Possible Regrets.

The days are rapidly approaching for boarder paper and stickers; for crib sheets and heels and only dress pants, please. These days are coming when I have a first and last name and children who reach my waist. I spent the weekend with high-pressure, high-power people, singing "Spider-pig" and building bookshelves. I spent the weekend wondering, for the first time, if I've made a terrible mistake.

There's a certain stigma that comes with being a teacher. There's a little bit of a frown when you tell people you teach fifth graders. EPS had some people over on Friday night and after a long, long evening of hauling boxes and discussing wedding rings with CA's sister, I went home to find five soon-to-be doctors sitting on my back porch talking of empathy and insurance and bad lawyers who sue doctors. I found myself, not for the first time since taking my job, attempting to explain what really goes into being a teacher. I came up short.

I don't know what options there are for me if I don't like teaching. I've been told, more often as of late, that I need to own myself and not wish my age or my job or my profession [which in my opinion, are two different things] away until it is too late. But, let's be honest, I have a feeling when someone says 5th grade teacher, we envision someone with a wooden necklace with apple beads and a sweater vest proudly displaying the 4 seasons. I do not wish to be this person, which is why I so desperately wanted to teach high school. And most of all, I feel un-intellectual. So, what's to be done about this problem?

I could go back to school. And do what?

1. Law School. Several times during my life, this has been a good idea to go to law school. After watching the misery that CA has gone through, I'm not sure how much I want to assume that much debt and go back to school to wear suits and eat Chinese food out of a container at 4 in the morning when I'm writing a brief. Besides, I don't think I have the hootspa for a top tier law school--and I don't even know what Torts really is.
   
2. Getting some kind of cogsci/psych degree. Also a decent option; I am not too good with sciences so we'll see how this would or wouldn't work. Also, since I've been a humanities major, I don't know how willing they'd be to take me to get a psych degree. If I wanted to dispense meds, I would have to go to Med School which would be a disaster in and of itself.
3. Get a PhD. But, in what?
   
   • Higher Education--become a principal, still not feel respected but maybe learn to get over myself, change the school system and feel good for a moment
   • Leaning Sciences--a really cool program at northwestern. But, I would HAVE to stay in Chicago. I do love me the NU though.
     
   • Get an MFA? (Oh god, do I really need one?)
4. Become a HouseWife. This is by far, at this moment, the most attractive option since I could travel, buy cleaning products and work out to my heart's content. But, I think that's just the fear talking.
   

Really, I have no idea what to do with myself; I don't think teaching 5th grade is my life calling, but what do I do? What if I can't get a high school job? What if I'm not a good teacher? At least, though, I will begin amassing my huge collection of apple-shaped paraphanelia that'll come from parents buying me holiday and end-of-year gifts. I guess there's an upside to everything. I'd love to start with this as my first bit of apple-ness, but, on a teacher salary who can afford Marc Jacobs? It's cute though, no? I don't know, and perhaps this sounds terrible, if I even GET holiday presents from the students, seeing as they do not celebrate Christmas. I've only ever gone to Catholic School where they most definitely celebrate Jesus' birthday.

However, on a Catholic Grade School Teacher salary, there'd be no way I could ever afford Marc Jacobs. So, thank goodness that I can now waste slightly more money on stuff I don't need.

Ah budgeting.