mope-a-thon

Perhaps I shouldn't have spent all of last week with him; I wouldn't feel so lonely now. I feel like something's missing. I am attempting, very diligently, not to call, since I know he's in Tampa this weekend with friends. I'm attempting to not be clingy. I'm attempting to pretend that I am not petrified about teaching, and work and everything else that comes with being me.

I have a reoccurring fantasy about driving to Michigan and going to wineries all weekend. Or flying out to New Hampshire to take long drives and look at leaves; all of these fantasies do not involve my being alone, of course. But they do involve running. I had dreams, before I left for Boston, of people trying to steal things of mine. I had fallen in love with this postsecret.The thing is, it all came to fruition. I spent a year without my things, and I did leave and was unable to say goodbye. Five days after CA beings work will mark the last time I ever talked to he-who-must-no-longer-be-named. How things change in a year. The postsecret remarks, in the bottom righthand corner, "Sono spiacente," which is Italian for "I'm sorry." The thing is, I'm not so sorry. I just feel differently now.

I think of this year, of all the things that I could focus on that are wrong. I am unprepared for this job. I spent a quarter of a million dollars on two degrees that are virtually useless. I don't feel entirely at ease with the circle I've chosen. I am scared to be in my apartment alone [but would never tell EPS]. I am secretly jealous that other people can afford bigger apartments, better places. I've never budgeted before, ever--I am worried about all of these things. I have not been sleeping well at night; indeed, I dread it. The last night at CA's, I took one of his Sonata, because I had lain awake for 2 hours tossing. I blamed it on the fact that I'd left my computer in the car, but really, it was something different entirely.

I want to call, already, and claim that I miss him, but it feels clingy. I want to scream across the table at ANR that I am nervous about school and don't think anyone understands how scared I am or how lonely it is when I am in bed alone, knowing that my roommate is with her boyfriend. I simply want to scream; sometimes, in August, I can feel myself going into a place I do not want to go. It's the latent heat and the fact that I'd rather be buying sweaters.

I bought a sweater dress today. It looks like this, except I don't look like that model and I'm wishing I did. I also bought a swimsuit. I like him enough to buy a swimsuit. I haven't worn one of those in years. I bought a sweaterdress ant it's 10,000 degrees outside. I want it to be time for sweaters. I bought him a sweater too.

In honesty, this is the list of things I want to do:

1. Murder Mystery Party: on the 17th, it's going to be real. I am excited to dress up like curator, be a jerk and make S take pictures with me.
   
2. teacher's store: buy some stuff for my students etc.
   
3. find a day when it is not-hot and be able to wear some of my new stuff, including this amazing J. Crew blazer. I own it in brown.
   

Other than that, I want to do very little. September 4th is when the children come. It sounds like an alien invasion. I need to get over myself but it's unlikely to happen. How things change in a year; how things change.