a funeral and the longer I don't meet them the weirder it's going to be.

It would be nice to have the proverbial "in-laws" again. I miss "other" families; I always enjoyed the other of he-who-is-no-longer-named. So, it would be nice to know his family. I did really enjoy meeting his sister, who is now married. I take it for granted that he has become a part of my family so easily and so quickly. I take it for granted that my parents love picking up "wayward" couples; they like being the "family."

So, the conflict is whether I should go. It's not really a conflict even so I guess I shouldn't even call it that. I know what I'm going to do--I'm going to go. There is a part of me that fears that he is worried that his family and I will not get along. His mother is basically me, though, so I can't understand that fear (so perhaps I am projecting.) I guess my conflict comes in whether or not I should be fearful of this encounter. Should I be worried about meeting them? Is this a tacky way to meet them? Or am I showing how much I love and support their son? I hope it's the latter.

Philosophy with a Capital P

I went to work yesterday. Granted, this is going to happen more and more often, but I went to work yesterday. The conflict with something like my job is so many people are incredibly intelligent people there that sometimes, I feel like discussions don't progress. We end up butting intellectual heads about whether we are teaching our students about Knowledge and one Truth or if it is more important that they are Humane. Or whether or not all three of these things are inter-connected. We debate what being humane means. We discuss the most accurate words for rubric-writing (when in actuality, I will have to make 25 copies of the same rubric for a 12 person class because everyone loses it at least once and only reads it when we go over it in class).

Sometimes, I just want to organize the books in my room and put some stuff up on the walls. Silly, I know, because these discussions on teaching Philosophy make me a better educator. But, sometimes, I really just want to play with the pens...

Bulldogs.

Moments of success come at the strangest times sometimes (awkward wording, but what do you want?) When I went to Ikea, I was not anticipating that the silly bulldog that I purchased would warrant anything above a goofy smile. However, it's become something more. I like watching him smile, or use William Howard Taft in everyday conversation. I know, goofy, but it's something small that I can't help but enjoy watching.

CA: You have to pretend like this is yours when people come over.
AXR: So you don't like him?
CA: No, that's the problem. He's great. But, you know, I'm fucking five.
AXR: I bought him.
CA: Right. I expect you to take full responsibility for my regression.

Hilarious. And better than having a stupid-ass real drooling bulldog.

Evolution.

So, I've been thinking about the time that I spend driving late at night. Last night, I went out for coffee with ANR, as I usually do on late Thursday evenings in the summer when I have nothing better to do but be in the suburbs with my parents. We meet at our favorite diner, a place we've been going for close to 10 years now (which seems absurd to say), and drink coffee until we're both jittery and have gone to the bathroom 45 times. Eventually, it's late and we have (for at least the next 33 hours) solved the problems of the universe.

I was driving home last night along the darkened road, all the lights remaining green since no one would be on any side streets at 130 in the morning, thinking about how peaceful the experience was and wondering how one can be nostalgic for something before it is over. Soon, ANR will move further North, making a drive from her home to the diner almost an hour. As it stands now, we only do our long evenings when I'm in from the city. She already lives with her boyfriend and sooner, rather than later, I'll be engaged and married. Once those things happen, it makes late night coffee harder and harder to come by (I believe.)

I drove home, remembering how much had already changed from the first summers that we would spend there. The diner had always been a popular place, since it's open 24 hours. The entire high school theater troupe would come there after shows, order pancakes and consume carbohydrates, coffee and cigarettes until we were all so jittery we couldn't move. We'd devour our food, talk for a while, and eventually people would begin to split off, to drive their dates home and quietly kiss in the car with the lights off for 20 minutes before the girl wandered inside. (Side note, I have discovered that making out in a car is foreign to city kids. It's mystifying how much of my sexuality was determined by foggy windows.) Nevertheless, ANR and my friendship deepened in that diner. We started to learn about each other, we started listening and we got over a fear that either one of us would ever run out of things to say.

I know that those conversations still happen. Just a few weeks ago, I sat in SR's apartment, vaguely wishing I would just pony up and sleep on the couch, talking to her until midnight. I kept saying I was leaving, but we'd continue. We talked for a long time about the nature of men and women's relationships, about sacrificing and about giving, which much of the time can be two different things. I have these conversation with KB often lately.

I know I am not in danger of losing my relationship with ANR. That's not at all what I mean; I just mean I wonder how much longer I will struggle into those parallel parking spaces which are too small. I wonder how much longer those lights will mean something as strong as they do now. I wonder how peaceful I will continue to feel on that brief drive home, knowing that there's some parent wanting me to be there.

When I finally stopped talking to my mom last night, I went upstairs and pulled a raggedy afghan over myself (remember the generic afghan from the Rosanne show? I never used to watch that show, but I remember the blanket. It looks like that. I got it from my grandma. Knowing her, it came from the home shopping network) and wondered how much longer I'd be doing that. How much longer would I be staying the night here, alone? Not much longer.

It's mainly because I've been having trouble being alone. I know that living alone was a pretty decent option for me, but, I have been spending so much time with him that I've not gotten used to being alone. I think once I have work and need my alone time (screaming children and long days), it'll all make much more sense. But for now, I don't like being alone.

I know, though, that the days for things like this are numbered. I'm reading a series of kiddie vampire books right now (quit laughing; I'll be there at midnight tonight to pick up the fourth one) and the main female character (a bit winy, a bit klutzy, but completely the definition of my seventeen year old self) wants to become one of the immortal. Her vampire boyfriend is skeptical of the situation and keeps telling her about all the things she might miss. He tells her that once she has become one of the immortal, she cannot go back. (And this is much to the tune of kissing and "I'll love you forever..." which I scoffed at and then remembered how my seventeen year old high school sweetheart signed his letters, "Always and Forever" or "A&F" [which looks strangely like the logo for Abercrombie and Fitch, although neither of us thought of that] and decided it wasn't quite so corny) In the same way, although I am not a vampire (not for perhaps the want of wanting to be...), I am thinking of the things that will change when my relationship escalates.

Bella, the main character, feels nostalgic for certain things, even if they're uncomfortable: like blushing or her heart quickening. I will get nostalgic for certain things too: like spending the weekend at my parents, even if it's not the most enjoyable thing all of the time. Things will change; I will not be making those midnight drives, I will be spending considerable more time asking someone to not use the couch as a clothing hamper. But, just as I am pretty sure that Bella's going to end up a vampire, because for her, blushing isn't nearly as great as an eternity with Edward (okay, I'm making these books sound henious. Which they probably are. But, shhh, I don't care.), I'm sure that the next phase of my life is going to be just as great.

Things will just have to evolve with me. I just can't believe it's changing.

I met with LSB, my old history teacher, and also with a long time friend from grade school this week, PF. It was wonderful to spend time with these people and realize that things do evolve. LSB knew me at my worst, when I was hiding under her desk sobbing unstably for most of the day over the rejection I nearly never got over (and perhaps still haven't, foolishly.) And now, she is excited to hear about my job, my relationship, my life. She had faith that things would evolve. And they do. I sat across from PF, whose heading off to a PhD program, thinking about the Halloween when I was a sexy spider queen and she was Rapunzel. We were so young, and now, we're doing so many other things. But, we've evolved together. I was nostalgic then for riding my bike with her. Now, it was delicious lunches at Tweet. We grow.

I just wonder what will replace the diner? And the coffee? Maybe, just maybe, it'll look the same, only better.

Tupperware Mishap...

Add it to lessons learned the hard way: just because pyrex COMES with lids does not mean those lids are oven-safe. Before placing anything in the oven, read to see if said container IS oven-safe. Otherwise, this happens:
Yes, let's just quietly establish that I'm not good at things and move on.

Upon consideration

I think I have a more realistic list.

1. A separate dining room. I've come to the conclusion that this combo idea is not for me. It annoys me and there's never enough room for a real table.

2. Den. Still necessary because of things like rockband equipment.

3. Shelving, built-in. It wont fill all the books but it'll be something, I think.

4. A nice view. This looking out at brick building shit is not for me.

5. No deck through the bedroom. It's annoying and I don't want to have to make my bed every time C and I have people over. I mean, granted, I'll probably do it anyway. But, still.

6. A big master bedroom. This 10x10 junk is also not working. There's no enough room for a big bed. I have decided this is a big no-compromise situation.

7. Deck. Need deck. Grill out <3.

8. Large closet space with SEPARATE storage. Where would the christmas stuff go?

9. Good refridgerator. I might not care about the rest of it, but the un-moveable shelves in C's refridgerator are starting to get to me.

10. Fireplace. I think it adds character. (+ the rest of my ridiculous list.)

But, I'm getting a better sense of things. I'm also understanding the economy and how frightening it is now.

ugh.

i.
The archepelgo of your freckled face
keeps my fingers entertained
as they skip from land to land.

I know you feel tiny, and cramped
in this life and space. If I could open you up,
give you more land, I would do it.

Like a rock garden, your toes dig into me
when you roll over, grunting in the night.
I think of you, with defined black edges.
In this fear, this chasm inside of you,
I would fill it with soldiers for protection.

I am only one, clay and stationery,
not ever enough.

ii.
Their voices will change, growing deeper
or more lithe. They will pet me, tell me
that my hair is long. And my ankles thin.
They will shudder forward rapidly, shocking me
at how development continues. They notice

when I wear the same scarf, or the same lipstick,
two days simultaneously. But they cannot know
in the harsh mirror morning, the lines I see
forming across my face. I have too many horizons

and they cannot see, because there are still ways
to hide and to fluff. I layer myself and for now
that is all that they need.

iii.
He cannot hear that we all grow. Painfully,
I can hear his bones changing. They grind
like teeth against each other.

Houses.

So we've begun looking at houses. Actually if it were four months from now, we've found a house that is perfect and dreamy and we're going to pine after it on Sunday. (Yes, "pining" is actually the correct word.) My dad, as he enters into his foray into real estate, suggested that CA and I begin to make lists of what we're looking for in a home. My list has proved utterly fruitless because I am doing it classic AXR-style. Stupidly.

• I want a fireplace. Not for practical heating reasons but because I want languid afternoons drinking coffee and reading in front of it. (Not to harp on the white people list but I was going to say doing the NYT crossword. However, that's definitely on the list.)
• I want places for books. So many of the spots we've looked at have NO places for books. I have an absurd amount of books and so does CA. Absurd. And it's not like we're going to stop procuring books any time soon.
• A back deck is important so that we can cook hamburgers, and be outside. It's especially important that this deck be accessible without having to go through a bedroom (as was the case in one of the places we looked at).
• I would like a large, walk-in closet. I know that sounds like it is verging on practical, but let's look at the reason why. I want it for shoes. And because CA has 10,000 FSU t-shirts that he's never going to get rid of so I might as well accept it and move on from there.
• I would like room for a big table in the kitchen or eating area. Why? Not because I cook. But because I like the idea of dinner parties. Again, absurd.
• I'd also like a separate den from living room. Once again, why? Because with CA's video game paraphenalia (please note the size and cumbersome-ness of the rockband equipment ALONE), I don't want it in my living room. I'm not judging the equipment by a long shot, I rock out to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's with the best of them. I'm just saying, there should be a place for things.
• Crown molding. Because it's dead sexy.

Please note that NOWHERE on this list do you see anything about appliances, floorplans or anything else resembling normal. CA has a similar list, although slightly more practical.

Most of the time, however, I feel like the real estate agent knows that I have no business being there. It's silly and a stupid thing to think, but most of the time, I'm worried that she knows. She knows that my list involves rockband and shoes. She knows that I'm scared that we'll pick the wrong place and it's not like an apartment. This is kinda permanent. She knows that I shouldn't be there. Even though I think I should.

Livin Is (too) Easy

Since I have been home, I have done very few things. This is the problem with a vacation. I do some work, mainly on the curriculum that I'm designing, but other than that, I do a big wad of nothing all day. It has gotten difficult to rouse myself in the morning unless there are some kind of definite plans for the day. The only motivation when I'm at CA's is to leave and get something done before he returns HOME from work. If I'm at my place, I'll be lucky to go get a cup of coffee from the pot that turns on AUTOMATICALLY. I know, pathetic.

But, there have definitely been some highlights. First of all, let me ode my coffee pot which grinds and brews and has a thermal pot so that I don't have to worry about my coffee getting burned. It is delicious and mainly, when I wake up in the morning, I have something that gets me jazzed up about my day.

Secondly, I have been reading some really excellent books. I whirl-windedly finished a book called "The Writing Class" which was a great murder mystery and spoke about everything that one really does encounter in a writing class, even though this one was an extension class and not a college one. Either way, it fit perfectly. I also have been reading a piece called "The City of Dreaming Books" whose category I cannot yet name. Either way, it's amazing. It's about a dinosaur and a quest and a city made of books and a scary man made of books and catacombs and...well, it's got illustrations but it's for adults. It's really quite good.

Thirdly, I went to see the Coldplay concert on Tuesday night with CA. Initially, I was skeptical as Coldplay is listed as one of the things that "white people like" (which would also be a book that I recently read--the online list does not include Coldplay, cheese or spirituality, all three of which made me crack up and cringe simultaneously) and I was a late-comer to the Coldplay fandom. However, the concert was honestly one of the best shows that I've seen in years. I'm still unclear how the band was able to make the United Center feel like a small auditorium or why I am so easily seduced with good music and shiny lights (come on, they had lazers! but not corny ones, good ones...if that can be explained?). Either way, it was a great show and as the website predicts, we were one of many white people there. All dressed alike. I hate when I fall into my own stereotype.

Fourthly, The Dark Knight and all it's goddamn glory. Oh my god it was amazing. It took me almost a full day to process just how much I loved the movie. I walked out of there feeling totally comfortable with having spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon watching it. Moreover, I didn't feel like I knew the actors, at all. I felt like I knew the characters. No one was playing a part; they were a part. The build-up of Ledger was fine--because he was incredible. The gadgets were sweet (and speaking of gadgets, there was the absolutely awesome-looking preview for the next James Bond movie; I'm still unclear what "Quantum of Solace" means, but I'm okay with it for now) and everything felt real and believable. And crazy. (Ie who the hell puts a cell phone inside of a person?)

Fifthly (maybe I should have done this bullet-point style) and continuing on the things that I love that that stupid list tells me people love too was Juno. I watched it with KB the other day and cried, laughed and of course, was obsessed with the soundtrack and bought it on vinyl. The movie was really well done though, and made me pine for the days of fall.

Sixthly, things I have paid for or paid too much for and am completely content with the fact that I did:

• The books mentioned above (Writing Class, Dreaming Books) were both full-price hard-covers. But completely worth it.
• Gone out to lunch 10,000 times with KB.
• I got a lovely manicure and pedicure at nailbar and although I am SURE I paid way too much for it, it's been almost a week and neither has worn off, despite doing a grossly-couple-y thing and working out together with Craig several times this week.
• Vinyl records including an original of Bob Dylan's "Time's They Are a Changin'" and the soundtrack to Juno.
• Ticket to Atlanta for the FSU/GT game. I know, I know. But, it's the weekend of CA's birthday and this is what he wants to do. I am hoping I'll get to see SMB when I'm down there, and also importantly, I'll be meeting his friends. It's been almost two years and I've not really met any of his friends from "home."
• Gambling at the bluechip in Indiana. Trashtastic.

Seventhly, and finally, I watched the Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog which was incredible. Buy it on iTunes and watch it 10,000 times. It's hilarious. As S said, they were not prepared for their success, but it's hilarious nonetheless. Think Will Ferrell's The Landlord, but on a funnier, more massive scale. Just superb. The other superb thing about that night was hanging out with S. As always, she is incredible. And has a new blog. Which is awesome.

Okay, finally, for real, as much as I sometimes (okay, pretty much every much every month that he bills over 150 hours and is there all the time) rag on CA's job, lately it has been awesome--mainly because they're courting the summers. So there's been a swank-dinner (which involved lots of red wine and me talking to people who sit on the board at St. Ignatious--the private school I'd love to teach in if I ever left Jewish education/middle school), a cubs game (which is tomorrow!) and circ di solei (I know, I can't spell) and much more. Sometimes, there are benefits to the job. (Note, picture is not from this evening but from another evening of awesome).

Bascially, I'm trying to use up the summer. Hopefully, I'll continue to do it successfully.

Vancouver Remembered

Vancouver was amazing. Exotic, no. But, peaceful, and a life-goal: most definitely.

KB and I spent most of our time wandering about. We first went to a place called Gusto for dinner and took the SeaBus, which is a wonderful way to get from North Vancouver to the other side of Vancouver without a problem.

The next day, we spent the morning walking around Grandville and Broadway streets, where there are plenty of little boutiques and tons of nice people to interact with (whose ever heard of a 17 year old store clerk offering to bring me other sizes and not being condescending about it?!) We came back and dressed for the evening which was an introduction to the conference. The man, Dr. Eagan, talked about getting students to know things in-depth. He spoke about what were the advantages of thinking about something not only breadth wise (so knowing a lot of things) but rather being possessors of knowledge in a very personal way. After that, we wandered over to the Elephant and Castle where we ate copiously.

The next morning was spent conferencing, but being rather bored by it. So many times, people talk and you just want to roll your eyes. KB and I spent the rest of the day wandering again, discovering beautiful parks and buying future Olympics nick-nacks. Come on, look how cute they are! We prepped for our session the next day.

We spent the 9th presenting and listening to other people present. The most interesting people were a man who designed a game to teach art history and a woman who talked about her curriculum on teaching "normalcy" and "difference" and "disability" through HP book 7. They were interesting, KB and I squeaked through and I was giddy about the arrival of CA. he arrived that night and we went to our hotel, which was a lovely little "apartment-style" (ie had a kitchenette) place. I loved it.

The next morning we attempted vainly to rent a car, couldn't do it and so spent the day visiting landmarks and exploring. We went to the Art Museum which had an exhibit on Linda Barry and other artpieces/cartoons/comics. CA went crazy about it because Civilizations (the Sid Meyer's creation) was featured, but it talked about the evolution of games and what they spoke to. Mainly, I was obsessed with Linda. She creates some absolutely amazing things, things that will be great for teaching and more. We also went to the aquarium which was incredibly nicely maintained. The had sea otters. CA freaked out. We had a quiet dinner in Gastown that night and discovered some amazing artwork (I love totem poles. Sue me).

The next day, we went to Granville Island in the morning which is this lovely little public market. Then we spent the rest of the day on Grouse Mountain, on the Capislano Suspension Bridge and exploring nature. For me, a person who has always loathed the outdoors, it was beautiful and a welcome change. We came back and met AB and a friend of hers who were in town for only the afternoon for a drink at Whinston Chill. It had a great atmosphere and they served my favorite vodka there. We wandered across the street for a slice of pizza, hungrily, at like 3 in the morning.

The following day we basically wandered. We shopped, hung out, ate a delicious dinner at a super-fancy Italian place and enjoyed Vancouver.

The following day, we went to Victoria. We saw the amazing Butchart Gardens and went to the city of Victoria which was elegant and delicate. The history museum there was very well done, featuring a lot of interactive exhibits. By the time we got back, there was just a little time for eating and then we grudgingly got up the next morning to leave.

Overall, Vancouver was incredibly clean, but moreover, the first place to which I've ever vacationed that said, "It's going to be great when you live here." I could have pictured myself living there, which I could not have done anywhere else we went. I came back from there feeling refreshed for once. For pictures, see here. Or better yet, check it out yourself. (:

First from Vancouver

KB and I are here in exotic Vancouver (sense the sarcasm) where it is beautiful, clean, and the conference presenters are boring! We're presenting in about an hour and although we were initially very nervous about it, the presentations we went to this afternoon thus far had promised to be really engaging. However, people literally read off of their papers. Even though there were beautiful ideas (which I will discuss soon in a longer-with-pictures entry), they got lost in a person being furrowed into their paper. KB and I have no paper to rely on, so we're talking about using humanities integration to create genuine connections and meaningful experiences. It'll be interesting. Then we're going to Stanley Park.

We've walked around the town, appreciated the mountains, and checked out the scenery. Last night, we wandered around most of the evening. Although there are Starbucks cafes on nearly every corner (sometimes on opposite ends of the street, I kid you not), there's something small-town and quaint about the place. CA arrives later tonight and we'll spend the rest of the week going to the aquarium (they have beluga whales!) and taking an airplane/land-in-the-water ride, and going on this amazing suspension bridge and maybe kayaking. It should be interesting.

Right now, we're off for more presenting!

Small Comfort

i.
The crinkling hands, veins as sinuey
as the tubes attached to arms—
these remain real. I cannot hear the voice,
anymore, but remember the way
sidewalk-cracking lips turned upward
when she whispered Tony. Do not tell me

I do not understand because memory
tastes of lemons and sweat. I remember
the gun taped to the inside drawer
of the nightstand and how those hands

couldn't have clasped the trigger.
She would have wrapped me in the veil
of her old self. Instead, she wished
that my own lips would someday
whisper your name.

ii.
As time progresses, people do not
grow healthier. Eventually, what we know
deteriorates. This is not

the right sentiment for a broken man
tasting dumplings and grease. If I could,

I would have said do not make a ghost
out of the still breathing. They are shrouds soon enough.

why can't every day be a firworks day?

CA and AXR at graduation party

I officially love/hate living alone. There's no remorse about it; in most ways, it's great because I feel productive. However, there's also no one monitoring what I am doing all day. So I can get up, putz around, and not be responsible for anything. This morning, I was initially supposed to meet KB at 10 am to do work. Because I couldn't roll myself out of bed until 930, we said we'd meet at 11. After sitting on the phone with the internet company to set up my service for 25 minutes (it's hilarious when they say to me "If you are tired of being on hold, go on-line to set up your service. Hey, geniuses, I NEED internet. I CANNOT go online), I hung up and took care of other things. But looked and saw it was almost 11 and I still hadn't showered. It took my ass until almost 1220 to get to lunch and begin talking.

Now, it's almost 6, and KB and I have established nothing for what we're going to do in Vancouver. Nervous! We'll get it together, I am sure we will. Right now, we're at TheFixx on Sheffield, which is a great coffee shot because of its free internet and delicious hummus. The no air conditioning is a bit of a negatory on the place. There's fish though, and board games. None of which I should be playing right now.

Either way, I also went to work (albeit briefly) today to pick up things for this "Understanding By Design" idea that my boss is into. It begins with fundamental questions (which works well for my entire gifted curriculum that revolves around asking questions) and figuring out how you want to assess students and working backwards from there. I don't know how I'm going to assess my kids yet though; I guess it could be in the form of a final project. I don't think the point of an enrichment class is to test them. It's for them to know themselves better. So... that's more things I need to figure out. Maybe I'll work on it during the plane ride to Vancouver. Supposedly.

I spent the weekend hanging out with C and buying my first pair of "big kid" jeans, courtesy of the gift certificates that my kids gave to me. I bought a pair of Paige jeans which were costly, but really nice looking. On Sunday, CA and I went shopping (well, he went shopping, I watched) and went to see the new Indiana Jones movie. Indy looks a bit old, and it really, really asks me to suspend my disbelief for quite some time. But, I loved it nonetheless. We also had dinner with/watched the CubsSox matchup with S and PW. It was quite the good, nacho-filled time.

I also cannot believe I forgot to mention that TM and her fiance DK came to visit me (and others) about a week ago. It was amazing to see her; and we had the best/worst incident ever at dinner one night. TM got a massive migrane, and could barely eat dinner. She kept thinking it would pass so DK and I drank and ate. With dinner almost ending, she stood up quickly and made to rush for the bathroom. In a split-second decision, she knew she couldn't make it and went to relieve her churning stomach off away (we were eating outside) of the patio. She ALMOST made it, hitting DK in the process. It's okay to have to get ill on your dude if he's a doctor-in-training, so he immediately checked on her. It was clear she hadn't been drinking, but was just not feeling well. The two take off for the bathroom and the girl next to me at the next table (who does not see me) says to her friend, "Oh my god. I have to blog about this. Word to the wise, vomiting is gross." I, rather loudly, respond, "Oh don't be a cunt." The woman did not know what to do.

Walking back to the car, we discussed that the incident, although initially mortifying, was rather funny in retrospect. It also made them feel better that my expensive french dinner while on vacation had not sat well and CA too had been the brunt of my illness. Unluckily for him, he is NOT a doctor-in-training and so was not so collected about the incident. He was still supportive but could not as DK said insist that his girlfriend was the prettiest person to ever throw up on him.

Aside from that incident (which I promised I would blog about, if nothing else, to come up in a google search when cunty-girl searches for "vomiting instances in Chicago" [footnote, I could not find her blog, despite searching]), we had a wonderful time. They met CA and I for drinks at Ping Pong (a delicious Asian fusion restaurant) and we had brunch at Clarkes. I cannot wait for her to come back when I can escort her through nerdschool (ie the U of C).

[Picture withheld to protect the innocent who did do, in fact, know that vomiting is gross]

Alright, time to start working... all I want to do though is have it be the 4th. And set off fireworks. Like I did last weekend...CA and AXR set off fireworks at cousin's graduation party

First thoughts on living alone.

People have finally been to my new apartment; it's lovely having people here. Even though it's tiny, it feels fine to entertain here.

Tonight is my first night here alone; my car is safely parked so I don't have to move it for a while and it feels very nice to lie on my couch and watch people in the apartments across from me. I definitely like it here; it's growing on me greatly.

Initially I didn't think I was ready to be living alone. I didn't think I was mature enough or self-sufficient enough to handle it. Granted, I have not been here very long and there's a list 10 miles long of things that I want to do (canceling old internet, paying new internet etc.) and those things haven't really gotten done. But they will. It's reassuring to know that I have comfort. It's reassuring to know where all of my things are at once. I do really actually like it.

Perhaps I might not like it later. But for right now, I like controlling when people are here and when they're not.

Week in St. Martin

t day
I guess I should reflect on the trip but as it gets further into the distance it just is a hazy blur of delicious wine, sand and sleeping until the sun wakes me up.

It was one of those things where every moment in time, I was remembering how incredibly lucky I was to be doing what I was doing.

We began the night we got there with dinner at Spiga. It was delicious but we got ridiculously lost on the way there in our little tin can of a car appropriately named the Charade. However, it got us up the hills, which was really all that mattered.

The second day, we had the Champagne Brunch at the hotel where they continued to refill our glasses to the point of explosion. Then we lazed on the hotel beach and eventually muscled up the intestinal fortitude to eat at Rare, where I had the best Tuna Steak known to man. We then gambled at a completely shady casino and went home.

The third day, we ate breakfast at Mr. Busby's Beach Bar (henceforth to be known as MBBB) and headed out to go ziplining. It was closed so we drove around to various beaches (see picture above) and lazed around. We kissed in the ocean which is apparently something that all people who grow up near oceans do. I was unaware.

We went out to dinner at Big Fish, a place that was our favorite and with which we were in love. The food was delicious (CA had a steak with whiskey sauce and I had...lobsters!!!!) and we were so close to the hotel that you could just enjoy yourself and not worry about anything.

The next day we decided to stay longer. We went ziplining, and I got my wish to watch the most incredible sunset in the history of the universe. All I had wanted to do since coming was watch it sink and we sat at this bar, drank a glass of wine and just watched. Afterwards, we ate the most expensive dinner in the world, which I promptly got sick over. But, the sunset made everything completely worth it.

The next day we took a ferry boat to the Isle of Pinel where we sunbathed, ate a very expensive cheeseburger (everything there was in euros) and recovered. That night we at the Pirates Buffet at the hotel, saw some sweet fire dancer action and went to bed early.

The following day was sailing! CA had been excited about this for weeks leading up to the trip and thankfully, the experience did not dissapoint. I had an amazing time doing it and the entire time I listened to him lament the fact that we did not, in fact, own a boat. We went to this adorable little place for drinks and walked around the city of Maho for a bit. Then, we returned to Big Fish because it seemed like a delicious idea.

The neeeeeext day, we went shopping and parasailing (which I was in love with ) and rode around on a speed boat. No one has ever really owned boats around me so I didn't know how amazing it was. We both really enjoyed being on the boat. That night, we ventured to Sopranos (yes, named after the HBO show) where we ate and went to the piano bar. That night, we were both very, very mopey because we knew the next day was our leaving day.

The next morning, we got up ridiculously early to go horseback riding in the water! We had an hour and a half ride which was really fun but the kicker was the riding in the water. It's nothing I'd ever done before. And in the end, I really enjoyed it.

We returned. ):

I guess the thing is, it's amazing to me that 1. I got to do all that incredible stuff in one trip and 2. I enjoyed it. Moreover, I loved it. I think I am actually being the person that I want to be instead of repressing who I might be.