One Week Down

Officially, the nuggets have been "mine" for five class days. They're cute and smart. But they're also needy and clingy and curious and overwhelming at times. I panicked a bit on Tuesday and Wednesday, fell asleep at 8 pm on Wednesday and calmed down on Thursday. Spent Thursday night with SR and her boyfriend. I realized I talked too much about work, about E [all names are not being used, in the event that at SOME point some child stumbles across this. I, apparently, think too highly of myself] and her note, or needy parents.

Then I spent the weekend with SAI in Michigan, watching football, walking and enjoying the very beginnings of fall, just she and I. Her apartment has soft light and open country windows. She overlooks pine trees. Although there is something mythical about those broad shoulders and those huge steel beams, the lights and the traffic and the loud when I walk out of CA's apartment or the people, always the people and the sticky leaves and barking dogs and constant shouting around my apartment, there was something strangely soothing about being able to hear nothing but the natural inhale and exhale of crickets or other animals [we know I'm not up on Nature, with a capital N.] Although I drove back on Sunday, I'm still confused if I actually had a weekend because at 530 this morning, I was up and at it again.

There was something strange about pulling into a parking space this evening, after spending the day saying, "D, that doesn't go in our mouth," or "A, I need to see your eyes on me." Or, in the eighth grade, going over, and over, and over how we pass the ball for doing discussion circles. There was something strange about being the one in control, about knowing how to use the copy machine. About being the one who people watch. I was introduced at a board meeting tonight as "the Harvard graduate." Apparently, the head of middle school makes it a policy to only hire top-20 school teachers. All of the hires in the past 3-5 years are from UMichigan, Yale, Columbia, U of C, Northwestern, Harvard etc.

But there's something wonderful about shaking peoples' hands and saying, "Yes, I'm Ms. R," or knowing that I am responsible for someone's learning. I feel like I could do good things. Tomorrow morning, I have my nuggets from 8 am until 1150. It's straight. And I'm sure it will be exhausting. We're reading the Golden Compass together, so I'm going to have them do a drawing activity, because they keep asking me what Lyra looks like. We've not gotten a description of her yet, and I want them to imagine. They've been amazing at imagining.

I spent a lot of time reminding people of how we need to act; it feels so hypocritical in a way, because I, too, am not perfect. I have a to-do list a mile long and god only knows when any of it is going to get done. Instead of doing the responsible thing, I am flittering away to Las Vegas this weekend. It feels wrong, almost, to run away. I know there's so many of these kids who need so much.

I needed so much at one point too. We all did, and we all do. Tomorrow, CA arrives back from Spain. It feels like so long since I've seen him, I practically cannot believe that I, soon, will get to spend solid time with him, taking pictures and feeling a part of something. The strange thing is so many places and with so many people I know I am a part of something right now. I'm still working on it, and still explaining and still feeling like they're trying to hold me accountable for more than I can handle.

But, in a way, it's time to step up. I have a car; I commute to work. I wear dress pants and have a huge pile of clothes that need to go to the cleaners. It's how it rolls. We're adults now, or something close to it. So, I guess that means I need to keep rolling with it. I spent the afternoons riding home with MD, discussing how few hours there are until we're back there again. But, like he said to me, "I keep wondering 'What's next?' And I guess this is what's next. It makes sense to be here." Which, when I'm looking across my desk at my co-teacher, LM, or realizing that I do, infact, talk too much about my nuggets, it makes sense. I should be here.